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Its back again......

This is a discussion on Its back again...... within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; Well here I am on here after a day of what can only be described as hell. A day that ...

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Old 04-15-16, 06:37 PM   #1
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Exclamation Its back again......

Well here I am on here after a day of what can only be described as hell. A day that has left me feeling the same way I did many years ago. In all honesty I didnt think id go through it again. But today confirmed it. Constant thoughts of suicide leading to doing what I shouldnt have done. I really wish there was an easy way out but the reality is, there isnt! I have a beautiful child whom I adored and now I cant bring myself to spend time with her because I feel so guilty for wanting to end it and leave her without a mother. Before anybody comments, I know I cant help the thoughts. I know things will get better, eventually. But I also know that ill never be fully free from these thoughts and feelings. They are a part of me. Or at least they were. Some people call us cowards or selfish. But were not. Were scared, tired and our bodies are being taken over by this horrendous illness. I have no fight left in me any more. Time to let go once and for all.
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Old 04-16-16, 03:32 PM   #2
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Hi there!
Well, first of all, sorry if my english is not too good, it's not my mother language.
I get you, I also struggle with those kind of thoughts and it's not pretty.
I'm a mom too and let me tell you one thing: Our kids do not judge us in any way, as they are children and they don't have that sort of thoughts, so you should stop feeling guilty about it.
We live in a rotting society, out nature is falling apart, so I think it's normal for a sensible being to feel like there's no point in living anymore, and of course I've been feeling it for long time now, it just comes and goes.
I tend to cry for hours, just thinking negative shit about myself, blaming me for so much, until I fall asleep and then I wake up and feel a little bit different.
I'm not really sure how I can get rid of these sensations, this emptiness, lack of sense in living, so yes, we have to learn to embrace it, it is a part of us after all, it's our dark side, and it's okay. It's just a proof of our greatness! We are so wonderful that we have this other part of ourselves, like a monster sucking our energy and telling us we are not worthy... I think we are worthy.
Life is love! Hate is not the opposite of love, FEAR is, that's why we constantly feel like this, it's our lack of love... Well, like Bjork says, all is full of love, we just have to learn to notice it, and even if we're feeling hopeless, there it is. Just look at the trees, growing apples, animals feeding their babies... That's love.
Hold on to your beautiful child and learn to love yourself, just as I am.
You're not alone.
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