I want to go through with it
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I want to go through with it

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Old 08-31-21, 02:35 PM   #1
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Smile I want to go through with it

I put my ex GF (who is still living with me) through so much of my negativity and bad behavior. She still helps sometimes but she get's very frustrated. I have a hard time controlling my emotions and how I feel. My parent's growing up never set boundries with me and just gave me whatever, and never expect much of me. I continue to be supported by them to pursue music. I live selfishly, I put those around me through so much pain. I never developed the confidence and self esteem, I felt very coddled my whole life and I hate it. I always told my parents to please leave me be and let me fend for myself but they never did. I never learned many life skills because of it. My knowledge and confidence purely comes from what little I have earned in the music industry. I always struggled with relashinships and cannot deal with conflict. I did not date much in my life either because I am emotionally immature and don't know how to deal with things. I am transgender as well MtF, I worked as a prostitute and camgirl for a couple years, and have been raped and taken advtanged of because i could not say no or know how to fend for myself. I only became a prostitute because I completely cut off my parents when I was 19-24, and couldn't hold down a job. Pre transtition I was basically a incel, and I still hold some of that resement towards others today. I even feel bad for being a prostitute because I didn't have to do it cause my parents would've helped me but I just couldn't deal with the shame. I am selfish and not empathetic. I don't really care to much about what happens around me and struggle to feel empathetic, I usually just make everything about me, because when I hear about how people had strict parents I feel like they are just showing off just wanting to show how much stronger they are then me. I truly truly hate myself. I have been thinking about suicide my whole life, and I am really truly tired of running from it. I was raised wrong, being trans and confused about my sexuality doesnt help, I am a leech on my parents finnancially, and a emotional leech to those who are close to me. I truly believe I am just a spoiled brat, who cannot deal with the world. I have even looked up online "How to recover from permissive parents" or "how to cope with feeling guiltiy for being spoiled". But there is no sympathy for people like me. I just want to follow through with my suicide but to be honest I am afraid of death, and the short term pain that comes with killing myself. I have a feeling just one day I will do it at random. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But 100% in the next couple years. I know I can't hold on much longer.
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Old 09-03-21, 04:56 AM   #2
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It's really hard to get by in the world nowadays, the economy is really awful. I hope you can let go of some of that guilt as you receive financial support from your parents.

If you give your pursuits your all, it may help alleviate the guilty feelings. I do know how hard motivation is to come by, but as long as you try to get at least one thing done every day you can build a good work ethic, unless you already have one.

It's a shame about how your parents raised you, but there's still plenty of years left in your life to improve yourself. I also have to learn a lot of things on my own, or get my parents to teach me, because when I was growing up they really didn't provide me with the skills I need to be a proper adult. I still live with them. I think this kind of problem is at least fairly common, so perhaps there are others who have gotten their act together and can provide us with the advice we need.

I don't know what you did to your ex, but it sounds like you are very remorseful about it, which is an important step. Make it up to her, in what ways- you have to decide, but making amends will also help you deal with the guilt.

About the prostitution, you were trying to gain some independence and it was a way to make ends meet, so I hope you can forgive yourself for it. And the rape... that's awful and I hope you don't think about it too often or have nightmares.

I can't fully relate to being transgender, but I have always been effeminate for a guy and always felt more comfortable in girly clothing, and that comes with it's own issues. I do hope you are happy with your transition though, and that your hormonal changes haven't caused you problems. And, the mental challenges that gender issues present are not easy to deal with by any means, so be proud that you've gotten this far. If you're still struggling in that regard maybe you could reach out to some transgender support groups.

I'm not going to lie and say your life will get better, but it can get better, as long as you're alive. I hope you can find a little hope somewhere in your life and press on.
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guilt, shame, suicide, transgender

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