It's all so tiresome
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It's all so tiresome

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Old 08-20-21, 11:06 AM   #1
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Default It's all so tiresome


I don't have anywhere else to really turn to at this point so this is a shot in the dark for me, but at least it's something.

I'm 23 years old, have been unemployed for an entire year, and I don't see much hope for my future. My relationship with my family has never been the best, I along with my younger brother was emotionally and mentally abused as children by our parents and haven't really healed all that much from it. My father has somewhat improved after therapy but he still isn't all there yet, my mother is still narcissistic and childish and never apologizes for things she does, she's told me she felt like she doesn't need to say sorry and even if she does it's typically a "I'm sorry you feel this way because of my actions, even though I myself think I have done nothing wrong". I am somewhat close to my brother but he is a very paranoid person because of our upbringing and because of his old drug use so he is very difficult to speak to as he will lash out and get very judgmental and defensive if he feels threatened in any way. Alcoholism and drug use is a problem in my family, I started drinking rum at 17 and actually almost died once in college during a blackout, I hit my chin and bled all over the floor, I still have the scar there. I feel like it is my responsibility to fix my family's lineage and want to raise my own family, I wanted the alcoholism, weed, and cigarette use to die with me, however, it feels like this is no longer a possible goal I can achieve.

A lot of my friends have cut themselves off and honestly I think it might be for the best, my politics have changed so much these past few years I don't think we would get along much anymore, I would have to pretend and be neutral about a lot of things with them (one of these things would be me being Bisexual but not liking the LGBT, I find it is very hypersexual and it promotes sexual deviancy in public and it really bothers me when people bring their young kids to parades because there is always going to be someone stripping and sucking on a dildo popsicle around them, I wish pride parades were different and were more about the history, the now inclusiveness of the military and police, the actual meaning of the pride colours, and maybe throw in some stereotype jokes just for the hell of it, but I cannot change them myself.) My good friends all live in a different country and I have to deal with a time zone difference when speaking to them, some are more extreme than others but the majority are about a three hour difference. I have told them a few times I have thought about suicide but they aren't really helpful and I fear they think I am doing it out of attention rather than actually wanting to kill myself.

About a year and a half ago I finally started dating, my very first boyfriend in fact. I was so happy, I thought I could have fun with someone who made me feel good and I could grow with them and build a family. I love cooking for him and seeing him smile and I'm never bored just sitting in a room with him while he plays video games and I watch videos on my phone when we visit each other (we both live with our mothers, our parents are both divorced and I have never met his father, I will never get the chance to meet his father actually and I'd rather not go into detail as to why out of respect for him). I used to wake up with a smile on my face thinking about him, but now I just cry, I found out months ago that he identifies as a zoophile and is sexually attracted to dogs, he expects to purchase a specific breed of dog to become sexually involved with, I tried to understand his side of the argument but I see it as nothing but a delusion and animal sexual abuse. I cannot argue with him, he will tell me the points I make are bad and that "Most arguments against zoophilia are emotionally based" (this is false, zoophilia and bestiality are factually and morally wrong practices, it spreads diseases, it is taking advantage over something that is incapable of rationalizing a situation like an adult human can, and it is absolutely delusional and hedonistically selfish to project human emotions and desires onto an animal to satisfy your own carnal hedonistic desires). A future with him would entail me having to put up with him delusionally sexually abusing an animal (possibly multiple animals as the years progress and the dog ages and/or dies) and I am not allowed to have a child, not a single son. He doesn't even respect me enough to wear a condom when defiling the dog even if I had agreed to live this destructive and harmful lifestyle, I also have to be the one to cut ties in the relationship and I personally believe it is because of him not wanting to hurt his ego by thinking "I left someone I loved to have sex with a dog". I feel like I cannot leave him because no one else has been emotionally supportive or as fun as himself, I will admit he is a manchild and needs to fix his ego and that I'm no better myself (when I can't get my point across effectively I wind up insulting the person to break them down as a knee jerk reaction, I fear this is something I have picked up from my mother but I do not know). I love him very much, the thought of him wanting to do this and throw everything away and put himself, the people he cares about, and the animal in danger just to satisfy a paraphiliac disorder his parents failed to correct and he himself has failed to acknowledge as a problem and fix just causes me so much heartache. I am the only person he has ever told, I have told some of my friends as the stress has built up and I feel 100% guilty about it, like I went behind his back. I do not enjoy saying bad things about him, but sometimes it slips out from stress.

I have not been working for almost an entire year now, I was fired because someone at work was bullying me and it affected my performance and made me look like a fool and I didn't know what I was doing. I had to wake up at 4 am each weekday and have someone drive me to work for a couple of hours because I don't have my license yet, things happened and I wasn't able to get my full license. I loved my job apart from the one co-worker who was bullying me, I studied for it in college and was so happy I had gotten it, it broke my heart to hear I was fired after work, they didn't even give me a two week notice, they just told me I was done after my shift was over. Everyone else knew this co-worker had it out for me as well but no one spoke up, my boss either didn't know they were doing it or didn't care, I'm not sure, all I know is that he favoured that co-worker and would let them leave for an hour to go walk their dog during their shift. Everyone else hated this co-worker and hated that my boss would just let them do whatever they wanted. I would get spoken to like I was an actual imbecile by this co-worker and they would dump all the grunt work on me instead of letting me do what I actually wanted to do in my field, work hard and excel and move up. I wasn't the only new and younger worker on the site either, there was another girl that I worked with (she was very lovely), she was allowed to go out and do the things I wanted while the cunty worker acted like the supervisor and just directed everything I was doing., all while sitting on their ass on their phone pretending to be doing work on the computer, basically the kind of person who wants the big boy desk job because they don't have to get up and move.

For the past year I have been doing nothing but playing video games and getting drunk, I had an interview for another job of the same position with another company but i was so nervous I ended up stuttering like an idiot and didn't answer the questions in the way they wanted me to, crippling my confidence and killing my job search motivation. I need to look for some shit tier part time job to pay off my loans and to pay rent, my mother decided after the first few months of me getting fired I had to pay rent because she couldn't afford it, I can understand me paying rent as I live here but it's so frustrating that she only decided to do it after I lost my job and have to collect EI and due to her terrible spending habits herself. I feel like an absolute failure as a woman and like a leech, I'm not working, I have no one to really talk in depth to, I can't drive on my own, and the person I am in love with wants to rape an animal and won't let me have one child. What am I supposed to do at this point? I'm surprised I haven't given up weightlifting and video games yet.

I've thought about killing myself for a very long time, I haven't decided when I am going to do it but I have narrowed the method down. I'm tired of crying and feeling horrible all the time, I even tried going to a Protestant church to see if finding God could help me, I pray to god every day and night to help my boyfriend overcome his paraphiliac disorder and realize he needs psychological help.

Everything is tiresome, nothing is joyful. Anything good that does happen is always met with something 5 times worse to counteract it. It feels like I was born a loser and have to suffer so that other people can be happy, and I can't take this anymore.

Last edited by The Weary Templar; 08-20-21 at 11:11 AM. Reason: Forgot part of a sentence, fixed to make the context understood as the original though was intended.
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Old 09-11-21, 10:20 AM   #2
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You are not getting what you want because you don't push for it. This is because your upbringing conditioned you that being unreasonably disrespected was normal. Sadly although that was not your fault, you are now stuck with having to re-align your perception of what is acceptable and what you will put up with, and nobody else can do that for you.

I am going to be quite blunt because I am a grumpy old man (well, old enough to be your father at least) and beating around the bush about things is not a productive way to a solution.

The parents: these are the people who put you in this situation. Given their at least partial repentance I don't see anything positive in alienating them, but it's pretty clear that you can't rely on them to fix anything either. Probably not much to gain from spending energy here.

The brother: of all the beings in the galaxy this guy is the most like you. Just imagine if there was nobody who understands you as well as he does. Since your relationship is relatively good I would endeavor to keep it that way. You can't make more siblings and certainly not one like that.

The boyfriend: you already know this but that relationship has to end, or at least take a very long break. The only reason you're still there is because it's your first boyfriend and you don't know any better. If you had had other boyfriends prior to him, when the dog stuff came up you would have dropped him like a hot potato immediately. On one hand it's nice that he feels close enough to reveal it to you, but that is likely only because he correctly surmised that you would be meek enough not to kick up a fuss about it. If he had told you about it on the first date you would never have gone any further, right? The terms of the deal have changed drastically in a way that could not reasonably have been have expected and you have no obligation whatsoever to act like it's all fine. On top of that weirdness, you want a child and he doesn't - case closed I say. Why shouldn't you get what you want, when what you want is perfectly reasonable?
Whatever you do don't get pregnant, otherwise you'll have a whole new set of problems.

The friends: reading between the lines here I sense that the cutting-off is at least partially coming from your side. I mean you "don't think we would get along" means what exactly? Unless you've confirmed with them that politics or whatever is really such an issue, concluding that you wouldn't get along only exists in your imagination. Presuming you actually want to keep those friends, speak your mind and find out whether there's still hope before blaming the cutting-off on them. If they then decide to cut themselves off, you'll have simultaneously taken a step toward being less timid, and also found that they're not really great friends anyway. Unlike a sibling you can always find more friends, perhaps even some who don't take political opinions so personally and can amicably disagree about all kinds of things and still be friends (hint: these people are probably more inclined to wear red hats than you might think). Having a good set of friends will probably lessen the need for a boyfriend somewhat, or at least the tendency to rush at whatever shows up.

The job: unfortunately your ingrained aversion to conflict screwed you over there, so that will need to be corrected next time. Clearly you are able to tell when someone is treating you unfairly, now you just need to make it known to everyone else loudly and just as importantly, immediately. I'm sure you know the saying "give someone an inch, they'll take a mile". It seems to be a law of nature that people with your over-accommodating temperament attract the very people who will take advantage of it. Objecting to how things are going is likely to be quite hard for you, because your instinct thus far will make it feel like you are being too pushy. But ask yourself at each point, is what you're demanding reasonable? Better to go a little too far and then back off, than set the precedent that you can be walked all over. I think you also need to reflect on what you can reasonably expect from others too. For example, look at this: "no one spoke up, my boss either didn't know they were doing it or didn't care, I'm not sure". Who were you expecting to speak up? Why shouldn't it be you? If you're not sure if your boss even knew there were problems, can you really say they didn't care, and what action could you reasonably expect them to take?

The next job: I doubt that a shit-tier job would work wonders for your outlook on the world. Since you have the training and even a little experience at whatever you were doing before, I would strive to not waste it. Depending on what line of work it is and how many places are hiring (admittedly not a great time right now for many occupations) you might even want to try the place where you did the nervous interview again. Stranger things have happened, and many employers know that motivation can be as valuable as experience. A long time ago right after leaving school I needed to fill a few weeks before going overseas, so I got a laboring job. When I turned up the first day the boss said "um... the advert called for 'strong' individuals" which my computer-nerd skeleton build clearly was not. But I was already there so I started that day and kept going back. It was pretty hard physical work that I was slower at doing than the other guys, but when the boss wasn't around many of them would leave early. A couple of times the boss came by around 5pm and I was there by myself, he actually ended up trying to convince me to stay on instead of going overseas. Another time fresh out of college I made an application to a company for a job that was pretty much tailor-made for me. When they declined it seemed like such a mistake that I called and mailed a bit more and eventually got an interview and worked there for four years.
In any case, traveling two hours to work is not really viable. That is such an enormous bite out of your time that you would be better off moving to live closer. I don't know if a change of location would help, but if you are willing to move that would open up a lot more potential places to work. Regarding job interviews, don't regard them as some kind of judgement day as if you're on trial for murder or something. Hiring people is a pain in the ass and the person on the other side of the table is really hoping everything works out just as much as you are.
Regarding even needing a job in the first place, you might also think about what you could do to make money on your own. I'm slowly heading that way and being your own boss is the greatest thing ever. Depends what you do of course, but these days working from home is a lot more common than it used to be, and as a bonus it doesn't require....

The driving: reading between the lines again, I'm gonna assume that not having a license yet is due to some kind of shortcoming on your part. You're quite lengthy and descriptive when other people are to blame and then mysteriously terse at other times - "things happened" indeed. Whatever it is, you need to figure that shit out, it's not rocket science. If you're lifting weights then I'll assume you have arms and legs, and if you're playing video games with any success then your eyes work and your coordination is ok, possibly even better than average. You also seem smart enough to be aware that this lack of independent mobility is a common recurring feature that accounts for a large part of the foundation of your woes. It's hard to say whether this or the boyfriend is the first priority - this might actually be more important, especially if you live where I think you do. But one way or another you absolutely have to get this done. If you need professional lessons, get them. If you just need practice, practice. Beg or borrow time in a car. Things like this can seem like a catch-22, eg. you can't get lessons without money, and you need a car to get to work. But there will inevitably be one part of the problem that is easiest to start at, so start there.
I can't be sure, but I would suspect that gaining the independence to get around on your own will be such a huge boost to your frame of mind that the before and after will feel like night and day. A few years ago when I moved countries I had to borrow a car for a few weeks, even though I could drive myself the constant needing to ask for permission every time to go somewhere was awful, it felt like an eternity. ah... so yeah, you'll need a car eventually too, but one step at a time.

The drinking: nothing wrong with drinking but making a habit of getting drunk is not a great lifestyle. If your social climate is anything like where I live, regular heavy drinkers usually guzzle the same old cheapest swill they can find that destroys neurons. Might I suggest attempting to gradually re-adjust to a quality-over-quantity attitude, where you appreciate a drink for the novelty and craftmanship that went into making it. As a fellow rum drinker, there are plenty of cool interesting tastes out there. It will cost more per sip, but that's kinda the idea.
Once you get that license, being a designated driver could be useful to hold you to a promise of not drinking at all on some occasions. At some point you will also need to be stone cold sober for 9 months so you might want to get used to that ahead of time too.

The video games: these are evil and will melt your brain. Just kidding, I used to play a lot andmm byaarain wwrks finnne. But holy fucking shit what a collosal waste of time it was. These days I only watch other people play on YouTube etc, which I suppose is even more of a waste of time. Just about anything else you could be doing would be more productive. Read Wikipedia, draw a picture, make something with your hands. If it's a fine day spend the time outside... and now I sound like my grandmother, thanks.
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Old 09-11-21, 10:21 AM   #3
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(continued, post was too long)

The smoking: actually I don't recall if you said that you smoke, but obviously that would have to stop if you want a kid. I've never smoked but I've heard it is extremely hard to quit so you might not want to be quitting at the same time as other upheavals in your life are going on.

The weightlifting: this is hugely positive, possibly even more than you realize. After all your brain is a physical object that lives in your body, and the more well-conditioned the whole thing is the better. Lifting is the perfect example in the physical world of pushing yourself to do something you wouldn't normally do, to force that to become the new normal. Presuming you do this at a gym, that's a good place to meet people who are active and healthy, or at least have the forward-looking attitude to do something about it if they're not.

The church: a good place to meet nice people, I wouldn't expect anything above that. Probably more helpful to find somebody there to discuss the heavy topics than your friends/family.

The next guy: I was going to lecture you with my presumption of knowing anything about dating, but that's getting a little ahead of things. Maybe later.

The suicidal ideation: I can't preach about this either since that would be rather hypocritical.

The CBT: That's a T, not a D ok? You might find this quite helpful, once you get the basic idea you don't really need to 'learn' much, and you don't need anyone else to do it with. I'm suggesting this because some of the things you say are just plain absurd, eg. "Anything good that does happen is always met with something 5 times worse to counteract it." This statement is categorically false. "Oh yeah, I was just exaggerating there", you might say. Sure, but even coming up with something like that at all shows how your subconscious sneakily twists reality into something it's not. The conscious mind needs to (consciously of course) step in and evaluate things objectively with cold hard logic, almost like a math problem.
A while ago I caught a rat in my ceiling with a steel cage. There was no way out, but he didn't know that. He frantically explored every millimeter of the cage pushing with all his might at every little gap that seemed like it might be the way out. And when he'd done that he started again. By contrast you are sitting in an (at least partially) imaginary cage and hardly moving. CBT might help to dispel some of the illusion that you're helpless.

By the way while reading your post I was a little taken aback at such a long post having a total lack of spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, incorrect punctuation etc. Are you sure you're using the internet properly? The standard procedure is to have multiple of these, perhaps even with a bonus misused phrase like "for all intensive purposes" for good measure. Anyway, it struck me that you might be good at writing in general. Ever thought about being an author, or writing a screenplay? Think of a cool movie or TV series you would like to see, the character backstory, cool plot twists and tense moments etc, and flesh it out gradually. That's how these things get made you know, at least original works. Nobody places a 'screenplay wanted' advert in the newspaper. Just another thing you can do at home without a boss.

The other thing that stood out was your mention of fixing the lineage of substance abuse, a very admirable goal that made me wonder who was suddenly cutting onions nearby. So while I'm talking about screenplays, allow me to maybe return the favor...

Scene opens with Templar at home making a cup of tea. As she takes it over to the dining table to sit down, we see a calendar on the wall. August, but the year is too small to make out. She barely has a chance to pick up the cup before Templar junior comes bowling in. It seems that one arm will not fit into the jacket and some assistance is required. But first that runny nose needs a bit of a wipe. Thanks Mum! As junior whizzes off to whatever is next on the agenda, Templar catches a glimpse of her reflection in the window and stops for a moment to consider her current life. She is... uhhh shit, I actually hadn't filled out this character much yet, maybe you can help. I was thinking non-smoker, drives a hatchback, likes the odd drink now and then, speaks her mind freely, something like that? Actually since you'll be filling in the days between now and whatever the calendar showed, I'd best leave all those details to you.
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Old 09-20-21, 06:49 PM   #4
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Thanks so much for your input, I really appreciate it a lot and had to take a bit to digest everything you said. To be honest I was surprised to see anyone reply to the lengthy post and was somewhat intimidated before opening but I'm taking the points and criticisms you made and am going to work on improving myself, I will admit I really need to pull my socks up (especially nowadays) if I want to move forward with the rest of my life.

I also appreciate the compliments with my writing, I don't really enjoy spelling mistakes when posting things online and comb through to make sure everything is tidy, although I will admit that when sending quick messages to friends my "just"s become "jsut" and my "the"s become "teh".

As for red hats, it is quite true however I myself am not American so purple hats would be a more accurate description haha.

Thanks so much for the input, advice, and criticisms, I hope you have a good one.
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