I feel like I am suppose to go
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I feel like I am suppose to go

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Old 04-23-18, 01:12 PM   #1
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Default I feel like I am suppose to go

No, I do not hear voices.

I have faith and believe in God.

I have a lousy life that keeps getting worse.

I am not strong enough to endure all this pain.

I am tired and want this over with.
Just existing isn't working.

I keep believing God is trying to teach me, draw me closer to Him.

I am failing and I am ok with it.

They say to imagine or think of those you would effect, or leave behind.

No one would care. No one would hardly even know. I hardly exist to anyone, and those who I do are my husband and our two grown kids who only need me for money.

I'm just over all the hate, the pain, the confusion of this messed up world. We work jobs and family is second, ourselves last.

This isn't how God wanted this world.

I don't want to fake through another day, watching the hours slowly tick by until I can escape into the dark recesses of my room under the covers, praying day light never comes and cursing it when it does.

I don't care.
I have been thrown away and should just go away.
No one will care anyway as I just barely exist.
Happiness isn't meant for me.
The short instances I have had, I ruined them being me.

Survival of the fittest and I fail.

I believe God knows our lives, wrote it out Himself. Therefore planned and knows who will end their own life and when.

I know Him to be a loving God, and to know my heart.

If I am wrong, then the hell and pain I am enduring is preparing me for eternity and I have to question what worth am I at all on any level of existence.

I can't explain my life, my miserable state of being. I can't understand and I've grown too tired to want too anymore.

I know how, and I know where.
My time is short, and that gives me peace.
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Old 04-23-18, 10:12 PM   #2
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I read your post and I understand all you said. Unfortunately, I can relate. My desire 'to go' is way stronger than yours. I'm 64, all alone, I have no one. I don't work, I'm disabled. I have suffered severe depression my entire life and I have wanted my life to be over every single day of it. I have never had a day where I could say I was happy, not one day. Every day I want to die. And then I wake up again. So far I haven't had the nerve to actually do it. So I just keep thinking my heart will stop beating. I can't imagine my life getting any worse.

A difference between us that I noticed is that you believe in God. I'm not sure where I stand on this issue. But I positively don't believe that HE has a plan for us. Life is too random. I refuse to believe that God planned all the pain in the world that exists. Think of all the children and innocent people who have been grossly harmed by wars, did God plan that? You can't answer with free will as it was not the will of those children to be raped and dismembered. So I don't look to God to help me anymore. I used to, years ago, but nothing ever changed.

But for you, since you do believe that God has a plan for everyone, I doubt his plan for you would be to end your life. This says to me that you need to keep hanging on, until you see what his plan is for you.

I don't know, I don't know what to say, what to tell you or what to do. But I do hope that you are able to move past this current desire and find a reason to hang on. Sincerely. And I do believe that your kids care more than you may feel. I can guess that they aren't into being grateful for all you are but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be screwed up if you died. They would feel guilt, wondering what they did wrong. It would hit them very hard. I'm not suggesting that you should continue to live in order to prevent their pain, but that you should just know that they would be hurt.

Good luck to you. Hang in there. At least until your nails fall off.

Last edited by Banshee; 04-23-18 at 10:17 PM.
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Old 04-24-18, 12:28 AM   #3
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Banshee living a disappointing life sucks

I assure you, I struggle with free will, satan and how my loving God can't possibly want me, others, to live in such pain.

To know evil people who intentionally hurt others, prosper, the injustices of this world; I can't help but to believe I am nothing. I fail to matter. Nothing more than a puppet on a string, or a game token on His great chess board.

So I fail to see hope.
I am tired.
Putting energy into the empty vastness of nothingness.

My kids. Drug abuse. Selfish, entitled, know it alls. I failed as a parent.

My husband, poor soul. A victim of my life. A victim of his gracious and loving heart. An innocent man whose life has been negatively effected by entwining with my pathetic one.

I should have never been born.
My own mother didn't want me, she was selfish and I am a product of her lack of ability to be a good mother.

Like a good Shakespear play, tragic. Just a sad tragic life and I am out of energy or desire to carry this unfulfilling depressing life any more.

Today, I came home from a job I struggle to make it thru the hours of the day; I go straight to bed. I wake up in the dark and relish the deep dark abyss, but know it will end; because with that simple thought of the alarm, facing tomorrow, I know those days are numbered, and that calms my nerves - a little.

I have lost everything for my son, my job, my retirement, my identity. My heart and my self worth.

I am worthless.
I have nothing left to even try.
And I don't even care one single bit.

I have what I need.
I fear it failing.
So I have to prepare my body and trust I have planned well.
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Old 04-26-18, 11:46 PM   #4
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Melonie,
Your words ripped my heart out of my chest. I cannot be any more sorry for you.
I have to say this, there is very little you said that I cannot directly relate to. I really do feel your pain.

But I also have to say this. Nothing you said tells me that you are worthless. Everything you spoke of was not things that happened at your hand, even the part of poor parenting. I know when my kids were growing up, I thought I was a good mother. I loved my kids. But when they grew up and away and turned to everything that is wrong in life, I could only conclude that I really screwed up. Every person I know who has kids, their kids didn't grow up and away from them. Their kids didn't get into crime or hostile things. How could this have happened? I don't have the answer other than to say that obviously I wasn't as smart or as good as I thought I was.
I'm not married. My husband left me 25 years ago and I have been all alone every since.
I could go on about my mothers story of having me but it isn't worth me even remembering let alone telling it.

There is one thing you talked about that struck me the most. While everything you said I could relate to and say that it is true for me, the biggest was where you talked about the evil people that live and prosper in this world. I struggle more with the injustices in this world than any other aspect. I'm 64 now so I don't have to deal with most all of what you do. But I have come to realize that I have absolutely no tolerance for ignorant, abusive people. Over the past many years, I have found myself becoming more and more vocal about things I see that are so wrong. I used to only speak up when I would witness some act of abuse or neglect on a child or an animal. Now I have reached a whole new level where I am walking a fine line of being thrown in jail some day over what I view as being morally wrong. I now will take on someone that I see is being a downright idiot and causing emotional harm to another person over their own self rightousness. I will chew them up and spit them out at any cost. I will say to them what I feel needs to be said, or rather what they need to hear. And I could care less what they think of me. I don't consider myself to be a better person than they are, but as it relates to a particular incident or situation, I will speak out. I will defend anyone who needs it. I have chewed up stupid ass young fathers who are screaming at their teenage wife and newborn baby in WalMarts at midnight. I have chewed up single fathers who order their kids to play in the street in the middle of a weeknight so they can get high inside. I have stolen dogs out of people's yards where the dog is too neglected for me to stomach. I have gone to the aid of a young child in a restaurant where the parents were being verbally abusive to that child. There is no situation that I would ignore and there are no people that I won't stand up to.

Now tell me, what kind of person do you think I am? There are some that love me, most hate me but all will agree, I was right in my call. To me, this world has gotten so upside down, so many things wrong, I literally can't stand it and I can't handle it. I recognize the many superb people that exist, thank God that they do. And speaking of God, I don't want to diss your God, but I go back to the fact that if there was a true God, I will not believe that he would allow the cruelty to so many people in this world, that are true victims. I cannot buy into any justification whatsoever.

I have gotten so far off my point, apologies. I hear you loud and clear when you say you don't even know who you are. I went through 20 years of that. Now, I still don't have the answer, but when I rip up someone for their choice to be an ass, I almost feel as if it's my job. It doesn't pay my bills & like I said, I'll probably end up in jail, but at least there I know I'll be fed and won't be on the streets like too many people are. And maybe that person will think twice the next time they decide to be an ass. Everyone is the consequences of their own behavior.

You were born, through no desire of your own, just as your children were. You have to create some amount of hope for yourself. My hope only goes as far as tomorrow. Hope that I'll have a peaceful day where I can be outside with the sun on my face and feel content for that. If I get that, I'll get by another day. To carry the pain that you are, is so heavy and so hard and so pointless. Immerse yourself in to yourself, in a positive way, not a selfish way. Do the best you can for just one day. And if you can and you do, the next day will be either better or more challenging. Either way it won't matter, it'll be just another day.

Good luck.
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Old 04-28-18, 06:57 PM   #5
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Banshee

Thank you for caring, and responding.

I too "act out" or "speak up". Bullying is a huge issue for me and I am currently being cyber bullied and stalked by a group because I made a post about finding a hairdresser, and then posted a review about my experience.

In all of their attacking post, I have not responded once. Not one comment.
I have received messages to go "get f$ck3d" and one told me "go lay on train tracks"

Oh...if they only knew.

The bad thing about personalities like ours, they can come at me all they want, what do I care, I aint got nothin to lose.

But, like I need the additional drama and stress in my life.?!?!

Maybe I want something even so petty to be the final straw to push me over that edge?

The important things are such crap, there is no joy. No glimpses of promises or hope.

I am so [email protected] tired I am past being able to muster the energy to fake it thru another day, and to the point now that I can no longer pretend to even give a sh!+.
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