I'm out of ideas
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I'm out of ideas

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Old 01-24-17, 07:16 PM   #1
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Unhappy I'm out of ideas

I'm hopeless in this world and don't know how to handle it. I was diagnosed with many things excluding clinical depression and borderline personality disorder when I was 14 after I first tried to kill myself. Since then I've been raped 3 times, continued to be abused mentally and physically by both my mother, older brother, and step father, and tried to take my life nearly successfully two more times, among other things. I ran away, over 500 miles away, to be with someone who cared and still cares about me. But I don't know how they could love me. Sure I love them, but that doesn't stop the panic attacks, the flashbacks, the coldsweats, the hallucinations, the everything. It's been very hard. And whenever I would talk to a professional, I wouldn't get any answers. Even had one tell me I was too selfish and then told my mother to punish me more for being the way I am, when in reality I was not a big trouble maker. I stayed out of the way and kept to myself. But I still do that. Not to stay out of trouble, but to not get in the way.

Now I'm sitting here while the love of my life sleeps next to me. I haven't eaten in 26 hours, and I had one small meal before then in the previous 20 hours, and the pattern has been like this for a long while. My mother continues to harass me via email after I blocked her number (and I don't use social media), so I had to change my main email just to get away from her. I haven't been able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. The nightmares keep coming back. Even nightmares about a car accident I was in several years ago haunts me mercilessly alongside the rapes, failed suicide attempts, the abuse... I just took 5 sleeping pills before signing up here, but I'm not tired at all. I just want to sleep my life away. I was diagnosed at 16(?) with sleep apnea, insomnia, narcolepsy, that stupid restless leg syndrome BS.

I can barely get out of bed to take a shower despite how little sleep I actually get. I just sit and watch YouTube videos or play games on the PC.

I'm at the end of my rope now. I've been having total meltdowns every day for a week or so. Full blown buckets of tears, sobbing loudly, shaking, hyperventilating, having hot and cold flashes, among other things.

I have thought of trying again, but even before I ran away, I couldn't gather the courage to actually go through with it.

Anyway, thanks for listening, I guess. I'm not trying for a cry for help or a pity party or anything of the sort. Just wanted to rant a while anonymously.
Snowmog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-26-17, 10:03 PM   #2
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Hoping things get better for you. Life is so painful at times but there are always positive things. Focus on the positives.
Horizon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-27-17, 06:33 AM   #3
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I'm so sorry I can't really offer you any answers but I read your post and just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you.
Life can be cruel and hard but if we hang on to it hope can come.
Please try and find some positives in your situation and focus your mind on those.
Sending you all the love I can muster..... x
hopeful harry is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-17, 11:27 AM   #4
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I guess the only thing I picked up from that message was the love of my life sleeps next to me part.
Sorry I am a big romantic. And that part seemed quite sweet :)
Just hang in there and keep persevering and trying to be happy. Ill pray for you to be better soon!
Pottylife is offline   Reply With Quote

depression, suicidal

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