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I want to kill myself.

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Old 04-27-12, 11:19 AM   #21
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A lot of times I just wish there was an easy way out. I'm basically screwed. I don't want to be here, but if I die my family will suffer. Its a trap that you can't escape. I just hate life so much. I hate almost everything about it. I have consistently failed at every single thing I have ever set out to do. I'm tired of failure, I just can't do it anymore. Its to the point now where no one in my family ever takes anything I say seriously because I never achieve what I say I'm going to achieve. It is something I cannot deal with anymore. I've dealt with it until I can't do it anymore.
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Old 04-27-12, 11:31 AM   #22
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I understand it feels like a trap. If you feel you can't deal with things anymore, maybe it's worth considering some professional support? Maybe it would help you deal with everything better?

I know what you mean about your family. Whenever I try something new, I tend to keep it to myself just in case it doesn't happen - then I don't have any explaining to do to anyone when it fails. And if it does happen, that's when I tell people. This can't work for everything (like being in school - they know that anyway)... but it's an option for other things.

You mentioned that you hate almost everything about life. What are some things you don't hate?
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Old 04-27-12, 11:42 AM   #23
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Fornever, I can tell you you are too hard on yourself. You may not believe that now, but you are. I don't know if you are right in saying you have failed in everything,but even if I don't believe it and think you are looking at only things you have failed at, I'd say that learning to deal with failure is a process. Taking it in stride instead of letting it crush you takes practice.
I am learning that we let failure and rejection define us. They needn't. It is too much a burden to carry and I'm sure you know how hard that is. It even cripples us because we are so afraid of trying again for fear of failing.
You are human,Fornever. Don't allow this fear deprive you. I feel like a hypocrite telling you this, because I'm the same. I must confess though that I'm getting better at just trying for fun and not beating myself up endlessly. Please don't let it put you in a box and deprive you of all you can achieve. Fornever's best is good enough. When I find myself doubting again, I say,'stop it,Celery,Just stop! Stop trying too hard! You are enough!'
You are enough, Forenver! If you feel people around you judge you,join the other team and be that one person that accepts you inspite of your 'failures'. Please try to stop judging yourself so so harshly. It is a miserable life and no one deserves itYou know how much it hurts,you do. Please try to set yourself free from that,one step at a time.
I will talk more later,feel like I'm repeating myself over and over. Please just try to try something else for a week?
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Old 04-27-12, 12:48 PM   #24
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Prairiedawn,

What is something I don't hate about life? MUSIC! I love music so much. It is just my absolute favorite thing to do. It is something that no one can take away from you. When your performing music, that moment is yours and yours alone. I just love to crank up my amp and let my guitar do the talking. It is sooooo much better than acting or poetry. People discuss poetry and get in debates and yata yata yata. With music, there is no talking, no reciting, no debating, just listening and jamming! Its a HELL of a lot of fun and it links cultures together. Music has to be one the best things in this world. It is all around AWESOME!

Celery,

You don't sound repetitive. When did you repeat yourself? I didn't see it. When I say I've failed at everything, that is completely objective. It is not my opinion. Its is pure fact. Every plan I have ever made has been ruined, usually by myself. I just wish there was something for me in this world but please believe me, I'm completely worthless.
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Old 04-27-12, 02:06 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fornever View Post
When I say I've failed at everything, that is completely objective. It is not my opinion. Its is pure fact. Every plan I have ever made has been ruined, usually by myself. I just wish there was something for me in this world but please believe me, I'm completely worthless.

How about your music, Fornever? There's so much more you can still try. I think you need to feel like you are contributing positively to something.
Maybe just volunteer somewhere for now-there will be no pass or fail as such-all you'd need is commitment. And you'd be glad you are helping and making life easier for some.
I know it can be hard, but take the first step towards believing in yourself again-It is the hardest one, but not impossible. You are worth it!
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Old 04-27-12, 02:19 PM   #26
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It's great to hear you be so passionate about music! And rightly so! If you have a talent for it, then that's not only your passion, but it's also one of your strengths. Not everybody has an ear for music, or can learn an instrument. Maybe it comes naturally for you. Enjoy it!!
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Old 04-27-12, 02:58 PM   #27
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But its an impractical job. There is basically no way to make it in todays music business. Not unless you want to give up your style of music and start playing the autotune stuff or Taylor Swift or something. The style of music I play has been dead for a long time and people just arent into guitar music or rock bands like they used to be. Its all this ridiculous, computerized, hip-hoppy garbage. Theres nothing of substance out there anymore. And to be honest with you. I set out on that dream a couple of years ago. Lets just say its a big tough world out there. Music is something I do and do well but I'm just not a good performer. I could not last in that world. It is too insecure and tough.
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Old 04-27-12, 05:25 PM   #28
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I know people who prefer rock. Some are in their 40's and some in their 20's. There's an entire Broadway show built around it - Rock of Ages. Extremely popular show. Sure, it's not the current "top 40" sound that's all over the radio, but it's a valid genre with it's own (I think large) fan base. How about a local band? Keep it small and manageable? You could throw videos up on youtube and see if they get a reaction, just for fun. Play around with it. Just some thoughts...
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Old 04-27-12, 06:06 PM   #29
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I agree with Prairie. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, you enjoy making music, and there's people out there who would enjoy listening to your music. Make a Youtube channel, record some songs.

It'll help take your mind off things, most importantly. Instead of drinking, or thinking about everything, you'll be fiddling with the software to make sure the upload quality is good, writing lyrics, or messing around on a music sheet.

One of my favorite artists makes beats (not what you're thinking, just have a listen; "Winter's Song" Deep Inspiring Piano Orchestral Beat - YouTube)and puts them up on Youtube. He doesn't live off of it, but since he got a Youtube partnership, he does make money from it. Just something to think about.
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Old 04-27-12, 07:30 PM   #30
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I just want to kill myself.
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