want to kill myself but i'll go to hell . I'm supposed to go to college for art and creative writing as well as psychology. I'm not into pyschology but my mom told me to take it in case art and writing didn't work out which seems to be the case now . I was excited but now I just rather be dead than go . I can't even draw or write for more than five minutes before I give up and start hitting myself repeatedly or hitting and throwing other stuff ... And last night I ended up in tears . I tried to draw again today . I started throwing all my sutff and bent my ruler . I'm surprised I didn't hit myself . I felt tears trying to come out but they didn't . I'll never be an artist or make comics or animation like I want to because I give up so easily . It makes me wonder whether or not I should just give up on college and just kill myself or hide away forever like I want to or just suck it up and go , hoping that everything will work out and that I'll get my motivation back . I can't talk to a therapist because of my social anxiety which is probably another reason I don't belong in college . I'm just a failure and me being born was a mistake .I'll always be a failure and a burden . I don't have anything else I want to go to college for . And yes I've done my research about it . Nothing else interests me . Maybe I really am better off dead and rotting in hell like the scum that I am .

Have you ever wondered, why are you the way you are? May be if you try psychology, it will give you some answers...and help you find the ways to cope with your downsides and bring the best in you. You are not a failure for sure. College age is too soon to say that, you are just starting your life

If you could find in your self motivation to find a therapist you can trust it might help you a lot.
I also studied the arts and mostly gave up and secluded my self from everyone for more than 10 years, last year at the age of 30 I felt I have nothing left to lose and I might as well see a therapist, I found one that I trust, and it wasn't easy, I had to change the way I see the world, and still need to make a lot of progress ,but for the first time since I was a kid I can find some motivation to live and I wonder how different my life would have been if I've seen one 10 years ago.
I've had social anxiety and extreme distrust in people for most of my life so I can imagine how hard it might be, but I believe it's worth the risk.

Good luck.

Why do you feel that you deserve it? No one deserves something like that.