I have been dealing with health issues for over two years and for over two years I have felt as if I'd rather die than live every single day. I had about 20 days out of the last two and half years where I was able to feel okay and order pizza and watch a movie, and I didn't even feel that okay. I've seen a friend twice in that time because I feel too bad to leave the house or see people. I've seen a few psychologists and psychiatrists for things in this time frame. I've tried meidicnes and therapy and nothing has worked. I did actually feel better at one point when I took a chemo drug for my health issues and it seems like it worked, but it appears it has not completely worked and I also have another issue that now prevents me from treating my chronic illness that was making me this way to begin with. The new issue also makes me feel the same way. And both conflict treatment for the others.
So mostly the issues have to do with my skin and how I feel about my appearance. Like I have been so severely stressed for so long about my appearnace and not even the phsyical health issues that I actually had a heart attack two months ago from that stress causing all of the sleeping issues, being ongoing, and all of that. I am embarassed to say this, but it's true. I stress out so severely over how I look that I don't have a life. I have severe ocd and bdd and panic disorder and complex ptsd pretaining to all of the stress my skin issues have made me feel about my appearance.
I go a week without being able to sleep from anxiety but I take anxiety medicne and a lot of other medicines to try to sleep. I get so sick and tired I will be in a level 10 pain, but I can't sleep still. If I sleep I get about 15 hours a week of waking up every 20 minutes or more for like 5 hours maybe. I've seen specialists and everything. I love life a lot, but the pain is unbearable. In order to live I need it to go away. It's so bad that I would go to the hospital, but they can't do anything for me anymore than they have before. I go months straight without leaving the house at all. My boyfriend takes care of me thankfully or I would have died a long time ago. My mom isn't healthy to be around. I want to get better for myself and my boyfriend. I actually don't have any friends anymore other than a couple who I talk to like once every 5 months for a couple texts and they aren't interested much. I only have my boyfriend and my granny, but I'm so bad I'm unable to leave to go see her. I practically lived with her my enitre life and it hurts a lot.
My aunt just died from a heart attack at 49 out of nowhere on valentines day and I want to be with my granny to help her but i cant because I am so stressed with my health I don't get sleep and I have a disabling neuro vascular issue that affects my heart too so it is not good and I'm too sick to even move without throwing up. I am sad because I missee christmas, thanksgiving, my anniversary, my birthday parties, others parties, a few trips to disney world, etc because im so sick. And honestly going to the store is like going to disney world because It means I can get out of the house and I feel okay. But I have gone like 4 months without being able to go. Every day I get up again and try really hard. It takes 2 to 3 hours to do medication stuff and I usually fight with panic attacks all day for hours straight like I've had panic attacks last for two days straight. I wake up from nightmares about my health issues and dying. I don't want to die but even if I'm phsyically here I haven't been alive for over two years. I can't watch movies because I'm so sick, I can't play games, I had to stop school (and I made straight As and loved shcool and now I have loans I have to pay actually since I tried and had to stop), I can't shower withour pain, I can't see my family or make friends, I can't do any of the stuff I have lised at hobbies like that was what I used to like before the health issues. And I really try I really do. I will try to watch a movie or play a game but it always ends up with a panic attack because my health is too bad to do it. And then I feel worse realizing I really have no life.
When my aunts funeral happened I was so so thankful I felt decent enough to go to it and I almost didn't make it. Like I feel like it's just sad if you are extremely thankful to feel well enough to go to your loved ones funeral. And also her death has not helped how I feel at all. She had a rough life and tried really hard and now a little 8 year old kid (my cousins kid and my aunts grandkid) is without granparents or parents and has to stay with an aunt or something . And it just made me realize more how life can be just bad and not good for some people. And I miss her. I'm unable to properly grieve because of my health. I miss a lot of doctors appointments because I'm too sick to go (ironic) but I used to go more before I got worse and worse and I still go, but it's just bad. I can't work or go to school. I actually remember a day a long time ago when I thought I might be okay and I just sat there breathing and it was so happy to be able to just sit doing nothing but breathing in peace and not feeling horrible. It felt better than any other feelimg could possibly feel. But it didn't last.
I literally spent christmas alone wanting to die because I was in a lot of pain. That'show every other thing has gone too. And I am very upset because I missed seeing my aunt the last like 8 months because of this and now she died. I would have seen her at holidays and bday parties. My family really isn't understanding of my illnesses though but I try to keep a relationship since I technically don't have a home (like im not supposed to be living at his apartment but id be homeless and dead otherwise) and it would cause so much stress. But my mom makes it very hard because she worsens my health conditions severely every week by contacting me and demanding I see her. I have complex ptsd from her being abusive mentally and phsyically. But then sometimes she acts nice so it makes me confused.
Sorry this is long maybe too long. Basically the main issue is my skin and how i feel about my appearance. It doesn't even matter what others say. It's what I see. sorry if anything is confusing. I am on no sleep for a few days and my vision is kind of out and I have a migraine and stuff. I don't think anyone can help me if doctors haven't been able to I guess. But I'm desperate for something to help me so it's worth a shot. I don't want my granny or boyfriend to be in pain from me either dying or continuing to be this sick. Doctors have failed in trying and I've seen a lot and tried a lot of medicines. I know so many people who think about suicide off and on, but for me it's not even suicide as much as it is dying. I'm already dead (and i dont mean the feeling numb thing. I mean that Im unable to do anything but lay in bed and try to survive 24/7) but I'm in extreme pain 24/7 the last two and a half years. so death is a constant thought. I feel like I've been fighting for my life for two and a half years and now there isn't a thing to help me despite all the stuff I tried.