I've been alone for since I can remember. it seems I've always had problems with human interactions. I've never had any friends, got bullied in school and beat up & yelled at by my parents regularly. I don't see why I keep on doing this. there's nothing for me here. everyone feels corrupt, shallow and boring. I can't understand anyone. Life feels like playing a really bad game, and I can't seem to find anything to satiate my need for... something. I can't seem to get a sense of satisfaction, of completion. it's like I got broken and left to pick all the parts up together, but there's still one missing. the fact I have no social interactions makes me out of touch with reality. I constantly question myself, and doubt myself "what's the reason for being born if I'm so flawed?". but flaws are inevitable. so, life in itself has to blame. I look at myself and judge others, only then to understand that I am worse in many ways. It keeps me up at night, prevents me from sleeping. I thought about committing suicide once, and realized I am afraid. I took that as a hint I still want to live. but unless I am standing over the edge, there's nothing to prevent me from jumping. and even then, the fear is vague and instinctive, like fear from needles or generally getting hurt. "why am I still here?" I keep asking myself. not wanting to do anything or work anywhere. sometimes I feel that maybe I'm just lazy. but I know it's more than that. it's something else. I shouldn't be posting this, I think. but I felt bad and confused, so I had to. I'll get professional help when I feel the need to.
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I wonder why I'm still living.
