I wish i was dead
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I wish i was dead

This is a discussion on I wish i was dead within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I have been suffering from depression, paranoia and several anxiety disorders for a long time now. I also have myalgic ...

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Old 10-28-14, 02:47 PM   #1
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I have been suffering from depression, paranoia and several anxiety disorders for a long time now. I also have myalgic encephalomyitus for about 19 years. All of which have destroyed my health. Doctors and hospitals have failed to help me out. I not only feel like death, but also look like death.

Furthermore, I am poor, unable to have a job, unable to engage in sport. My family doesn't really care if I'm dead or alive, friends all have turned their backs. So I have nothing to live for and I have no support whatsoever.

Every morning I wake up. But I don't want to, I want to pass away in my sleep. I wish I was dead.

To take my mind off things, I watch reality shows and movies. I see healthy and wealthly people explore and enjoy life. I start fantasizing of what my life could actually be like. Pretty pathetic, isn't it? But it is my only escape. Until the glorious day I will be finally released from this life of agony. I hope it won't be long now.
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Last edited by FromTheHeart; 10-28-14 at 02:50 PM.
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Old 10-28-14, 03:26 PM   #2
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Hi FromTheHeart, I really don't know what to say.Your posting is incredibly sad and I am so sorry you feel this way.You said that Doctors have failed to help you out and I get this. When my Doctor retired I must have seen around 10 others before I found one that I not only liked but had faith in.I know its a pain but please ask others about their Drs and perhaps you will find THE one that's perfect for you. The right Doctor can change your life in amazing ways! What makes you think these(so called) healthy, wealthy reality stars are enjoying life? They are probably not even happy and taking the same antidepressants as us.Haaa.
Please find yourself a caring Doc (they are out there.)You don't have to live like this! Do you recall feeling happy?Well you can again!
*BLESSINGS*
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Old 10-28-14, 04:27 PM   #3
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FromTheHeart~For all it's worth, I'm grateful that you're here.
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Old 10-29-14, 06:13 PM   #4
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Quote:
I know its a pain but please ask others about their Drs and perhaps you will find THE one that's perfect for you. The right Doctor can change your life in amazing ways!
Hi Listless Lyric. Thank you for taking the time to reply. You are probably right. But I was prescribed medication that caused some serious side effects. A chronic aggravation of my ME. Plus chronic loss of appetite, stomach problems and nausea for many years now. I am skinnier than ever before. I absolutely hate it. So I don't have much faith in doctors anymore.

Quote:
What makes you think these(so called) healthy, wealthy reality stars are enjoying life? They are probably not even happy and taking the same antidepressants as us.Haaa.
I am sure some of them have issues too. But let me put it like this. If I had that kind of energy and wealth, and if I was in that kind of physical shape, I would be very pleased.

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FromTheHeart~For all it's worth, I'm grateful that you're here.
Aries, I appreciate your kind words. Thanks.

Basically, I just hate my life and I hate this world. I have failed completely. I am a recluse and avoid people at all cost. This life isn't for me anymore. I have had enough of it. I just want to have my eternal peace. Dear Lord, please take me home...take me home, tonight.
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Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away,
to a land where joys will never end,
I'll fly away.

Last edited by FromTheHeart; 10-29-14 at 06:18 PM.
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Old 10-29-14, 09:25 PM   #5
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I can only say that it appears to me that I understand what you are talking about. I do the same thing looking at people I actually know that have it all together and that I know have it all together....looks, wealth, happiness, body, education, job, friends, good family, boyfriend, etc etc and wonder why God placed me on the short bus of life. I have so many disorders that are incurable you would wonder how my genetics got it wrong. I have been sexually assaulted in college, after college, and in the military. I am estranged from my family. Can't maintain my weight due to my disorders. I am unemployed due to the stress of my disorders. I have not been me in YEARS to the point I have no idea who that is anymore. I live in misery every single day and don't feel I can go on anymore. I know this post is all about you but my point is that I think I know where you are coming from. I do not want to assume I know which is why I say maybe.

I want to not exist so very badly. I pray that there is reincarnation as I definitely paid my dues in this one for some unknown reason. I am really doubting the presence of God because I have never seen him in action in my life. Am I getting close to the way you feel?

Just know there are people out there who know or at least are close to the way you feel....it is easy to think you are the only one.....I know I do a lot.
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Old 11-01-14, 01:58 PM   #6
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Thank you for sharing your story Angie, it made me feel not so alone. Our situations seem to have a lot in common.

As far as I am concerned I am tired of trying for so many years and decided to let go of my dream. Now I am longing for my eternal peace, waiting to be released from this life of agony. While doing so I like to watch a reality show or a nice movie and dream away... I try to cope in the best way possible.

Right now suicide is not an option, but I haven't completely ruled it out yet. It is possible that circumstances force me to take drastic measures after all.

Anyway, thanks again for reaching out: I wish you all the best.
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Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away,
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I'll fly away.

Last edited by FromTheHeart; 11-01-14 at 02:01 PM.
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Old 11-08-14, 01:43 PM   #7
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Wow, you're almost exactly like me. I have disorders on top of disorders. I can't hold a job. I feel like I'm wasting space. I use TV and games as a temporary escape from my misery. And I've given up on dreams and am just waiting for death to take me because I'm too cowardly for suicide.

I don't say this to take focus away from you, I say this to say that you're not alone. There are more people like you than you think. Hope this small fact gives you some measure of comfort. May we both find what we need.
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Old 11-08-14, 04:16 PM   #8
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Thank you so much for reaching out, withoutaclue. It really means a lot to me. And yes, it does give me a small measure of comfort to know that I am not alone. People like us are usually hiding from society, so it may indeed look like we don't exist at all.

I am extremely depressed, exhausted and stressed out. I can't do this anymore. I sometimes read the papers and watch the news, but it is better for me that I don't. Because it totally freaks me out.

I don't have a life and I don't have a future. I also have no more tears left to cry over it. I am already past that. Last time I cried was about 10 months ago.

So basically, I am already dead. There is hardly any life left in me. I am only waiting for my heart to stop to finally wrap things up. If my end would come tonight, I would welcome it with open arms.
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Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away,
to a land where joys will never end,
I'll fly away.

Last edited by FromTheHeart; 11-08-14 at 04:20 PM.
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Old 11-08-14, 04:17 PM   #9
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FromTheHeart, anybody who understands the condition and having even a grain of empathy would say you have done a tremendous job if you've borne this illness for so long! I hope they will also be understanding of your feeling weary of life, which doesn't feel like a gift when it is so filled with suffering. Constant suffering makes anyone question the values most people hold as normal. I educated myself on what you struggle with (see below) and cannot claim to have anything near your level of difficulty, but I support your struggle and your decisions as a mature adult who is making the choices right for you.

The following website for ME seems to be well written, without negative bias toward people with your condition, and the links in it seem to be good resource... I hope it may be useful for you. NAME-US.org For ME/CFS Patients


OVERVIEW of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME):
It is a chronic degenerative neuro-immune disease described in medical literature as early as 1935. A child or adult with ME has serious immune and cardiovascular abnormalities, with resulting serious CNS (central nervous system) consequences due to brain injury. The disease snatches the vital life out of patients on the level of diseases like MS, AIDS, mitochondrial diseases, and cancer. The unrelenting pain, cognitive impairment and exhaustion of ME are often literally unspeakable. Most times ME strikes relatively quickly (within hours, days, weeks). Once active and productive children and adults are suddenly robbed of vitality, with disability ranging from completely bedridden to somewhat functional. Variable disability and lack of treatments results in lowered or poor quality of life, and usually progresses to premature death due to direct and indirect complications of the disease. Among the leading causes of death are heart failure and cancer, average life span 58.7 and 47.8 respectively, which is considerably younger than the general population (heart failure, 83.1; cancer, 72 - See Mortality).

NO TREATMENTS SINCE 1935?! WHY NOT?!
Most diagnostic tools and treatments have been denied to the majority of patients, due in large part to government and insurance industry politics. As a result, most patients are left to suffer lifelong disabling chronic progressive illness, and die significantly earlier than the norm with minimal or no treatment. Many lose some or all of their livelihoods: jobs, homes, families. Most are maligned in the same ways that MS and AIDS patients were in previous decades. And as a result, most have significantly shortened life spans (averaging roughly around age 57) due to complications arising from ME - usually cancer, heart failure, other organ failure, various complications, and often suicide due to little hope of treatment for sometimes unbearable pain and prolonged poor quality of life.
And no one is immune; anyone of any race, age or gender can get ME.
(source: National Alliance for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis)
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Old 11-09-14, 02:20 PM   #10
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i dont have answer or a treatment... but all i can say is is that life does get better it in it own strange ways.....
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