Impatience.
Take This Life  

Go Back   Take This Life > Challenges > Suicide Forums > Suicide


Impatience.

This is a discussion on Impatience. within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; //I have nowhere to vent so if this is long I apologise. I just need to tell someone all of ...

join us
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-06-16, 06:33 PM   #1
New Member
 
taki381's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 14
My Mood:
Post Impatience.

//I have nowhere to vent so if this is long I apologise. I just need to tell someone all of this before I explode. Yeah, I know I could go to therapy and I've been trying but it's been almost two months, including a temporary section in a psychiatric ward and still nothing. No help.

I've been planning for a while now, and I'm close to the end. I can't do it right now, as much as I'd like to because I'm in a situation where I don't want the person I'm staying with currently to find me. It's very situational but I don't want to go into details. And please, if you think that the fact I'm not killing myself because of this is a good enough reason for me to keep going, it isn't. I know they'll be hurt either way, but I owe them the chance to not find my body.
I self harm pretty much everyday, which I've never done before. I used to do it weekly, even monthly, but now it's almost a daily ritual. I see no hope and I see no future. At all. I've been miserable since I could understand things properly as a child, I had severe anger issues and before I discovered self harm I harmed those around me. I took anger management but that only aggravated me. Then when I turned 12 I learned what self harm was. I'm 19 now. I still harm myself a lot, in different ways. It's an addiction that I can't and don't want to quit.
My first bout of suicidal thoughts was also at 12, but wasn't strong enough to drag me into its grip. It was more curiosity.
I first got really suicidal at 14, and very almost killed myself. There's a LOT more to why I am this way, what I've gone through etc but I don't want to share so much detail about that. So I'm just going to spill some details. This is mainly just about how I feel lately, etc. Anyway, I was being severely bullied, was discovering myself (I realised I was pansexual) and felt very alone because I had no one who shared my interests whatsoever, and I went from having a whole bunch of friends who felt like family at my previous school, to being a complete loner. I'd just sit up all on night on my laptop watching YouTube videos and other things.
I was going to kill myself in school, for some reason. I'm still not sure why. I pussied out, however. But this time I won't, because I've never ever felt so suicidal in my life. Last year I had a suicide attempt and I thought that was the worst I'd ever been, until this all hit me. It usually passes after about a month but it's getting on for three months now. It's not passed and I have 0 faith that it's going to. And my life has been 80% misery anyway... I don't see any reason to keep going or 'stay strong' when all this time has been constant misery, and will continue to be that way. There's so many reasons for my decision to kill myself, so many... myself, humanity, society, how the future looks disgustingly bleak, not just for me but for the world. The fact that I can't connect with anyone anymore, not even my Mum. I can't make conversation, at all. I'm a loner. A total loner. The only time I can make moderate connections is online and even then, I have to try REALLY hard to do or say anything. Everyone is so fake it disgusts me. Even I'm fake. I've become a hardcore misanthrope, and if I don't kill myself I'll probably end up doing terrible things. I'm so sick of absolutely everything. Life is futile, meaningless and my wish is to abandon it.

//This isn't every reason I'm going to kill myself, because the other reasons are too much to say. Please don't try and help me or give me words or advice/sympathy, etc because I've heard it all and I'm numb to it. I saw my Mum crying on the phone to my Grandma because she's worried about me yet I felt nothing. I'm empty to everything.

Last edited by Forest; 04-07-16 at 06:20 AM.
taki381 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-16, 10:43 AM   #2
New Member
 
sugar bombs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 19
My Mood:
Default

I read your post. I'm not gonna try to empathize or give some advice. I won't nag at you nor compare your life to mine. I just want you to know that I understand how you feel.
sugar bombs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-16, 10:53 AM   #3
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 6
My Mood:
Default

I know you don't want a relpy and I ask forgiveness for not listening to you.. I just need to say I have read your story... What hit me right between the eyes are the part you said ...." Everyone is so fake it disgusts me. Even I'm fake. ..." This is so true .. I am one of them so fake thank you for making me see this.. I mean it in a good way..
Then you said " ..Please don't try and help me or give me words or advice/sympathy, etc because I've heard it all .." My opinion is nobody know exactly how you feel so no words can heal the pain.
You know what I don't like
" I am so sorry for what happened to you"
" Everything happens for a reason"
" Build a bridge and get over it"
" learn from the mistakes you made"
" this will only make you stronger"
Urghhhhh it drive me nuts
You know what else the sweet words
" you are not the only one there is a lot of people that feels exactly like you !!!!!"
What the fuck does anybody know of how I feel!!!
Anyways your writing was very aammm how can I say, it was an eye opener for me.. Have you read about the dbt skills training??
Nikieta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-16, 01:33 PM   #4
Junior Member
 
TheSilentGrey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 172
My Mood:
Default

I don't know what it's like to go through what you're going through, but I do understand what it's like being antisocial, misanthropic, bullied, suicidal, as well as having anger management problems and obscure interests in relation to the rest of society. If you truly don't want any advice, then stop reading now; I can't forgive myself if I don't try for that slim possibility that you actually do want some advice.

The future looks bleak, you said it yourself- and I agree. My future doesn't look good, humanity as a whole doesn't seem to be on a good track either, but nothing's for certain.

I cling onto hope, the chance that things can turn out nicely for me, even if it doesn't seem probable at all. Why? because I only have one life, and if I killed myself then everything would probably just be over: no more thoughts, no more experiences, no more feelings, no more existence. A lot of aspects of existence are easy to take for granted. You're probably thinking that there's too much pain to make it worth it to try to get to that slim chance for a happy future, but with the more pain you've been through, it makes a good future feel so much sweeter.

In the end, it's your life, and up to you what you decide to do with it of course, but I really hope that you can find it in you to give yourself a chance; You've suffered so much without being given any break, and it'd be super depressing if you were to die before being able to know what it's like to be in a state of bliss.

You're pretty young, as am I, but you're finally almost out of school, right? Once you get the hell out of there, you can take it easy for a change. I'm sure your mom who's scared for you would be more than willing to let you take a year or two off so you can get back on your feet. I've really not done much since graduating, except for failing a few post-secondary courses.. but hey, as long as I'm still alive, I still have a chance to do something with my life.

I've only self harmed once, so I probably can't help much there. I know you don't want to stop it, but I think you really should consider it. It might be a good idea to find a substitute for it. Maybe you could find a different activity that you can pour your emotions into, such as drawing, music, writing, running, etc. You could also try the ice-cube method, it still hurts a lot but at least it doesn't cause scarring. You just hold an ice cube in your hand. The residual pain that comes with self harm can work kind of like a domino effect, the pain will remind you of your depression all the time and you will end up self harming more because of it.

Also, there's nothing wrong with being pansexual, so I hope that if you haven't accepted that about yourself yet, that you can grow to become comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. If people bully you for it, they're just full of shit as you probably know, and have nothing better to do with their shitty lives than to make fun of other people. I think it's great that lots of people nowadays are more accepting of different sexualities, also cause I fall into a sub-category of pansexuality.

Sorry, if you're angry that I said all of this, then it's justified.

Last edited by Forest; 04-07-16 at 05:12 PM.
TheSilentGrey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-16, 09:35 AM   #5
New Member
 
taki381's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 14
My Mood:
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheSilentGrey View Post
I don't know what it's like to go through what you're going through, but I do understand what it's like being antisocial, misanthropic, bullied, suicidal, as well as having anger management problems and obscure interests in relation to the rest of society. If you truly don't want any advice, then stop reading now; I can't forgive myself if I don't try for that slim possibility that you actually do want some advice.

The future looks bleak, you said it yourself- and I agree. My future doesn't look good, humanity as a whole doesn't seem to be on a good track either, but nothing's for certain.

I cling onto hope, the chance that things can turn out nicely for me, even if it doesn't seem probable at all. Why? because I only have one life, and if I killed myself then everything would probably just be over: no more thoughts, no more experiences, no more feelings, no more existence. A lot of aspects of existence are easy to take for granted. You're probably thinking that there's too much pain to make it worth it to try to get to that slim chance for a happy future, but with the more pain you've been through, it makes a good future feel so much sweeter.

In the end, it's your life, and up to you what you decide to do with it of course, but I really hope that you can find it in you to give yourself a chance; You've suffered so much without being given any break, and it'd be super depressing if you were to die before being able to know what it's like to be in a state of bliss.

You're pretty young, as am I, but you're finally almost out of school, right? Once you get the hell out of there, you can take it easy for a change. I'm sure your mom who's scared for you would be more than willing to let you take a year or two off so you can get back on your feet. I've really not done much since graduating, except for failing a few post-secondary courses.. but hey, as long as I'm still alive, I still have a chance to do something with my life.

I've only self harmed once, so I probably can't help much there. I know you don't want to stop it, but I think you really should consider it. It might be a good idea to find a substitute for it. Maybe you could find a different activity that you can pour your emotions into, such as drawing, music, writing, running, etc. You could also try the ice-cube method, it still hurts a lot but at least it doesn't cause scarring. You just hold an ice cube in your hand. The residual pain that comes with self harm can work kind of like a domino effect, the pain will remind you of your depression all the time and you will end up self harming more because of it.

Also, there's nothing wrong with being pansexual, so I hope that if you haven't accepted that about yourself yet, that you can grow to become comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. If people bully you for it, they're just full of shit as you probably know, and have nothing better to do with their shitty lives than to make fun of other people. I think it's great that lots of people nowadays are more accepting of different sexualities, also cause I fall into a sub-category of pansexuality.

Sorry, if you're angry that I said all of this, then it's justified.

I ended up dropping out of college (I'm unsure where you're from but I'm in the UK so when I say college I mean 6th form) when I was 18. I couldn't handle it and I'd lost all of my friends, and the placed I lived was very rural so I was very alone. I've been working in London for almost a year so I have some small knowledge of what adult life is like, but I don't enjoy it. I used to be a cleaner which I hated and now I have another job. I'm not going to state where I work however it's a really cool place to work, really fun, famous worldwide and I'm lucky to have gotten a permanent place there but I'm still unhappy.
I write and do a lot of art but it doesn't substitute the self harm. I've tried other methods but honestly it's never the same, I don't find anything else helpful other than my go to method. And I don't mind scarring so that's not an issue for me.
I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, it's just that people are ignorant. And with my experience a lot of the LBGT+ community either don't know what pansexual is or they're discriminative about it, because they believe it's either 'not real' or 'greedy', similar to misconceptions about bisexuality. I thought the LBGT+ community would maybe be one community that I'd be accepted into, but not even they accept me. Nothing works for me.
taki381 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-16, 09:38 AM   #6
New Member
 
taki381's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 14
My Mood:
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikieta View Post
I know you don't want a relpy and I ask forgiveness for not listening to you.. I just need to say I have read your story... What hit me right between the eyes are the part you said ...." Everyone is so fake it disgusts me. Even I'm fake. ..." This is so true .. I am one of them so fake thank you for making me see this.. I mean it in a good way..
Then you said " ..Please don't try and help me or give me words or advice/sympathy, etc because I've heard it all .." My opinion is nobody know exactly how you feel so no words can heal the pain.
You know what I don't like
" I am so sorry for what happened to you"
" Everything happens for a reason"
" Build a bridge and get over it"
" learn from the mistakes you made"
" this will only make you stronger"
Urghhhhh it drive me nuts
You know what else the sweet words
" you are not the only one there is a lot of people that feels exactly like you !!!!!"
What the fuck does anybody know of how I feel!!!
Anyways your writing was very aammm how can I say, it was an eye opener for me.. Have you read about the dbt skills training??

I haven't read about the dbt skills training, no. Infact I'm unsure what that is but I'll Google it. I agree with nobody being able to feel exactly how I feel, so no one can really help much. Especially because I don't say everything that I'm dealing with. I'm scared of what will happen if I do.
Thanks for replying.
taki381 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-16, 10:51 AM   #7
Junior Member
 
TheSilentGrey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 172
My Mood:
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by taki381 View Post
I ended up dropping out of college (I'm unsure where you're from but I'm in the UK so when I say college I mean 6th form) when I was 18. I couldn't handle it and I'd lost all of my friends, and the placed I lived was very rural so I was very alone. I've been working in London for almost a year so I have some small knowledge of what adult life is like, but I don't enjoy it. I used to be a cleaner which I hated and now I have another job. I'm not going to state where I work however it's a really cool place to work, really fun, famous worldwide and I'm lucky to have gotten a permanent place there but I'm still unhappy.
I write and do a lot of art but it doesn't substitute the self harm. I've tried other methods but honestly it's never the same, I don't find anything else helpful other than my go to method. And I don't mind scarring so that's not an issue for me.
I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, it's just that people are ignorant. And with my experience a lot of the LBGT+ community either don't know what pansexual is or they're discriminative about it, because they believe it's either 'not real' or 'greedy', similar to misconceptions about bisexuality. I thought the LBGT+ community would maybe be one community that I'd be accepted into, but not even they accept me. Nothing works for me.
It really sucks that all those so-called-friends ended up not being as good as they might've seemed.

Although nothing else so far has been able to substitute self-harm for you, I do hope you can either find that thing or become able to forgive yourself (or prevent whatever it is that is causing your self-harming tendencies).

With every community, there's going to be people that are awful. It truly is hard to find virtuous people. If you can find at least one, it can really be uplifting. They're not so rare that it's unlikely you'll find one in your lifetime, I mean life is quite long and chances are you will be able to meet someone that really makes a difference in your life. One good friend is all it takes to feel like you have someplace you can call home, at least that's how it was for me.

I truly wish that you can meet that person.

I wonder if someone like me should even be helping people, maybe I don't really know what I'm talking about most of the time. I just hope I don't make things worse.

This is kinda unrelated, but if you upload your artwork online, I'm interested in seeing your works. You don't have to, but if you're ok with it.
TheSilentGrey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-16, 04:29 PM   #8
New Member
 
taki381's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 14
My Mood:
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheSilentGrey View Post
It really sucks that all those so-called-friends ended up not being as good as they might've seemed.

Although nothing else so far has been able to substitute self-harm for you, I do hope you can either find that thing or become able to forgive yourself (or prevent whatever it is that is causing your self-harming tendencies).

With every community, there's going to be people that are awful. It truly is hard to find virtuous people. If you can find at least one, it can really be uplifting. They're not so rare that it's unlikely you'll find one in your lifetime, I mean life is quite long and chances are you will be able to meet someone that really makes a difference in your life. One good friend is all it takes to feel like you have someplace you can call home, at least that's how it was for me.

I truly wish that you can meet that person.

I wonder if someone like me should even be helping people, maybe I don't really know what I'm talking about most of the time. I just hope I don't make things worse.

This is kinda unrelated, but if you upload your artwork online, I'm interested in seeing your works. You don't have to, but if you're ok with it.
It seems like all friends I have leave pretty quickly and I can't help but blame myself for this. I don't know what it is about me but I either lose friends or can't make new ones.

I'm not that anything will help me stop self harming, or substitute it. It's become very addictive for me, I enjoy it and it genuinely does help as an affective coping mechanism. I've had moments where I'd dip in and out of doing it but it's not constant. If I don't do it at least 3 times a week then I'm disappointed in myself. I've become extremely masochistic; it's almost as if if I'm not in pain, I'm not content. I have a dom that I see quite regularly and we practice a lot of BDSM, etc.

And with finding good people... I have found one. He's my best friend. However it doesn't help, I've just really become numb to everything. I have no patience or time for my family or friends anymore. It's strange, but I just no longer have the energy to love them.

I don't mind you reading my writing, however I don't have any of my art online.
taki381 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-16, 06:41 PM   #9
Junior Member
 
TheSilentGrey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 172
My Mood:
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by taki381 View Post
It seems like all friends I have leave pretty quickly and I can't help but blame myself for this. I don't know what it is about me but I either lose friends or can't make new ones.

I'm not that anything will help me stop self harming, or substitute it. It's become very addictive for me, I enjoy it and it genuinely does help as an affective coping mechanism. I've had moments where I'd dip in and out of doing it but it's not constant. If I don't do it at least 3 times a week then I'm disappointed in myself. I've become extremely masochistic; it's almost as if if I'm not in pain, I'm not content. I have a dom that I see quite regularly and we practice a lot of BDSM, etc.

And with finding good people... I have found one. He's my best friend. However it doesn't help, I've just really become numb to everything. I have no patience or time for my family or friends anymore. It's strange, but I just no longer have the energy to love them.

I don't mind you reading my writing, however I don't have any of my art online.
It's hard to make new friends if you're on the quiet side, at least with people that don't know how to look beneath the surface. It's not so bad though, cause people like that are generally on the shallow side anyway. Part of why it's hard to make new friends could be that your personality might be incompatible with a common personality type, and there's really no helping that. It could help to make an effort to come out of your shell and get your personality out there for them to see; It's hard to become friends with people you don't really know anything about after all. Also, asking questions about the person you're trying to make friends with can show them that you're interested, which could make them consider being your friend.

About losing friends, it could be that you don't give them enough attention; This mostly applies to newly made friends though. Some people really require a lot of attention; people that can't give you any space aren't really worth being friends with anyway I'd say. It's also pretty hard to maintain relationships with people that you don't share any interests with, at least in my experience. There's also some shallow friendships which are usually formed with the types of people you'd see everyday at work or school, and these can crumble very easily the moment you don't regularly meet them. I feel that a lot of the time in these types of relationships, everyone's too scared to reveal some things about themselves in fear of rejection, and it prevents any real bonds from being formed.

Ah, I was unaware that you were masochistic. In that case it's really not such a big deal, as you're just doing something you enjoy.

Are you sure it doesn't help you at all to have a best friend? I mean wouldn't it be a lot more lonely if you didn't have anyone?

If you don't love yourself, then it's harder to find the capacity to love other people. I think this is because if you don't love yourself, you don't love your life, and it's harder to care about anything.
TheSilentGrey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-16, 07:18 AM   #10
New Member
 
taki381's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 14
My Mood:
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheSilentGrey View Post
It's hard to make new friends if you're on the quiet side, at least with people that don't know how to look beneath the surface. It's not so bad though, cause people like that are generally on the shallow side anyway. Part of why it's hard to make new friends could be that your personality might be incompatible with a common personality type, and there's really no helping that. It could help to make an effort to come out of your shell and get your personality out there for them to see; It's hard to become friends with people you don't really know anything about after all. Also, asking questions about the person you're trying to make friends with can show them that you're interested, which could make them consider being your friend.

About losing friends, it could be that you don't give them enough attention; This mostly applies to newly made friends though. Some people really require a lot of attention; people that can't give you any space aren't really worth being friends with anyway I'd say. It's also pretty hard to maintain relationships with people that you don't share any interests with, at least in my experience. There's also some shallow friendships which are usually formed with the types of people you'd see everyday at work or school, and these can crumble very easily the moment you don't regularly meet them. I feel that a lot of the time in these types of relationships, everyone's too scared to reveal some things about themselves in fear of rejection, and it prevents any real bonds from being formed.

Ah, I was unaware that you were masochistic. In that case it's really not such a big deal, as you're just doing something you enjoy.

Are you sure it doesn't help you at all to have a best friend? I mean wouldn't it be a lot more lonely if you didn't have anyone?

If you don't love yourself, then it's harder to find the capacity to love other people. I think this is because if you don't love yourself, you don't love your life, and it's harder to care about anything.

The thing is, I used to be so confident and outgoing, surrounded by a group of friends. Back then I had anger issues that then turned into the mental illnesses I have now - but people would have time for me. I got bullied and strived to be part of the popular group, but I at least had a group of friends that I connected with.
Then I moved school, which was the start of my anxiety. I'd previously gone to an all girls boarding school so I wasn't used to how state schools are run. I was very shy which wasn't like me at all, I was shy especially around boys which got me bullied. I'd blush every time anyone spoke to me so they took advantage of that and laughed each time my face went red. They also used to cyber bully me, and confront me in school once I'd blocked them on Facebook. They knew exactly what they were doing - they were so sneaky with their bullying that it was hard to report them. I couldn't screenshot their messages because they were tactful. They'd seem interested in me, wanting to be friends, reel me in and get information out of me and then spread rumours around the next day. This even happened on my first day. I let it slip that I once did graffiti at my old school, and by lunch time instead of 'the new girl', my nickname was 'the graffiti girl'. All the bullying that I've had to endure throughout my life has affected my confidence to a huge degree. I've tried to 'fake it til you make it', I've tried that for literally years and yet nothing has worked. It's only worked with my appearance, which I have no qualms about. I feel like one of those people that are pretty on the outside but horrible and disgusting on the inside.
And with friends I'm extremely loyal. I've always been the one to stay in contact, to try hard to not let the friendship die. But still, everyone leaves and I'm really tired of it. I have no faith or trust in people any more so I no longer bother trying really hard to make new friends. I can't even make good conversation, not with normal people, my friends, not even my mother. I'm fucking useless. My existence is just a stupid mistake.
It's okay having my best friend - but as I said, I no longer have any energy to care or to love anyone so I'm very numb to it. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt guilt, happiness, motivation... I can't even fake a smile any longer. I can't pretend any more because even pretending is too much for me. It's not honest, and I hate being dishonest.
taki381 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
death, self harm, suicide

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:04 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Shoutbox provided by vBShout v6.2.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
 

Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.3.2