I need death to set me free
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I need death to set me free

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Old 02-07-13, 05:18 AM   #1
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Default I need death to set me free

Hi there. Yes, I am 17, almost 18. A boy. Don't judge me for it, there people with bigger problems than me, yes, but that doesn't mean I do not know the meaning of misery.

Where do I start? Oh yeah. I've been thinking about suicide for months since my life became what it is now... if you could even call it life. I wouldn't. First, I apologize to all those who ever suffered this hard. I know I am not the first, nor the last to feel this way, but I thought of those who were thinking about ending their life to be weak willed. Now, suicide has become my only option.

I don't like writing walls of text, because I know people don't like reading walls of text. It will, however, mean a lot to me if you read this, dear viewer. This is the only place I feel comfortable saying all this, not because nobody in my life would bother to listen, it's that I wouldn't like to burden them. After all, nobody can help me now. Things that made my life what it is are beyond my control.

I don't cut myself, nor do I wear black, I'm no emo. If you ever met me, I can't tell if you could tell that something is wrong about me or my life, but you wouldn't think I am suicidal. I live healthy, work out, do not drink nor smoke and I care about what I eat.

I have talked to people, the friends I have left, about things that bother me... everyone says "It'll get better." I don't believe them. I cannot. I simply have no reason why I would anymore.

You know what's worse than having a shitty life? Having a shitty life for a long time, but then... it gets better just enough to make you think it's not all bad. Then everything tanks again. When your life becomes even worse than before and the only things you have left are memories of what's lost... remembering the good times when you're miserable makes your pain grow stronger. And I just don't see the end to all that pain anymore.

Here's my story:

I was born in Croatia in 1995. Just as the war of ex-Yugoslavian states ended. My mother and father were both 23 and had to quit college to raise me. Croatia, especially the part I live in, is one of the most depressing places to live in. So cramped, yet everyone can feel alone. So poor and decaying now more than ever, even as the war ended more than 15 years ago. I live in a town that is the violent crime and unemployment capital of Croatia.

Since the age of 3, I was into drawing, I could draw pretty good even back then. Of course, while I was sitting in my room doodling, other kids were outside, playing and hanging out. To this day I neglected my drawing "talent" (at least that's what others would call it). I learned how to read at the age of 4, how to write, add and subtract at the age of 5. I learned how to multiply at the age of 6. Then, school came, and with 4 years of repetitive bullshit that is learning how to count and how to read, my math talent stop evolving and my desire to learn had died. Even then, I was an introvert. I couldn't bond with people and I was socially... an outsider.

In short, my life was lonely and always felt like something was missing. My only joy was video games. The friends I had, seemed to want to be my friends just because they had nobody else to turn to. That kind of "friends" made me feel even lonelier than being alone.

In high school, things got a little better for a while. My new class was less filled with egoistic, primitive idiots. I was always a silent guy. I couldn't ever get attention because of people like that. I hated their guts.

Now, I started making friends, some great people. True friends who never betrayed me. Then... I met my first girlfriend. I was always fit, but I'm not an attractive guy, however, I've never been in love before that either. She kind of approached me, not the other way around, which was... strange, as she was beautiful. We were in the same class. As time passed, we fell in love. She proved to be exactly the kind of person I always wished for in my life. We were everything to each other. The first person I'd say (text, as she lived far away) "Good morning" to, and the last one I said "Good night" to. She would motivate and inspire me to believe in the future and work to make it better. My grades were excellent then and I stopped playing video games. I didn't need them anymore. Everything seemed so perfect. Perfect friends, great grades and a person in my life who made everything else seem easy and less important. It gave me strength.

However, this story has no happy ending. I should have known it. I should have realized back then it was too good to be true.

Towards the end of 2011, after a year of dating, my girlfriend became hysterically jealous of everything. She forbid me to hang out with my friends, constantly checked on what I was doing and was pissed if I talked to anyone else. This is not "the my side of the story", this is what others would notice and told me about. That made me slowly lose that loving feeling I had for her and was ruining our relationship. At the beginning of 2012 I couldn't take it anymore. I told her I needed some time and that I would be back. All the time she was begging me not to leave her, even though I told her it was not forever. I felt truly horrible about it, as if I killed her. In April, our class was to go on a trip to Prague. There, my life turned to what it is now. Never have so many bad things happened to me in so little time. I was ready to return to her, but suddenly, as she noticed that, she decided she likes my best friend more. Naturally, he was my best friend so he would never do that to me, but the shame I felt because of that destroyed our friendship. I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore. I realized then that my friends are either going to fail class or move away. What was a great time for everybody else ended in tears for me. That was not the end of my life, but I could see it from there.

I was trying to reconcile with my ex for months, only to have her terrorize and mock me. She wanted vengeance, even though I couldn't see what for. When I tried to break contact, she would trick me not to do it and each time that happened, I fell deeper into the hole that is the horror of my life. After her, I've never met anyone else who I could love or could love me. When school ended that year, I died. My best friends were no longer with me. My girlfriend abandoned me and disgraced me. My grades were horrible. I was lifeless, broken and it began to affect me. I was not even the half the person I was before, so I began losing friends.

Then, another horror hit me. My face started to get a huge red rash all around. My face is now red, rough and greasy. The doctors said it is not treatable. I lost it then. You could say I decided that my life has to come to an end, but suicide is not a decision. It occurs when one's pain has grown greater than one's ability to cope with it.

I do not want to live anymore. I can't bear the pain. Bear the pain when I remember the good, now long gone moments of my life. Bear the pain of trying to remember what love feels life. Bear the pain of thinking about my old friends. Bear the pain of looking in the mirror, seeing what I look like, knowing who I am, what have I become and seeing that I am going to be the exact copy of my unsociable, irresponsible father who I resent so much. I hate myself, I hate who I am, who have I become, I hate God (if He is out there) for making me the way I am. I cannot believe He exists, because then He has a lot to atone for. To atone for what has happened to me and to every person who ever felt the way I do. To see myself lose all motivation to do something good about my life and to see myself become a wreck who does nothing but play games (that I cannot even enjoy anymore) hurts. And to think of my mother who hopes to fund my college for me to become a physician... I cannot do it. I cannot suck the money out of my family anymore like I parasite I've been for nearly 18 years. I do not want to know what the future holds for me. I feel so much guilt and burden. I feel so much guilt about not doing things right, not trying hard and not trying smart enough to save all the things I care about. I have nightmares every night reminiscing about all the things that happened to me. Each time I can do nothing about stopping them. The damage to my life is beyond repair. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling emptiness beyond the point of agony and wondering if people liked me and if it will ever get better. I don't have the strength for that anymore. I fear I am a horrible person who will do world a favor by dying.

Why am I not dead yet? I cannot do it now. It is important for my brother to have good grades when this school year ends so he can go to a good high school like me. If I did it before that... I doubt he could both cope with that and keep getting good grades. I cannot do it to my classmates, my family and friends either... I'll wait for the school year to end. I love them too much to do that while we all have to bear with other burdens. But when the time comes. I'll be ready. All I can see is absolute horror and darkness without end. I don't feel alive, I just feel the misery. Every moment of my life nowadays is a nightmare. I don't fear death. For it won't be the end to my life... my life ended long time ago... Don't feel sorry for me when I die, feel sorry for me having to wait for my death.

I thank everyone who reads this... it means a lot to me I can share this with somebody. If there is something good in your life, cling to it.
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Old 02-07-13, 06:26 AM   #2
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Read it all man, good times--good times.

I know the feeling of losing everything--everyone, the betrayal that stings so deeply. I'm 21, male, and have had too much experience with relationships.

I can relate to you on many levels, the hopelessness, despair, the wanton feeling of self-destruction. That was the lowest point of my life. However, I got through it, and I can look back on it now with a certain peace of mind I once thought to be unattainable.

I'm not one for people, not very sociable at all. I stumbled across these forums out of boredom. I wanted to see how much worse off some people were than I was to make myself feel better, I won't lie. However, I'm finding it to be just the opposite. These stories are all too familiar to me, but what gets me the most is the utter abandonment of hope. I want to help, so I won't tell you, "everything will get better *hugs* *kisses*", or "I care about you so much and I believe in you, just stay strong!".

Instead, I'll be real with you. I've never met you before or had any prior communication, I'm a random guy on the internet, and this random guy is feeling especially in tune with his humanity this morning.

The whole situation with your ex-girlfriend fucking with your head and your overall loss of friends, that shit hurts. That shit hurts really bad. We humans may be social creatures and need that little bit of interaction just to push us through the day, but don't let what you've lost dictate who you become.

One trend I'm seeing is that everyone is fearful of the future or stuck in the past. You need to live in the moment, in the "now". I find myself repeating this all too often, but it is so critical, once you grasp the concept it is an overwhelming epiphany that you never want to let go of. If you can master the concept of just being alive, you will have mastered life.

Now sure, I won't preach that I'm an omnipotent sage-like presence gracing you with my wondrous insights, but it worked for me man, and I know it can work for you as well. Death is not the answer, it is the question. Life is something worth living for, there doesn't need to be a meaning, there doesn't need to be what is considered by societies standards "success", there only needs to be you alive--living, experiencing the "moment". it doesn't matter how many friends you have, your finances, your education, your productivity, your hobbies, how often you waste your time vs. how often you don't. It all doesn't mean shit. Human happiness is what matters.

I'll let what I've typed here either sink in, roll off, or fester with you, but I'll be here man, keep me informed if you feel so inclined to do so. Just know that your story has touched someone of a similar experience. Someone who is now doing well.
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Old 02-07-13, 10:44 AM   #3
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Hey there, i'm a girl and i am 23 years old. Read all your story, it really made me sad, but i couldn't find a feeling in there...the hope, where is it? I know that everything went down since your ex but don't give up. Only because she was an idiotic girl and you where hit by the diagnosis of untreatable affection doesn't mean you should lose it.
Your ex did what i heard many of my school friends complain, tried to control your life inch by inch...and of course when u tried to reconcile the only thing she would do was revenge (probably she was a proud girl, you hurt her feelings). That's so stupid, excuse my vocabulary. A lot of girls have that mentality, sadly. And to deepen your sadness she turned to your best friend. What a cruel soul she has.
But think about this, your life is not over, you are almost 18, young. The fact that you lost your friends is not very bad. The person that leaves you when you are in pain shouldn't be called friend. Happened also to me. I was diagnosed with an illness that right now cannot be cured. I keep going because i know that i have a family there, that loves me and will love me even if i'm in wheelchair or other stuff. Life is not easy you know, you must fight for what you most desire. Never give up...the nights i fell asleep crying, the pain i felt when my bad days wouldn't end...i was trying to make myself stronger, keep going on, because i was born to live until my natural death, not the one caused by me. Until i die i try to cherish all the days, i am careful to what i eat, drink, and other stuff. I hang on to my dreams, i want to visit other countries, other cultures, see things with my own eyes and not at TV. I am kinda loner, i'm not much the talkative type. I often put my phone silent just because i don't wanna talk to anyone, how stupid, no? You said you got a brother, you really wanna leave him all alone? Isn't that kinda egoistical of you? I mean, he is your brother, same blood like you. He loves you, why do you want to hurt the person that cares about you? You are not alone, and never be, from my point of view. As long as there is family there is still hope. Don't throw that away. And never imagine that if you kill yourself after your bro is in a good school won't affect him. It will for sure, doesn't matter when, just the final conclusion matters, your death. The mental shock will be enormous. Haven't you never seen movies about traumatized people? The death of someone you care is by definition a huge trauma, it affects everything.
I will not tell you not to do it, i thought myself to do it, in my moments of weakness, but this is not the solution. Why hurt my family so bad? Just because i am weak? No! I will keep hanging on, until the last breath leaves my body. And never lose the hope, that everything will be better. That gives me the dose of courage to deal with everything, hope.

Last edited by Mihaela; 02-07-13 at 10:46 AM.
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Old 02-08-13, 02:36 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inutile View Post
Read it all man, good times--good times.

I know the feeling of losing everything--everyone, the betrayal that stings so deeply. I'm 21, male, and have had too much experience with relationships.

I can relate to you on many levels, the hopelessness, despair, the wanton feeling of self-destruction. That was the lowest point of my life. However, I got through it, and I can look back on it now with a certain peace of mind I once thought to be unattainable.

I'm not one for people, not very sociable at all. I stumbled across these forums out of boredom. I wanted to see how much worse off some people were than I was to make myself feel better, I won't lie. However, I'm finding it to be just the opposite. These stories are all too familiar to me, but what gets me the most is the utter abandonment of hope. I want to help, so I won't tell you, "everything will get better *hugs* *kisses*", or "I care about you so much and I believe in you, just stay strong!".

Instead, I'll be real with you. I've never met you before or had any prior communication, I'm a random guy on the internet, and this random guy is feeling especially in tune with his humanity this morning.

The whole situation with your ex-girlfriend fucking with your head and your overall loss of friends, that shit hurts. That shit hurts really bad. We humans may be social creatures and need that little bit of interaction just to push us through the day, but don't let what you've lost dictate who you become.

One trend I'm seeing is that everyone is fearful of the future or stuck in the past. You need to live in the moment, in the "now". I find myself repeating this all too often, but it is so critical, once you grasp the concept it is an overwhelming epiphany that you never want to let go of. If you can master the concept of just being alive, you will have mastered life.

Now sure, I won't preach that I'm an omnipotent sage-like presence gracing you with my wondrous insights, but it worked for me man, and I know it can work for you as well. Death is not the answer, it is the question. Life is something worth living for, there doesn't need to be a meaning, there doesn't need to be what is considered by societies standards "success", there only needs to be you alive--living, experiencing the "moment". it doesn't matter how many friends you have, your finances, your education, your productivity, your hobbies, how often you waste your time vs. how often you don't. It all doesn't mean shit. Human happiness is what matters.

I'll let what I've typed here either sink in, roll off, or fester with you, but I'll be here man, keep me informed if you feel so inclined to do so. Just know that your story has touched someone of a similar experience. Someone who is now doing well.
Thanks... it is actually a relief when somebody understands how you feel, really. It might get better than this, you're right, but the only thing that could be worse if people in my life started dying... I don't really see how else could it get worse.

I feel like a piece of shit. For a while, during that "golden age" of my life... I was still an introvert, but I was more cheerful, happier, felt stronger, smarter... now I feel like a wreck who does nothing and can't handle bad things in life. I feel as if lived 17 years of my life "wrong", as if I never learned how to live.

I do not feel only misery, I feel guilt. I feel guilty for not helping my friends avoid failing class. I feel guilty for being a leech in my family... 17 years have I lived with them, they have high hopes about me and I am bound to disappoint them because I don't have the strength to do anything in my life.

Those seemingly petty things like work, success, hobbies... they matter to me, I feel good about myself when I have a fair amount of them in my life. I feel that they define who I am to other people... but I just don't have the strength to do it anymore. I'm afraid of myself becoming one of those people who do nothing but sit at the bar all day and complain about the hard times.

I just can't handle it anymore... my life feels like it's been nothing but getting worse for a year now. There's been nothing good about my life, not a single small thing as a sign that this horror somehow ends besides me shutting off. I don't even remember what happiness feels like, as cheesy and melodramatic as that sounds. You have to understand that feeds the stubbornness of my pain.

I tried to fight, I really did... but it did no good.

And really, thanks for reading. It means a lot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mihaela View Post
Hey there, i'm a girl and i am 23 years old. Read all your story, it really made me sad, but i couldn't find a feeling in there...the hope, where is it? I know that everything went down since your ex but don't give up. Only because she was an idiotic girl and you where hit by the diagnosis of untreatable affection doesn't mean you should lose it.
Your ex did what i heard many of my school friends complain, tried to control your life inch by inch...and of course when u tried to reconcile the only thing she would do was revenge (probably she was a proud girl, you hurt her feelings). That's so stupid, excuse my vocabulary. A lot of girls have that mentality, sadly. And to deepen your sadness she turned to your best friend. What a cruel soul she has.

I had to cut this out due to the character limit, sorry.

I will not tell you not to do it, i thought myself to do it, in my moments of weakness, but this is not the solution. Why hurt my family so bad? Just because i am weak? No! I will keep hanging on, until the last breath leaves my body. And never lose the hope, that everything will be better. That gives me the dose of courage to deal with everything, hope.
Thank you for reading, Mihaela.

I know my life isn't over, but I do not see how can it get better than this and if this is life, I do not care for it.

On one hand, there are some people who love me, but I still feel as if I'm alone. I can't talk to my dysfunctional family about how I feel because I keep to myself most of the times... they are quite immature and would panic. I cannot talk to my friends because I would be "that guy who wants to kill himself over a breakup", even if it's not just the breakup.

I know those are not nice reasons, but I just can't talk to anybody.

I know my family will get shocked, but I think that is less pain than seeing your son accomplishing absolutely nothing in life.

As for my brother, you're right... I've thought about that stuff really hard. But I don't want to be a role model for him... if anything, I want to show him that my life is what you want to avoid. I don't want to hurt in any way, but I think I would ruin his life too if I killed myself now. At least when he gets in a good school, he will just have to cope with it (as opposed to having to deal both with school and my death.)

I thought about all the people who would be hurt and that is the only thing that has kept me from taking my life already. I just feel so hurt every day and I feel so much pain, misery, emptiness, darkness that I think that they would have to deal with less pain if I died than I have to now.

I see my death to be a point of relief for everyone, though... my family has been worried about me. I thought about suicide a long time ago, but I've never felt as it's my only option to avoid a lifetime of misery and envy of happy people up until this point.

I lost all hope. I tried fight hard, with a strong work routine, hanging out with friends... but nothing worked. It always comes down to that trip to Prague when my life was turned upside down.

Dammit, since then I cry sometimes, I have become seclusive, I dream things that awake me soaking wet of sweat every night... I just can't cope with that how bad my life has become.

I know other people who have fallen to hard times, but got back up. They had a beacon of hope, no matter how small... I just don't have one. There is not a single good thing about my life.

It's nice if you can cherish the days you have... it's just that each one of my days is filled with so much pain I can't see anything else. And the pain has not waned. It actually kills me even more to see that time didn't mend the wounds I have. I have been trying to take it for so long... I don't know how much longer can I bear with all this.

I tried desperately to try to find a reason to live and I have failed. I don't know what to do anymore.
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Old 02-10-13, 05:37 PM   #5
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Raziel, you are a good guy, really. It sadness me that you think that death is your only escape...life isn't pink, i know. My parents also have high expectation from me, and i keep bringing them down...because i fail in college a lot lately, and that doesn't bring only my parents down, also me. Wasn't like this at all, but time changed me, made me want to have fun and forget about everything in this world...but i know this won't work forever. Try to cope with everything, you are not the only one who fights this hard. The pain is too great, you feel that there isn't enough stamina in you to face life day by day, but don't despair, humans are amazing.
Talking to your parents will make them very sad, and go into panic mode, maybe they will make you go to a therapist (but at some point you must have this talk with them). Friends won't understand it very well...the only thing you can do is to try and face your life like a strong man.
You seek the sweet relief of not feeling pain but remember that relief is also a feeling and you will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead. Right now your coping resources are very low, and the pain is great, but try day by day to add more coping resources. I am sure your brother will be happy to have you by his side when he grows up. You are someone he can lean on.
When you think of death i am sure you are scared a little, it's natural, but you will be able to win this fight. Make at least a friend that can understand you, doesn't matter if the friend is close to you or on the internet. Talking will help you. Sharing you pain will make you stronger and you will see the little light of love and hope at the end of your dark tunnel.
I wish you could see how many good people are in this world...don't lose yourself and the battle with life.
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Old 02-10-13, 06:01 PM   #6
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You have no guilt to feel Raziel, you cannot accomplish something at this age, you are still 17. I mean, you can try to do your best at school, and don't let those little things get you down, they are rubbish. The trip was a big disappointment to you...but that is past now, doesn't matter anymore. Look onto the present, stop looking in the past! Today you are with us, you shared your story on this forum and i thank you deeply. Fear is another feeling, i have it too...i am afraid of death. I sense death like a cold darkness, it frightens me a lot. I am scared of it, not being able to wake up in the morning and see my parents. I don't wanna give up to it. It terrifies me.....and dying without having a job and a family build with my arms is useless to me. I like to work, do my best in everything, at least how i can.
You still have some friends there, people you can hang out with, maybe see a movie, have some fun, and make room for new ones, keep living Raziel, this is life.
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