i just really want to disappear from the face of the earth
Take This Life  

Go Back   Take This Life > Challenges > Suicide Forums > Suicide


i just really want to disappear from the face of the earth

This is a discussion on i just really want to disappear from the face of the earth within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; Bear with me as this can be long I am a Portuguese living in Madrid, Spain right now. Moved here ...

join us
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 03-06-18, 04:39 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 2
My Mood:
Default i just really want to disappear from the face of the earth

Bear with me as this can be long

I am a Portuguese living in Madrid, Spain right now.
Moved here 1y ago, hoping for a new opportunity and it turned out to be the worst decision of my life. I hate it here, and can't go back because i'm making pretty good money.
Got no friends aside from ONE really cool guy I met by chance a year ago but we don't see each other much for this or that reason. Although I had some hits on Tinder, it's been downhill ever since. And this is a city where everybody says it's easier to get laid than make friends, from both sides.

I am vegan and here it's all about socializing and sharing ham and other shitty disgusting dishes. You mention you don't eat animal products, automatic shunning. Bear in mind I have never imposed my views on anyone nor will I pester people with criticism about the issues.

I was sober for 16 years until I got here. Found no other way to socialize or try to get it on with the ladies if not by drinking. Same practical results and it's probably the thing that eats me the most, having went back to booze. I never liked beer, i totally hate wine - another forbidden comment while talking up a lady, I've learned.

I work at a toxic environment where I'm unwanted and unappreciated simply because of petty grievances deriving from my nationality. My coworkers even complained to my manager they didn't like me speaking in Portuguese - to myself - because they couldn't tell if i was insulting them. I speak perfect Spanish, btw.

Went to see a therapist and first impression was "maybe you need to change jobs". Well, no shit! i've been at the same company for almost 12 years and stuck here like cancer because - yup, money. Been trying to change jobs since forever and no dice, in order to make a living and help my mom. She is a cancer survivor and has to work while battling chronic spine issues for which she has a 60% medical disability; can't go into earlier retirement because - yup, money.

I'm 37 years old, I am quite attractive though short (5'7") - a big handicap here, average girls are 5'9" and over - got an MBA, speak 5 languages , great cook, a REAL animal lover, handyman, clean and neat, resourceful. All I hear is how I am "sweet , a great guy/the best catch, their loss" etc etc. A girl here actually told me to be an asshole if all i want to to have sex. I can't even do that...

I had planned to have bailed this country and job last month but alas I felt shitty about disappointing the boss that moved the earth to get me here when nobody else wanted - spanish arrogance at their best - so I stayed. Tried to endure, moved into a new apartment, sharing with a vegan girl, thought it'd be a fresh new start. It has gotten wose.

I have considered ending it all for quite some time now. I have already set up a funeral insurance so my parents won't have to worry about it, I have 30k in savings for them as well.
Was thinking of travelling the world, but then i'll return broke, at least they'll have smth to help out. I've just held back because I have no idea what to do with my cats, and leaving them with my parents is not an option because reasons.

Last edited by tsin1980; 03-06-18 at 04:41 AM.
tsin1980 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-18, 10:41 AM   #2
TTL Bronze Member
 
SensualGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 6,607
My Mood:
Default

Sorry to hear you're going through so much. I have worked in toxic jobs in the past and lived in toxic areas.

Would you rather die or feel bad for your boss? You have to do what's best for yourself.

Would you rather die or go broke after having had a great experience of travel?

Does it really make sense?
__________________
High hopes faint on a warm hearth stone; she travels the fastest who travels alone.
SensualGirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-18, 11:01 AM   #3
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 34
Default

I share your pain in regards to eating vegan and not wanting to drink. After poisoning myself with toxic foods and beverages for most of my life, I took a Natural Health Course and it was the best money I ever spent. I discovered that all these foods and beverages are toxic and deteriorated my health. The more I improved my diet(vegan) the better my health got. So I tried to educate and explain to my friends and family about the benefits and why I refuse these foods and beverages and they simply cant get it. They are completely sold on the social norms of this country and cant accept the truth. There are many other deceptions in society Im disgusted about but Im digressing here. I realized that most people wont agree with the way I live so I simply dont have any friends. I live most of my life in solitude and it turns out I like it a lot more than being frustrated with people.

As far as your work situation, someone once told me that you're not supposed to like your job and thats why its called a "job." This makes sense to me but I have had a job that I liked before and it gave me a better quality of life. Ive also experienced leaving a job and getting a job thats even worse than before. So I cant really offer any sound advice on this. We'll just have to agree that its risky to leave a job.

I know the feeling of wanting to give up. Life is hard sometimes and it takes a lot of strength to pull through. Maybe you can try looking at the glass half-full instead of half-empty. Be positive. Life is full of pleasures too. You can try making some more adjustments to make your life better.
Anakin2018 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-18, 11:56 AM   #4
TTL Bronze Member
 
SensualGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 6,607
My Mood:
Default

^^What do you do for a living that allows you to live in solitude?
__________________
High hopes faint on a warm hearth stone; she travels the fastest who travels alone.
SensualGirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-18, 02:00 PM   #5
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 34
Default

Currently Im a taxi driver, but Im also taking some courses. I do obviously deal with people for work, but when Im not working, its mostly solitude.
Anakin2018 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-18, 05:29 PM   #6
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 2
My Mood:
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SensualGirl View Post
Sorry to hear you're going through so much. I have worked in toxic jobs in the past and lived in toxic areas.

Would you rather die or feel bad for your boss? You have to do what's best for yourself.
Maybe I didnt make much sense there...i owe the man a debt of gratitude because he kept his word to me. We're talking about a senior international division manager, and i'm just a low level guy...and the way I was raised was to be honorable and loyal. Going back on your word to me, as a man, I may as well cut off my testicles.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SensualGirl View Post
Would you rather die or go broke after having had a great experience of travel?

Does it really make sense?
And what will I do after coming back broke, with no job opportunities and no money to live off? Hence it making sense to end it all asap.

I never really cared much for myself anyways. Coming to think of it, I think i've been more or less depressed since my teens. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was at least 16 but what did I know back then? Things just seem to have been delayed. Sure, if I had done it back then, I would have missed out on some great past experiences but right now I question myself if the pain I have been going through has been worth while.
tsin1980 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-18, 11:56 PM   #7
Junior Member
 
TheSilentGrey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 172
My Mood:
Default

Well I think it comes down to, what matters to you more? your dignity or your life? If living here is so awful for you, I think you're totally justified in moving back.

It's not like you didn't give the job a good run, you've been in the company for like 12 years right? You've only got one life, I think you can afford to be a bit selfish with it, especially in a situation where you're considering throwing it all away.

Hope you can find a reason to keep on living.
TheSilentGrey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-17-18, 03:31 AM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 666
My Mood:
Default

From what I read, I see that you are watching out for other people a lot even bending backwards I would say. And YOU are actually the last one in your priority list. This is plain wrong. Your priorities are out of place.

You should examine your childhood and evaluate your relationship with your parents.

I am currently binge reading and watching youtube videos about narcissistic parents. Yep, it's a sad reality for many people to eventually learn, that their parents weren't and/or aren't healthy for them, because they trained their children to cater to them, parents, and as a result to other figures in their lives, neglecting their own needs and wants and living unhappy miserable life.

It's great to be a decent man, who keeps his word and is able to show loyalty and gratitude. But life is not black and white, there are no clear lines where to step and how to go about things. There are such things as circumstances, different variables, timing and etc.

At 37 your first priority has to be yourself, your own happiness and your own family (for when you meet the right woman). You are helping your mom - that's great, just imagine, how much more you could help her if you were a happier person. Sometimes happiness, positive emotions, good psych can be more useful than money. Don't you think she would be happier if her son was a happy man and gave her a few grandchildren?!

You don't want to let down your boss. Great! But think about this: at the end of the day, your boss goes home to his family, where he doesn't think about you. Plus he is a human, if he is as decent as your are, you can have a man to man conversation with him, and explain, that it's not working out for you.

I've been in your shoes not so long ago. I am 32, last 10 years living independently from my mom but still working hard to do things for her. Every year I sent her on vacations, I sent her money, brought her gifts, last year I bought a condo for her by the sea. All these years my priority was to take care of my mom. The biggest mistake ever. I feel like I've wasted my prime (I am a woman) years to take care of my mom instead of building my own family. And now guess what. Besides not even being grateful (she feels entitled to everything I do for her), she is pressuring me and complaining that I still didn't give her grandchildren. Sometimes she even implies that I am a looser. And that's after me spending all my time and resources to fix her poor financial decisions.

You need to become a little selfish, start loving yourself. Unconditionally! Plus you have all those qualities, what's not to love?! Forget about everyone else for a minute and do something that will make you happy.
__________________
The essence of life is growth.

The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
InSearchOfPeople is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-18, 01:41 PM   #9
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 2
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tsin1980 View Post
Bear with me as this can be long

I am vegan and here it's all about socializing and sharing ham and other shitty disgusting dishes. You mention you don't eat animal products, automatic shunning. Bear in mind I have never imposed my views on anyone nor will I pester people with criticism about the issues.

I was sober for 16 years until I got here. Found no other way to socialize or try to get it on with the ladies if not by drinking. Same practical results and it's probably the thing that eats me the most, having went back to booze. I never liked beer, i totally hate wine - another forbidden comment while talking up a lady, I've learned.

I work at a toxic environment where I'm unwanted and unappreciated simply because of petty grievances deriving from my nationality. My coworkers even complained to my manager they didn't like me speaking in Portuguese - to myself - because they couldn't tell if i was insulting them. I speak perfect Spanish, btw.

.
But you just very much did impose your views on the issue. We are usually the last to see ourselves clearly...me included.

Talking to yourself, at work, in a different language is a great way to start problems. People will take it wrong if you use a language they don't understand. Just speak Spanish if you feel the need to talk to yourself. Easy fix. No reason for it to ever happen again.

There are way better ways to meet women than drinking with them. I am sure there are plenty of women there that do not drink or would not mind if you don't drink. I have never required any man I am with to drink alcohol. Maybe you are looking for women in the wrong places.
Machonne is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:15 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Shoutbox provided by vBShout v6.2.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
 

Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.3.2