Well, I sat in my room thinking about what I was going to do. I just wanted to die so bad and I knew that I was too afraid of what might happen to my family or even to me after I had taken my life. I basically broke down crying and sobbing after I had taken a look back on all my life this far and all the mistakes I had made and all the shame I felt to be myself. I still feel like I've been more of a burden then I have been valuable to this world. I still find it hard to see how I have much value. I have made so many mistakes in my past that were so costly not only to me but to many other people. I have made bad impacts on people and have wasted so much time, money, and resources. I really just felt so much self-loathing and shame. You have no idea how much I can't stand who I am. It's impossible to learn how to love yourself when you have as many faults and bad qualities as I have. It gets to the point where you think, "why should people like me even have the right to live or be happy?" I just wanted to kill myself and I wanted to choose a method that would be painful and take hours to kill me. I just wanted to finally suffer for all the things that I had done. I didn't feel like I should have the joys and rights that I was blessed with, so I wanted to take them away from myself. I wanted to punish myself and feel the helplessness and pain and suffering that I should have felt for a the things I had done.

But at the end of the day, I just took a big breath and sighed and layed back down on the couch. I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why. There is every reason to do it. I have all the self-hatred and desire to do it, but I just can't. It's just not going to happen. I guess I'm a failure at that too. I just wish I could bring myself to do it. Like I said. I really can't stand who I am. I'll never like myself. I'll always hate being me. I always wish I had never been born. The world would have seen far less crap if I had been omited. It's true, prairiedawn. I'm the face of detriment.

However, I just can't and won't do it. I don't know why. But I just can't.

How about instead of saying you're a failure at killing yourself, see it as being a success at surviving despite everything you are feeling. That's how I see it. I know it may seem to you that you are only surviving by default. I think you have very mixed feelings? You are very aware of your strengths, and yet you loathe yourself still. I can see a great struggle.

I'm sure you know this, but things that have been done in the past are just that - done, and past. Nothing can change them, and we can only move forward. I think you're counting and weighing the good you have done against the bad, and you feel the bad has won by far. We have memories, so the bad things can't be forgotten. But we can alter the importance we place on them. We can learn from them, and choose to try better next time.

We all have faults and bad qualities. I think the fact that you are angry with yourself for making bad impacts on people, and feel you deserve punishment, shows me that you are very sensitive and don't want to hurt people or impact them negatively. That's an admirable quality! But then it gets blown out of proportion. In life, things happen to most people that we wish we could take back, and we feel very remorseful. So this is about forgiving yourself. We can still remember what we've done and feel terrible about it, but forgive ourselves, not dwell on it, and keep on going. With other people, all we can do is sincerely apologize. We can't make anyone forgive us. We can learn from it and say that next time, I won't do x, I'll try z and hopefully have a better outcome.

I guess you probably know all this Fornever - I don't mean to sound condescending. I see in your post an extreme view of what you do and don't deserve. Do you want to mention any of the mistakes that make you feel like a burden? You don't have to. I'm just trying to understand again. I don't know if I can help you to not hate yourself. I can see how it is tormenting you, and I don't like what it's doing to you. It's preventing you from doing so many great and cool things, for one. But mostly, it's preventing you from what I think you deserve, which is mercy. Forgiveness of something you recognize as bad or wrong. Not saying that those things "weren't so bad after all", but recognizing that yeah, they were. But then having mercy. That's not easy, I know. Maybe I sound ridiculous.

What do you think?

That's why I kind of feel like it's best just to live for the moment. For me, it's the little simple things that make me happy. When it comes right down to it, nothing makes me happier than the simple things. That's why I'm such a laid back kind of person. I want to be all these professional things, but when I think about it, none of them will make me happy. I simply cannot be that formal and professional. Don't get me wrong, at work, I conduct myself in a professional manner, but I'm talking about the large responsibilities, being held to such a high standard. That won't make me happy. Just living for the moment and enjoying the precious simple things is what will make me happy. I think music allows me to do that more than anything I've ever done. It's a form of art that exists within every person. It is the most universal art form. There is no substitute for the feeling of listening to a guitarist or a singer who just blows you away. Thats what I live for. I think its time to just bury those other dreams. Even if you are gifted at a range of things, you just can't do everything.

I guess what I mean by saying that people shouldn't put limitations on themselves is this. Yes, I understand that most people are good at one thing and bad at another. But it seems like our society dictates what it is preferable to be good at. A person may be good at working on cars but bad at playing sports. But society will tell that person that they are less preferable because its better to be good at sports. Many times, instead of being recognized for their strengths, people are put down for not fitting a certain mold like I said earlier. With this arrangement, people will be led to believe that they have no good qualities or talents, when they actually do. They are just led to believe that their talents are less desirable than others and that is wrong.

I just put in a resume to this music store I've been going to all my life. I know all the people there and I know the owners and I'm thinking I'll probably get a job. I'd love to work at a music store. I think I'd fit right in.

Hmmmm... web site is having trouble. Not sure if it's on my end of if the server is getting ready to crash again. I have read your post, and I'll respond when I get home later (I'm at work). I don't want to type a whole big thing and then lose it ...

Living for the moment is a great idea. Keep life simple. Do what makes you happy! And like I said, you will make those things fascinating because you'll put your own unique wonderful twist on it. Sounds like the music store is a good starting point!

Your other dreams are still there. You don't have to attack everything all at once. Some may fall away, but some may remain. You're already a pilot and a musician. Do you still want to get your engineering degree? If you do, you'll always have it, in case you decide to use it. Or it may help you in other areas you pursue.

I know what you mean about society. People can sometimes look up, or look down, on others based on their occupation. Not across the board, but it happens. I really don't see it much though in my personal life. People should think more about how much mechanics and blue collar workers are needed - I know I need them! More appreciation definitely should be there. Personally I don't care anything about athletic ability. But I know colleges do, and lots of people do. All abilities are equally valuable really, because we all fit a different role that way, and all roles are useful and important. That's diversity!

So - I'm still worried about your self-image though. It's still there and it will keep coming up. You said before that you will always hate being you. I don't like knowing that you are going to accept that as the status quo. What do you think about maybe making a list of pros and cons? There are lots of pros in this thread. And the cons, maybe pick one of them and work on addressing your feelings about it? You don't have to do it on here - maybe privately? I don't know - maybe seeing it all written out might make it either seem better, or worse. I wouldn't want it to be worse. So give it a thought.

Fornever, I just read through this whole thread and I just wanted to say that I wish so much that you could see yourself the way that others see you. What I have seen from what you have posted is someone who is intelligent, has a way with words, has goals and aspirations, is talented, interesting, has people who loves them and is strong enough to hang on when life gets hard.

You come across as such an interesting person with so much to offer. Sometimes it just takes a while to find your niche in life. I felt lost at your age too. My dad died when I was 20, The guy I was madly in love with broke my heart, I flunked out of college after one year...I felt completely lost and alone and I felt like a huge failure. It's such a difficult time at that age, trying to figure out what you're supposed to do with the rest of your life. It's overwhelming. But the great thing is that you have this wonderful blank canvas to work with and you can fill it up with whatever you want. Sometimes it feels like there is no way that your life is ever going to change for the better, but it really DOES get better. I'm not the person I was at 21. Everything has changed for me. If I had given up at 21 I would have missed all the adventures and surprises that life has given me over the past several years. Life keeps moving on and you might be surprised at what your future has in store for you.

I'm glad that you were able to acknowledge that your family would suffer if you died. They would suffer because they love you and being loved is a reason to stick around. The people who would miss out on your incredible musical talent would suffer. You have things to teach the world, you have talents to share and that is a huge reason to stick around.

I wish you the best in life. I don't know you but I care about you and I care what happens to you. I hope that if things get bad again and you start thinking about ending it, you'll remember that there really are people who care and I hope that you'll pull out your guitar and write us a song. Hang in there.

Prairiedawn,

I think you are absolutely right about not attacking them all at once. I think some of those things just happen after time and just perseverance. That's a word that should be used more often in today's society. You are also a smart person and you actually care about people. That is absolutely wonderful. YOU are awesome!

I wanted to share some lyrics here since you shared some earlier. These are not as happy as the lyrics you wrote. That's why I'm sharing them (contrast). Its by a band called Iron Maiden. They are a heavy metal band. I like them a lot. More aggressive music is a release to me. Anyway, here they are. This song is called "Purgatory".

Thinkin' of an age old dream
Places I have never seen
Fantasies lived times before
Split my brain, melt throught the floor

Over clouds my mind will fly
Forever now I can't think why
My body tries to leave my soul
Or is it me, I just don't know

Memories risin from the past
The future's shadow overcast
Somethin's clutchin' at my head
Through the darkness I'll be led

Oh another time, another place
Oh another smile on another face
When you see me floatin' up beside you
You get the feeling all my love's
inside of you

Look up this song on youtube. It's really good IMO. They're songs are really good and deep. Most people don't realize it. It might not be your cup of tea but I really like this kind of music. Don't listen to the live version. Listen to the one that says (lyrics in description).

Springrain,

What a beautiful thing to say. It is so great that I have wonderful people to talk to on here. Thank you for your kind words. You are doing a wonderful thing by helping out fellow human. You have made a difference to me and have eased my pain that much more by being so supportive and kind.

Very beautiful, SpringRain! And I couldn't agree more.

Beautiful lyrics, Fornever. I'll have to go on youtube tomorrow to hear it. It's past my bedtime! Heavy metal... I have to really like you to try that LOL! Ok. I'll do it... I might be pleasantly surprised.

Hope you're having a good day Fornever. Haven't gotten to youtube yet - can't open it at work. Looking forward to it later though!

It's very beautiful that you are so appreciative. Thanks - that means a lot. I feel really blessed that I somehow have the ability to be patient and persistent like that. I think it's come with age and experience. It makes me very happy to be able to help in some way.

Well, you also said you work with disabled people. That probably exercises your pateince. Most disabled people can't work as swiftly as the rest of us.

You should broaden your horizon musically. Most people don't give heavy metal a chance. They just say the usual "its nothing but screaming and noise". Nope, far from it. It's actually really good music. Now, I will agree that a lot of the modern death metal bands are like that, but they are not good represenatives of the genre. I don't like the growling and screaming stuff.