I've been thinking about death
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I've been thinking about death

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Old 10-15-16, 10:44 AM   #1
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Default I've been thinking about death

It's so unhealthy... My depression started when I was about 12 years old. I had a severe underbite that stood out which brought down my self confidence. People were always staring at me when in public and school peers would call me terrible names and make fun of my facial futures. In the year of 2015 I recieved double jaw surgery to fix my medical issue, and this really helped bring up my self esteem. In this year i recieved compliments, got new friends and even a loving boyfriend whom I am still dating til now. But recently things have been going downhill. After my boyfriend moved away for university my depression has been hitting me pretty hard. All of a sudden I don't see myself as beautiful as I thought I was, my relationship has been unstable fight after fight due to my anxiety and trust issues, school is hard etc. Everything has been weighing me down. I can feel my heart beating through my chest; its faint, weak and very very heavy. I get heart palpitations frequently and it's really hard to take deep breaths without feeling exhaustion. I can't sleep, food is so revolting to look at, Im starving but I can't eat, I can't sit down infront of textbooks for 5 minutes without feeling the need to hurt myself to relieve my internal pain. And then i realize, why should I even feel pain? If death can give me peace.

I've been accepting death. I want it to happen accidentally like one day I want to go to bed and never wake up kind of thing. If someone tried to kill me I wouldnt be afraid, i want to get in an accident. I always think about suicide but I don't want to hurt my loved ones. I feel as if no one loves me but i know they do. My boyfriend is currently angry at me but I know he would be heartbroken and remorseful if i were to leave at my own will. My friends that are so precious to me they would be destroyed. This is what im afraid of, not death. Its so welcoming its the escape im looking for, but im stuck between two worlds, is holding me back.

Last edited by keadelin; 10-15-16 at 10:47 AM.
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Old 10-15-16, 11:04 AM   #2
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I'm sorry that you're having such a tough time but it's good to see the kind of self-awareness in knowing that you are loved and people would miss you and that all of this is a result of your mind skewering your perception. May I ask if you see a therapist or take any medication at this point in your life? There are a number of small things I would work on first and I feel as though therapy could be extremely beneficial for you in these areas, primarily working on improving your self-esteem. It could even be things as small as just constant affirmations to improve confidence, even if you don't entirely believe them at the time.
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Old 11-03-16, 12:55 PM   #3
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Everything you're experiencing I'm experiencing too. You are passively inviting death as a palliative rather than actively seeking it. More depressives have thoughts about suicide than actually go through the act itself. It's called suicidal ideation. My own depression started at a relatively young age like yours which is why I suspect it might have a genetic basis. You should definitely see your doctor who will recommend you to a therapist who might put you on a course of medication.
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anxiety, death, depression, life, stress

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