My story begins 16 years ago when I was 8. The first time I tried to kill myself. My mom walked in and caught me. I spent two weeks in inpatient care. This attempt stemmed from my sister's attitude towards me. My biological 'father', her step dad, sexually molested her for years before my mom caught him. My sister has blamed me for this ever since. She treated me horribly and I took all the blame and guilt for her.
When I was in high school, I began harming myself after my girlfriend broke up with me. She was not interested in leaving my hometown, and I was leaving for the army in a few months. After she broke up with me, I started drinking and smoking weed. I quit caring about everything. My GPA plummeted, and I barely graduated. I spent years trying to get back together with her.
The week after graduation I was on a plane for basic training and AIT. After finishing training I went to airborne school. I tore my MCL after landing wrong. I landed wrong after being released from the 250' tower. I didn't finish the training, the first failure of my adult life.
Soon after I was able to leave the base, I received orders for Fort Stewart. I got there and took leave. I went home and met my first wife. We started a relationship shortly after. I returned to Stewart and got on a plane for Iraq a week later. While there, I did have a couple of incidents that have seriously scarred me.
Not long after I returned from the Middle East I proposed to her. We were married 6 months later. I requested a transfer to a base in Kansas to be close to her family. Shortly after we moved in together, we found out she was pregnant. About five months into the pregnancy, we found out that our baby had alobar holoproenchepaly, which is a deadly condition where the skull fills with spinal fluid and the brain does not have room to grow. She passed during birth. We had her cremated.
We actively tried to get pregnant again. After over a year of trying, I went to get tested. I found out that I was sterile. When I confronted her, she admitted to the baby not being mine, and all of her infidelities. Evidently while we were living in separate states, she had a boyfriend while we were engaged. And every time she went home while we were married she partied and cheated on me. She admitted to all of this. I told her to leave the same day, after three years of marriage and almost five total years in a relationship.
Not long after she left, I got drunk and attempted suicide again. I was on the phone with my best friend when I attempted. I don't remember any of this, as I was blackout drunk.
About seven months after she left, I met the woman that was living with my neighbor. She is completely amazing. She has two kids, ages 11 and 13. I fell in love with her, when she was only supposed to be a one night stand. She had had a troubled 13 year marriage and was pretty messed up. My 'white knight' syndrome kicked in and I began to persue her to fix her. After a couple of months I realized just how much I do love her. We spent seven incredible months together. I never even like and kid until I met hers, and I completely fell in love with them too.
This woman was my everything. She was the most incredible woman I have ever met. She is 32, I am 24, and the kids are 11 and 13. But I pushed her away. I don't have a clue why.
And now here I sit. All I want is to leave this earth. I keep thinking about a quote I heard in a movie. "I long for death, but fear it." I am not religious by any means, but I am afraid there is an afterlife and I will miss it by committing suicide. I am scared.
I have only drank twice since our break up, because I am afraid that I will do something stupid. I am too scared to kill myself sober, and I know that if I get drunk chances are I won't wake up.
I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety, depression, and insomnia. I quit seeing my psychiatrist because the medicine she prescribed didn't work. I haven't talked to my family in years.
Thank you for reading. It feels good to get this off of my chest, and I have no one else to turn to.