If not now, when?
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If not now, when?

This is a discussion on If not now, when? within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; My story begins 16 years ago when I was 8. The first time I tried to kill myself. My mom ...

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Old 02-01-13, 12:46 AM   #1
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Default If not now, when?

My story begins 16 years ago when I was 8. The first time I tried to kill myself. My mom walked in and caught me. I spent two weeks in inpatient care. This attempt stemmed from my sister's attitude towards me. My biological 'father', her step dad, sexually molested her for years before my mom caught him. My sister has blamed me for this ever since. She treated me horribly and I took all the blame and guilt for her.

When I was in high school, I began harming myself after my girlfriend broke up with me. She was not interested in leaving my hometown, and I was leaving for the army in a few months. After she broke up with me, I started drinking and smoking weed. I quit caring about everything. My GPA plummeted, and I barely graduated. I spent years trying to get back together with her.

The week after graduation I was on a plane for basic training and AIT. After finishing training I went to airborne school. I tore my MCL after landing wrong. I landed wrong after being released from the 250' tower. I didn't finish the training, the first failure of my adult life.

Soon after I was able to leave the base, I received orders for Fort Stewart. I got there and took leave. I went home and met my first wife. We started a relationship shortly after. I returned to Stewart and got on a plane for Iraq a week later. While there, I did have a couple of incidents that have seriously scarred me.

Not long after I returned from the Middle East I proposed to her. We were married 6 months later. I requested a transfer to a base in Kansas to be close to her family. Shortly after we moved in together, we found out she was pregnant. About five months into the pregnancy, we found out that our baby had alobar holoproenchepaly, which is a deadly condition where the skull fills with spinal fluid and the brain does not have room to grow. She passed during birth. We had her cremated.

We actively tried to get pregnant again. After over a year of trying, I went to get tested. I found out that I was sterile. When I confronted her, she admitted to the baby not being mine, and all of her infidelities. Evidently while we were living in separate states, she had a boyfriend while we were engaged. And every time she went home while we were married she partied and cheated on me. She admitted to all of this. I told her to leave the same day, after three years of marriage and almost five total years in a relationship.

Not long after she left, I got drunk and attempted suicide again. I was on the phone with my best friend when I attempted. I don't remember any of this, as I was blackout drunk.

About seven months after she left, I met the woman that was living with my neighbor. She is completely amazing. She has two kids, ages 11 and 13. I fell in love with her, when she was only supposed to be a one night stand. She had had a troubled 13 year marriage and was pretty messed up. My 'white knight' syndrome kicked in and I began to persue her to fix her. After a couple of months I realized just how much I do love her. We spent seven incredible months together. I never even like and kid until I met hers, and I completely fell in love with them too.

This woman was my everything. She was the most incredible woman I have ever met. She is 32, I am 24, and the kids are 11 and 13. But I pushed her away. I don't have a clue why.

And now here I sit. All I want is to leave this earth. I keep thinking about a quote I heard in a movie. "I long for death, but fear it." I am not religious by any means, but I am afraid there is an afterlife and I will miss it by committing suicide. I am scared.

I have only drank twice since our break up, because I am afraid that I will do something stupid. I am too scared to kill myself sober, and I know that if I get drunk chances are I won't wake up.

I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety, depression, and insomnia. I quit seeing my psychiatrist because the medicine she prescribed didn't work. I haven't talked to my family in years.

Thank you for reading. It feels good to get this off of my chest, and I have no one else to turn to.

Last edited by Forest; 02-01-13 at 06:12 AM.
artillery1988 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-01-13, 12:51 AM   #2
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Hey there,

Welcome to TTl :=]

That is the most impossibly hard story. I don't think I've ever encountered anyone who attempted suicide earlier than I did. I'm so very very sorry you had to live through such times.

I honestly don't know what else to say. Any practical advice just seems like a platitude.

I guess you've had decades of bad times. All you can really do for yourself is make sure that the next few decades are full of good times. I know that sounds super lame, but you deserve it :=]
andrewmcspandrew is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-01-13, 01:12 AM   #3
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Hi Artillery1988, welcome to TTL. Don't know what to say just that you haven't had the easiest time along the way. I'm wondering if you wouldn't be better to see a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist. I think you have lots of things to talk out. I should be doing the same myself. Infact you reminded me I should go to one also. Just been to busy myself.

I do think you need to see someone. Anti-depressants might help you also. I hope things get better for you. Take Care and Welcome to TTL.
TooMuch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-01-13, 11:18 AM   #4
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Hey Artillery1988

I definitely think you need some anti-depressants. I couldn't get through a day without taking mine. Talk to your doctor and explain how you are feeling, they can prescribe some medication and possibly refer you to someone who might be able to help you
FreezeTheAtlantic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-05-13, 11:26 PM   #5
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Welcome to TTL.

Wow, I don't know what to say. But I will reiterate what the others have said that you should probably see a doctor about anti-depressants. If one isn't working, another one might. They might also be able to refer you to a psychologist. Talking really does help, take it from someone who knows.

Again, welcome to TTL, we're listening.
withoutaclue is offline   Reply With Quote

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