I lost everything.
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I lost everything.

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Old 09-10-18, 08:30 AM   #1
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This year has been the worst for me by far. I've finally realized that all members of the family that I was born into were psychologically and mentally abusing me all these years. My mom has been grooming me for abuse and failure all my life and my dad never loved me, thats why he abandoned me.
I went to visit them for a month and it has been the worst month this year. It's excruciating pain to see your family members smirk and smile and get happy when they see you fail or in pain.

I have zero support system at this time.

I've lost most of the people that I had around, because they were abusers too. Relationships were painful, always one way, but I am not sure if loneliness is more painful than giving in to the abuse.

I lost my 6 years savings by making wrong investments and got into debt.

I am not sure if I can still go back to my old job, they had some changes.

My health has declined. Few days ago I had to call an ambulance.

I always thought, that the last resort before considering suicide would be going back to my ex. Few days ago he said he doesn't want to be in contact anymore. The reason was because I got into this hobby. I was doing it on my own at first, then I connected with others into it. In that community I "met" a guy. He said he would help and share his knowledge with me. We chatted, talked on the phone...He turned out to be a psychopath, who has been to jail for a murder.

I decided to stop the contact. But he called and texted numerous times from different numbers. I asked my ex to call him and politely to stop harassing me.
Now he is harassing me and my ex. He calls, just breathing in the phone. He stalks my social media, sends me messages with links, I think trying to hack my phone. He told everybody in that community that he gave me money and now I owe him and no one wants to talk to me there anymore.

I feel like the walls are crushing around. I don't really know what else I have left before considering leaving for good. This is just too much. And I am all alone. I can't get through this.

I'll try to get therapist before I do anything. But I have low hopes it will help.
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The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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Old 09-10-18, 09:48 AM   #2
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in search...that's a lot to read in the negative sense really...i cannot understand that parents should get their kids into a state like you describe here..if someone tells over and over again that we are failures in life then i can imagine the mental damage it can create... I reckon your parents were in an abusive situation themselves...they often project their own problems onto others..how come that people abuse each other so often in this world?loneliness can be painful,but abuse is in my eyes far worse because it creates low self esteem and anxiety,anger..you say you had to call an ambulance??oh no..i see you have been subject of manipulation,even stalking?it's a good thing you can say your stuff here...we listen and we think leaving for good is no option at all..you must gather the mental strenght to carry on...there is always hope for a better life,in search..although the odds are maybe against you==NEVER give up...fight back=we all are here to listen and give support...keep us updated about your situation...get some heavy weight of your mind...we are listening..you're one of us here on TTL
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Last edited by tigerlover; 09-10-18 at 09:52 AM.
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Old 09-10-18, 09:12 PM   #3
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I'm sorry ISOP. Sounds like you're going through some tough challenges right now.

At least you have finally realized that you're the victim of child of abuse. It definitely sounds like abuse to me. Maybe now you can establish healthy boundaries. Just because you share DNA doesn't make them your family. A real family is caring and supportive.

You have plenty of time to create a tribe if that's what you want. You're so young. But keep in mind, within every community there is a bad egg.

Ultimately, I think looking for happiness in other people is mostly futile. People can't *make* you happy. You have to make yourself happy.

I find a good way to keep happy is to keep busy doing meaningful things like helping those who deserve it and doing things you like, while still handling your responsibilities and going no contact on the murderer guy, which, incidentally, is another way to keep busy. An idle mind is the devil's workshop. Keep busy. Distract.
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Old 09-13-18, 06:44 PM   #4
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I just wrote a huge reply .. so I thought and it was a message and I was told I don’t have permissions .. this is new ... I am 💯 alone and have a bad family too ! I have no one.. all bdays alone all holidays alone ... I know how this feels ... I’ll write it again later .. I just spent 20 mins writing and i couldn’t copy it or anything ... I’m sorry 😐.. we have to be strong inside... I’ve been in abuse for 50 years and I’m still somehow here and alone ... and we are on this site so I think we want help? It’s so hard .. and it’s hard to “keep busy” with no money .. it’s hard to make friends ... it takes a long time ... I get the same advice ... keep busy make new friends ... I can’t ... no one “gets me”
Hugs 🤗 I know we have to somehow be strong already to have endured what we have ... I keep telling myelf that ... please stay around ... I’m very new and my email with your post came up and it hit me 100% I understand except my parents passed ... my whole family left me ... they don’t care they want me to feel horrible and they get that same sick satisfaction.... I thought no one ever could be like I am and have such a bad family and zero support system ... well we’re out here ... I don’t have words of wisdom .... I just know your pain and I can say that with honesty ... and myself I’m truly sick of it .. 5 years I’ve been a recluse now ... anyway .. hugs 🤗 try and stay with us please !
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Old 09-14-18, 05:19 AM   #5
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@wednesday..i am not sure but on TTL the rules are that you cannot send a personal message or receive one if you did not complete 100 posting in here...regarding your posting=*I’ve been in abuse for 50 years and I’m still somehow here and alone* ...I am surprised to read this..on this site help is a key word so never hesitate telling what's upon your liver..hard to make friends,you say?==we are all friends here..so do not worry at all==you're not alone..family matters can be complex and not easy to understand by outsiders..but if parents don't care a shit about their offspring then in my eyes they do not deserve the name parents at all..speaking for myself..my Mom died at childbirth from my kid brother when i was only 2 years old...all i got is a picture of her on my mantelpiece..my Dad was an alcoholic big parts of his life,but he NEVER uttered a wrong or agressive word towards me...in my case never an abuse situation so to speak..for which i am thankful..being a recluse or living in solitude is a good thing if we are strong enough to be loners in life..carry on,wednesday...and the same goes to the OP of this thread..
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Last edited by tigerlover; 09-14-18 at 05:21 AM.
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Old 09-27-18, 08:22 PM   #6
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This is to "In Search of People" & to "Wednesday925". To both of you, I'm really sorry for what you are having to endure. It sucks! When I read about the torment that people had to go through as children, it just rips my heart out. I want to cry for you both! I have no big words of wisdom here, I would like to say that what TigerLover and Sensual Girl wrote is really good, so hold their words tightly to your chest and don't forget! Another thing, I want to talk about being alone. I have been ALL alone for nearly 25 years. I'm used to it. I don't like it BUT, I realized a long time ago that when I am alone, I can make myself smile or not feel so bad. I get to do whatever I want to without any harassment from someone else. I don't have to stop whatever and wait on some other lazy ass. I can run around in my underwear and dance my heart out to my favorite music! I don't get any grief from anyone else, and that is worth my weight in gold! When you get feeling lonely, stop and remember what you could have to be putting up with if you had those people back in your life. You can be your own best friend. And as to not being able to do anything when you're broke, I can also relate. I have no money to do anything. So I go on websites like this where I can talk to other people. Maybe I can help someone, maybe not. Over the years I have come to realize there are many things I like to do that are things for only one person to do. I've called myself a recluse for so many years, everyone knows it's true. (Neighbors....) But now I say that I am not a 'team player', I'm only good on solo things. Being alone is far superior than the alternative. And don't forget too, you can be in a crowd of people and still feel very alone.
You spoke of happiness, that's a tough thing to shoot for to me. I gave up on trying to attain that long ago. Now I shoot for being content. And that is acceptable and doable. Try for being content. It's great. It's not perfect, it's not the ultimate happiness, but it's good enough. When you can say that you are content, then things begin to open up for you. Other people won't want to run away from you because you are alone by choice and you are content! I guarantee you won't find many people who can honestly say that they are happy. Sadly. You can help your own mental health and physical health just by realizing that being alone and being content are not such bad things to be. In fact, they are pretty damn good! And as to the sicko stalker, (ISOP) go visit your local police station and report him. They may say there is nothing they can do, but you can let your stalker know that the police are on to him. You don't need to say another word to him. When you get an email, don't read it! Just delete it. When you find a message on your answering machine, delete it. Don't answer your phone, let your machine get all your calls. But if you do end up getting one, hang up as soon as you realize. NEVER EVER communicate with this guy at all, not one word. When he shreds you on social media, do not respond to it, at all. Never Ever. Trust me, he will get tired of himself when he doesn't get a rise out of you. For him, upsetting you and rocking your boat are what makes his day. So don't give him the pleasure. I'm sure you'll have to continue to put up with him for awhile longer, but please don't say a word to him! And remember this, people forget. People always forget, that is a fact. Everyone is typically so focused on themselves, they like to learn gossip but ultimately, their head is focused on "what's in this for me?" So they forget. Don't ever acknowledge what the asshole has said. If someone even asks you about it, just wave your hand at them and shake your head. Remind them that you can't waste your time talking or thinking about that loser. Both of you two people have tomorrow to look forward to, and you have yourselves. That is all you need. Sleep enough, eat right, spend some time outside every day doing whatever, and remember that your company is good enough for you and you can be content. And when you really get down and out, come in here. There are some really good people in here that try hard to help others out. Because they understand how you feel. Both of you can make it. I do believe that!

Last edited by Banshee; 09-27-18 at 08:24 PM. Reason: Forgot
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