ALERT! (SUPER LONG POST)
Your situation reminded me of what I was going through when I was 20.
There are many different types of people. There are nice people, shallow people, mean people, great people. I've unfortunately met a lot of nasty people in my life.
My ex-gf hurt me REALLY bad and compounded my insecurities about being short, skinny, and effeminate. She left me for a taller, more attractive guy. We spent 4 years together and she left me for "attraction" even though she won't outright admit it. My father always rags on me for not being a man. So many people within my culture remind me how skinny I am and that I need to bulk up. So many people talk about the harsh "real-world". It just sucks that sometimes the people closest to you can hurt you the most.
At that point in my life, I felt screwed. No one would ever like me because of some permanent physical thing beyond my control. Get surgery? Too expensive. Workout? My body type would make the growth super slow. My height? It will pretty much stay the same.
To make matters worse, I lost all of my friends (really my so-called friends). I was entirely alone with little support (even from family). It felt like I was dragging a pathetic, meaningless existence. Why continue living? What's the point? It was around this point I thought that I could just end my life.
I was scared $h!tless. I didn't want to die. I want to be happy, free, and loved. I want to be me. I'm a good person, right?. I don't deserve to be hurt like this. Would I put such a fate on an innocent child? This is cruel and wrong. But still... I felt that suicide was beyond my control and there was nothing I could do about it. This is just how the world works. This is the harsh reality of life. I felt so much pain from feeling pitied and treated like 3rd-rate scum. I was all alone in my apartment, in my mind, leeching off of my dad's money with no job, no friends, poor grades, poor body. I believed I had nothing. I was just draining the world's resources. I was a waste of space, completely pointless. I had nothing to offer.
I eventually visited an individual counselor and progressed to group therapy (which I am still in). Depression won over me and I might as well admit that I need therapy because I'm a complete loser.
I'm now still a short, skinny guy who doesn't like nasty people and is still worried about his appearance turning off women. I still have my father attack my character and brand me as a failure. I don't have a girlfriend. i still have problems to deal with.
I said all that stuff before to hopefully help you believe I know what depression is like and perhaps what your situation is like. It's supposed to illustrate how I looked at things before.
Now, it's time for something that may brighten your day.
Things. Have. Changed. For. The. Better.
Suicide IS one solution to your problems. However, it is not the only solution available. If you end your life, then you lose out on every opportunity to make yourself worthwhile in some way.
“The suicidal crisis is temporary. Unbearable pain can be survived. Help is available. You are not alone.”
Life is whatever you want it to be. You have power. People will always give you crap for whatever reason. It's not your job to pander to them. Every individual is responsible for his/her actions. The sins of the father are not put on the son.
As with every human being, you have value and worth. You matter. Being short and skinny is not a curse (even though I still compare myself to the tall, buff guys).
People have treated you wrongly. It's cruel. You deserve to be treated right. YOU deserve to be treated with respect, love, care, affection, sympathy, loyalty, honesty, and compassion. Same goes for every human being.
Who cares if you're short or skinny? Sure, some women will write you off as unattractive or unworthy of their affections. Some guys will make fun of you because they look at you as totally unmanly. I know it hurts to believe you're worthless. The actual truth is...you're worthy.
It's not wrong to find someone unattractive but it is wrong to treat them with disrespect because of that. We all have different tastes. Everyone gets rejected and gives rejections at some point.
As a guy, I like taller girls. I just find them sexy. A lot of guys I know find that weird. I don't care. Some girls are bound to like shorter guys. We all have our reasons and we are just as likely to be loyal to you too.
I made some real friends too. I have no idea how but I'm just happy that it happened. They don't judge me on being short and skinny. They like me just the way I am. They understand my concerns and they love me too. It's good stuff. Male affection is VASTLY underrated. We cycle friendship and love back to one another.
Yes, you are skinny. Yes, you are short. Yes, you have been hurt a lot. But, you are still loved. I think I asked myself what my Creator would do (I'm a spiritual guy) and I concluded immediately that my treatment was just straight up wrong. Individual and group counseling enlightened me to the idea that there are other people who have similar hopes, experiences, and fears as I do.
There are people who aren't going to be mean to you because you don't fit their type. There are people who actually like you. There are people who actually look up to you and want to own your strengths. Say what? My strengths? NO WAY!
It turns out I seem to work pretty well with kids. I think I can empathize with willing people. I know how to be a kid and enjoy my inner child. I can play guitar. I know how to be loving and romantic. I know how to inspire an entire floor of college students in a dorm to play 3v3 nerf wars. It's pretty cool.
If you believe you have nothing, let your fears/worries fade (hopefully) after reading the next tidbit. In my view, most things in life are learned. Ten thousand hours is the magic number to become world-famous in something (check it out for chess players or even the Beatles!).
I got good at guitar by simply playing it over and over again. I mess up all the time and still do! I know so little yet I play a few songs that I love to play. I'm always correcting my behavior and trying to become more stable. It's a lot of work but luckily it's not as scary anymore. Why? Because it's kind of fun after succeeding a few times. Starting is the HARDEST part. You start in ANY way, shape, or form, then you are pretty much golden.
Maybe an example might help. So, if you say wanna learn the guitar, then you pick a song and play it for maybe 10 minutes. Can't do anything with it? Sounds like crap? Of course it does, it's your first time. Getting frustrated? Ok, just try again later (whenever you want to really return to it). Try again then, ok it sounds better (barely). Ouch my fingers hurt. Take a break. Next time, you spend a little more time and can handle the pain a little more. You get frustrated after longer periods of time.
Slowly but surely, you learn the song. Oops, you've messed up a ton. Ack, need to refine technique. Must look up other people. Ok...this is what they did...blah blah blah. After just trying to learn a song and focusing on the technique, the song starts sounding like its supposed to. Maybe, this might take like a week or something. But, now you've gone from nothing to something. You have a better working knowledge of your guitar, music, and that song. You can use that to keep building up! Before you know it, you've mastered the song! I'm currently fine-tuning the song "Neon" by John Mayer. It's REALLY HARD!
My point is that with enough time and effort, you'll get it. The time and effort isn't ever perfectly done. I still try to refine it and learn from others. I admit I can't play it right and learn from someone who plays the song better than myself. I keep going until I really feel I have some parts down.
Nothing in life is perfect. Perfection is an illusion. Go for good enough instead. You don't need to be the traditional hunk to enjoy your life.
People who are uncharacteristically shallow have issues of their own. Seriously, being bad to another person is a cause for concern. It's unfortunate that you've internalized it. But...you're aware of it now.
It's your choice. It's your power. All you have to do is try a LITTLE. There is no definite amount. Do something. Anything. Think. Talk. Write. Cry. Whatever.
Get your body moving. Depression to me was a sign that my system wasn't working for me. Try something new. Please be safe and healthy about it though. You have a list of morals and values that you believe in despite what the world has put on to you. Stick to your principles.
If anything, that's what being a man is about. Be caring, loving, honest, honorable, faithful, loyal, strong, just, and so on. Our bodies will fade. We're all going to die anyway. No one is immortal. No one is the ultimate top dog.
I've written quite a lot so I regretfully must end this post for now.
I will conclude to say that this is YOUR WORLD. What do you want from your life? Love? Peace? Friends? Sex? Happiness? Fame? Glory?
It's your life. Choose how you want your world to be. Be genuine. Practice humility. Put your faith in something greater than yourself. Accept yourself the way you are. Embrace hope. Keep yourself down-to-earth. Be happy, safe, and friendly. Trust your feelings and instincts. Think about your principles, your code, your morals, your beliefs, your true identity.
It's only a matter of time before you live a life you enjoy 1000x more than the one you've had before. There is no quick fix. There is no instant problem solver. Take it one inch at a time. Watch your own back and be a good man. Protect yourself. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Challenge yourself. Do it for others too.
Welcome to manhood
Check out these books:
- Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
- Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb