I want to kill myself.
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I want to kill myself.

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Old 04-25-12, 11:18 PM   #1
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Default I want to kill myself.

I hate myself. I'm a failure and a loser. I will always have zero value. I am a plague to this planet. I will never learn to love myself. I imagine seeing myself ripped apart by hungry lions and laughing at how pleasing it is to see my piece of shit body torn to shreds. I will kill myself. I'm going to do it soon. I don't believe in Hell, but I wish eternal burning and torture upon my body. I hope that's what happens. If I were someone else, I would hate me as well. My problems are NOT temporary, they are part of me and they will never sieze. My problem is myself. I'm nothing but a piece of garbage. I hope my death is as brutal, bloody, and horrifying as possible. I want to feel every bit of the pain and suffering. I want to experience the life removed from my body and the total suffering taking over. I hate myself and I WILL kill myself.
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Old 04-25-12, 11:41 PM   #2
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I'm sorry you are in so much pain. What has caused you to feel this way? You say you are the problem, can you elaborate more? I really don't think you deserve to die and suffer.
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Old 04-25-12, 11:55 PM   #3
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If you knew me, you would hate me. I'm a loser and a piece of shit. I always fuck things up for everyone. When I say I'm the problem, I mean that I am the source of my problems. Its not bi-polar or ADD or schitzophrenia (or however you spell it), its me. I'm a loser in need of brutal death and suffering. I need to die a very slow and agonizing death, any horrifying and brutal death imaginable would be completely justified for me. I want to burn and suffer for being the loser piece of horse shit that I am.

Last edited by Ella; 04-26-12 at 10:26 AM.
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Old 04-26-12, 12:34 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fornever View Post
If you knew me, you would hate me. I'm a loser and a piece of shit. I always fuck things up for everyone. When I say I'm the problem, I mean that I am the source of my problems. Its not bi-polar or ADD or schitzophrenia (or however you spell it), its me. I'm a loser in need of brutal death and suffering. I need to die a very slow and agonizing death, any horrifying and brutal death imaginable would be completely justified for me. I want to burn and suffer for being the loser piece of horse shit that I am.
the story of my life. i feel this way alot. i hate myself too and i wish stuff like that would happen to me too. its been so bad i have felt like i was presonaly respsonible for existance not being perfect. i know how u feel i honestly do and in a way i feel the same way you do right now. i know how hard it is and i know what ur feeling. i honestly feel like that there is no way to escape it no mater what i do i am a porblem and your right and its so hard not to think about it sometimes dude i really do understand how u feel. and its a horrible feeling :(

Last edited by Ella; 04-26-12 at 10:27 AM.
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Old 04-26-12, 07:26 AM   #5
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Fornever.... I just went back to read the Simplify My Life thread you wrote - you had such a positive outlook of yourself and your future just last week.

"I consider myself a very kind, compassionate, and loving person. I love to treat people kindly and for everyone to feel happy and welcome around me. But the realities of the world are just too harsh for me to handle.
I feel like I'm not college material even though I'm currently attending college. I just don't feel like I'm supposed to be there. But somehow, at the end of the day, I'm okay with that. The people who live simple lives always seem to be happier and worry free. Thats the life I want. I want to be happy and have no worries. I just want to be happy."


Fornever... you never have to measure yourself against other people. You are yourself - you're unique and you have a lot to offer this world. You know who else didn't fit into the 'mold'? Geniuses like Steve Jobs and Einstein... even Jesus. They were so different and quirky, unlike most people around them. People didn't understand them.

Society creates these stereotypes and expects everyone to follow them. That's really a load of crap though. Everyone's individual life is for us to live our own unique way, based on our strengths and interests. And if people don't like it, let them be a boring stereotype. You are much more interesting! You won't allow yourself to be contained and restricted by that. You have a lot to offer Fornever! I think your life could be fascinating.

I hope you'll give the world the chance to see it.

Do you have any support (doctor, medication)? There is always a hotline too. You have other options right now. What do you think?
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Old 04-26-12, 09:04 AM   #6
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Prairiedawn, I'm not unique and valuable. I'm quirky because I'm a stupid piece of shit, not because I'm a genius or someone with value. Not only do I want to die, but I hate myself soooooo much, I want to suffer tramendous and agonizing torture and pain before I die. I don't believe in god, but if he does exist, I'm definitely not a creature of his. God I just hate myself so much. Hate is not a powerful enough word to describe how I feel about myself. I just want to suffer and die.

Last edited by Ella; 04-26-12 at 10:42 AM.
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Old 04-26-12, 10:49 AM   #7
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I tried to commit suicide last year and that is not the first time either. Most of it was brought on by too much stress and suffering from depression. The last time I tried it a friend got to me and pulled me back from the brink. In all this I have found that there is always another way to deal with your demons and that way is not to kill yourself but to deal with what is making you feel this way. That is how I got through and I am glad I did now, and now I want the same for you. Though it does not seem like it now your problems can be worked through and overcome. You have been very brave coming on here and telling how you feel now just keep being brave and tell us more so we can help you more.

Please do not harm yourself in anyway. You do not deserve that kind of an end, no one does, just keep talking to us and let us help you.
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Old 04-26-12, 12:52 PM   #8
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Its too late people. I just got a call from my coast guard recruiter today. He disqualified me from joining. THAT WAS MY WHOLE FUCKING CAREER PLAN DOWN THE GOD DAMN TOILET!

You want to know why I got disqualified? Because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I was disrespecting people on the CG forum. My recruiter caught it and called me to tell me he would never have me serving his country. Do you know how fucking hard I worked to prepare for basic training, or how hard I studied to make my 86 on the ASVAB? Its all down the fucking sinkhole now.

GOD!!!! I'm going to fucking kill myself! I'm doing it! I'm a piece of fucking shit who is nothing but a god damn plaque to this planet! Don't tell me life gets better and that I have value! Its BULLSHIT! I HAVE NO FUCKING VALE! I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!!

I have never posed a benefit by being alive. I'm 21 years old, have never held a job, and have never dated. Rightfully so. Because I'm a sorry piece of SHIT! God damnit I cannot take life anymore.

Last edited by Ella; 04-26-12 at 05:01 PM.
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Old 04-26-12, 01:32 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by PrairieDawn View Post
Do you have any support (doctor, medication)? There is always a hotline too. You have other options right now. What do you think?
Fornever... make use of these options for yourself.

I'm sorry the coast guard isn't happening, but there are other options. Call the hotline number at the top of this page and just see what they have to say.
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Old 04-26-12, 11:45 PM   #10
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I called one of the hotlines. The lady was nice but she couldn't offer any advice, but she listened to me for a while and then I ran out of things to say.

Basically, I still wish I was dead, but I'm not going to deny it, I'm fighting for my life. I want to show the world that I DO have value and am not a waste of life. This demon is putting up quite a fight and I've came so close to losing. The only thing that kept me from killing myself is that my mother is not in good health and if I died she would suffer greatly. My family would suffer so much. They shouldn't but they would, I don't deny that. I just could not put them through that. I honestly think my mom would kill herself if I killed myself. I don't want that for anyone else. I seriously sat for a long time just jumping back and forth between "do it, or don't do it". Lets face it, when it comes down to it, most people just can't do it. There are too many ifs and unknowns about what will happen to you after you've done it. So I stayed alive for the night. But I wish there was a way I could just get it over with. I want to stop living! My day was one from HELL! I basically lost everything I had planned for. It was the icing on the shit cake. I just lost it. I could not bear it anymore. I love my family so much and it would just completely turn their world upside down if I killed myself. I just need help in so many ways. I hate myself as I am now. I want to be a good person without bad thoughts and without the quirks that I have. I want to find where I belong. I'm thinking about going back to music because I used to be a very accomplished guitarist. Actually, I was about as good as it gets if I say so myself. I gave up the dream of music when I realized it was such a risky business. I just don't know what to do.

Last edited by Ella; 04-27-12 at 03:51 AM.
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