I harmed myself again
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I harmed myself again

This is a discussion on I harmed myself again within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I've been a self-harmer for several years. I have a strong fear of rejection. Recently I was seeing a woman ...

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Old 04-10-17, 10:15 AM   #1
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Default I harmed myself again

I've been a self-harmer for several years. I have a strong fear of rejection. Recently I was seeing a woman who I was very much in love with. She broke it off once because she was still in love with her ex. Shortly after she contacted me to try again. We dated for a few months and she broke it off again to go back to her ex. I can't describe how much I loved her, how much she understood me. I've never been with someone like her and now she has severed all ties to me. She will move on and be happy. I will have to live with the memories ever day reminding me of what could have been.

I harm myself to feel something. To feel a pain besides the heartache. I harm myself because I want to die. I feel lost and hopeless. I feel rejected and thrown away. I don't know how long I can take this feeling, I feel like I'm not here, like I don't exist. I want to die.
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Old 04-11-17, 12:50 AM   #2
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Hey there! I can empathise with you. I too have been a self harmer since several years. I know how you feel. It's like you are so empty inside that all you want is to feel something. For a few minutes. You don't mind if that feeling is physical. You are just glad that you can feel. And also you know you don't want want to feel anything else, cause no matter what you do or what you don't, you end up alone. I harm myself to get through the days, to relieve anxiety and such things. It gets too much for me sometimes. I harm myself to go on living.
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Old 04-11-17, 06:52 AM   #3
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Hi,

I'm a former self harmer and can empathise with your fear of rejection. I have several ex girlfriends who treated me similarly to what you described. I attempted suicide because of a certain ex's infidelity. She texted me not long after asking if I was dead yet. From my experience it can get better. It took me some time to be able to trust again. I sabotaged a relationship by breaking up with a wonderful person because I was terrified of getting too close and losing her. It sounds stupid, I know, but that's how much I feared being rejected. I learnt from that and the next woman I dated is the one I'm now married to. I can't predict the future, but in all likelihood things will get better as they did for me. Please seek help by speaking to your doctor or a therapist. There are other ways to cope with the hard times that aren't as dangerous (risk of infection etc) and don't leave scarring, which is the part that I find hardest to live with. Your life is worth far more than that girl's disloyalty.
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