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I want to kill myself.

This is a discussion on I want to kill myself. within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; Take up the guitar dude. Hobbies used to be the only thing that kept me happy. I would live solely ...

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Old 04-26-12, 11:57 PM   #11
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Take up the guitar dude. Hobbies used to be the only thing that kept me happy. I would live solely to continue my hobby. In this situation I think finding something that you truly enjoy doing is important.
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Old 04-27-12, 12:25 AM   #12
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Hey, hey, well done to put it mildly. You seemed in such a bad space. I know what it's like to be in a similar space and pulling back from there takes so much courage and determination.

Things aren't gonna be perfect straight away. But that's a fucking huge step :=]
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Old 04-27-12, 12:39 AM   #13
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Thank you guys so much. The reality is, I was on the brink of death. I almost killed myself, but I just could not go through with it. What is it that makes us want to stay alive? Even when our lives are shitholes? Why does the "stay alive" always overpower the "kill myself". Why do we fear death and embrace life so much?
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Old 04-27-12, 12:53 AM   #14
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You ever read Shakespeare? I've always loved Hamlet's soliloquy, the "To be or not to be" one. That's exactly what its about.

I think Hamlet decides that pretty much we don't follow through with it because we're scared of what we don't know. I'd agree but I also think that I've got a fair measure of innate self preservation. It's almost like my body, my soul, whatever baulks at the idea of suicide. It's like the way you pull your hand back if you accidentally burn yourself. Somewhere inside me there's something that wants me to survive with such intensity I can't fight it when push comes to shove.
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Old 04-27-12, 12:55 AM   #15
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I just found this thread and I'm glad you are here Fornever. :)

As for your question, why do we embrace life so much, even when life is impossible? There are a lot of answers for that question. One of the most simplest ones is, life is precious. It's a fight and there are many days it doesn't feel worth fighting for. But, I'm glad my mom fought for me and brought me into this world. Yeah, I gotta fight to keep it but, in the end, life is precious.

Hey, my cousin is facing something similar with her dreams. She wanted to be in the Guard too and was accepted. It was the only plan she had for her life and the only one she wanted. Half way into bootcamp and she gets sent home and discharged because of a medical issue. It's very strange that they didn't catch the medical issue before she went to bootcamp or even when she joined. Now she's like, 'where do I go from here?' However, I know that whatever happens, it'll turn out for good.

It's the same thing for you. Whatever happens in the future may be totally unexpected but it will turn out for good. All of us on TTL think you are worth while and I'm sure there are others who think so too. You are worth a lot! Keep fighting, Fornever! We'll keep on fighting too!
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Old 04-27-12, 12:56 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fornever View Post
I called one of the hotlines. The lady was nice but she couldn't offer any advice, but she listened to me for a while and then I ran out of things to say.
Basically, I still wish I was dead, but I'm not going to deny it, I'm fighting for my life. I want to show the world that I DO have value and am not a waste of life. This demon is putting up quite a fight and I've came so close to losing. The only thing that kept me from killing myself is that my mother is not in good health and if I died she would suffer greatly. My family would suffer so much. They shouldn't but they would, I don't deny that. I just could not put them through that. I honestly think my mom would kill herself if I killed myself. I don't want that for anyone else. I seriously sat with my rifle for a long time just jumping back and forth between "do it, or don't do it". Lets face it, when it comes down to it, most people just can't do it. There are too many ifs and unknowns about what will happen to you after you've done it. So I stayed alive for the night. But I wish there was a way I could just get it over with. I want to stop living! My day was one from HELL! I basically lost everything I had planned for. It was the icing on the shit cake. I just lost it. I could not bear it anymore. I love my family so much and it would just completely turn their world upside down if I killed myself. I just need help in so many ways. I hate myself as I am now. I want to be a good person without bad thoughts and without the quirks that I have. I want to find where I belong. I'm thinking about going back to music because I used to be a very accomplished guitarist. Actually, I was about as good as it gets if I say so myself. I gave up the dream of music when I realized it was such a risky business. I just don't know what to do.

Keep fighting for your life,Fornever,don't stop Whenever your strength is low,talk to us. I can relate to some of your frustration. Give yourself a chance and accept your quirks. I think we've all got them, but some of us judge ourselves really harshly believing we have no good in us and even that we spread our 'bad' everywhere. When we don't succeed at somethings, we feel that is what we really deserve and we begin to point out reasons why to ourselves.
I know how difficult it is to accept ourselves with all that,Fornever, but that is what you need to do. No one has it all. We are all flawed. Yes, I know that doesn't help me sometimes-I don't mind or care if others are imperfect, I'm about me being perfect. It isn't possible, but I can work on finding some balance.
Please try to see some of your strengths and appreciate them. Life is hard enough,Fornever,without you judging yourself so harshly and believing that you deserve to be treated badly. You do not! You are a person and you deserve love and kindness too. Please stop those thoughts when they torment you. Don't you see? They make you feel worse and want to alienate you further.
It's time to start to learn to quiet those thoughts and listen to the truth again. Enjoy your hobby again,forgive yourself and try again,enjoy your strengths,treat yourself with kindness and patience.
It is harder than judging ourselves,but you can start with one kind word at a time for yourself
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Old 04-27-12, 02:31 AM   #17
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Hi Fornever, I'm extremely sorry to hear what you are going through and it's so heartbreaking. I honestly know what it's like to be in your headspace. I'm just glad that you are still here and please keep fighting. You owe yourself that much at least.
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Old 04-27-12, 06:22 AM   #18
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Fornever I was so relieved when I turned my computer on this morning and saw you there! I was very concerned, as was everybody. I'm so glad that your survival instinct kicked in. I know things remain difficult for you - but you have some wonderful advice from the posters above, and from yourself. I would love to hear your guitar playing if it's possible to post an audio clip (or whatever it's called...). That really sounds like it's something you would enjoy.
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Old 04-27-12, 09:31 AM   #19
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I woke up this mourning feeling bad again. I was at school until 10:00pm last night and when I got out I went home, got some money, drove to the gas station and bought a six pack of beer, went home and drank it. I never drink so six beers got me feeling pretty good. Then I just walked around the house acting stupid. I live alone so it bothers no one. I played my guitar a little while, then I crashed on the couch. Instead of ending my life, I just did what I had to do to temporarily numb the pain. Alcohol can do the trick sometimes. But when I woke up, everything set in on me again. Its even worse the next day or the next three days. Sometimes it might take a week to set in. But when it does, it is soooooo painful. I just don't know how to deal with this terrible moment in time. I think it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I just wish it could have happened a different way. I really wanted to serve my country and better myself. I'm tired of sitting idle as a civilian and just taking up space and not being of any value at all. I make no one's life better. I just bother everyone.
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Old 04-27-12, 10:03 AM   #20
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Fornever, I am sorry you are feeling low again. I was just wondering as I was reading your last post volunteering somewhere could help you? I can see you are in school at the moment,but maybe it is something you can do on a part-time basis at least for now.
Now I do not know a lot about the army, but I googled volunteering with the army and this looked interesting, well to me, don't know if it will be relevant...

Benefits of Volunteering | Voluntary Work | Army Cadet Force

Keep talking here,Fornever and keep fighting this. Don't give in. Some days are easier than others and the bad days always pass
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