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I feel it coming...

This is a discussion on I feel it coming... within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; Tiger i used to be the life of the party, social and talkative. When i ran away, all of a ...

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Old 04-24-19, 05:54 AM   #11
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Tiger i used to be the life of the party, social and talkative. When i ran away, all of a sudden i was free from being scared all the time and it was the best feeling in the world. I reached every tangible goal i dreamed for myself at 17. I only had whatever i was wearing and $50., i had so much drive and ambition and need to prove to the world you really can turn your life around. I was on that high throughout my 20s. My 30s i had days where i was low but nothing like this. The end of last year everything fell apart like i mentioned in my first post and its like i just hit a wall. No ambition or drive or anything, this time i got knocked down and stayed down. Whats the point started creeping into my thoughts. When i was younger i could imagine a successful career and a nice place and material things, i just had to work hard for them. I could never see myself married or having children and they never happened. I also could not see myself past 40. i am 39 now, i will turn 40 at the end of December. I don’t know if this is some midlife crisis or nervous breakdown. It’s like the day i came home in december and the door closed behind me some switch turned off and i just completely checked out. This is the exact opposite of what people who expect from me, why i wont see anyone. I live in toronto so thought the warm weather would change things for me after the cold, but now i just want to block out the sun. It seems so harsh and blinding next to my mood.I am going to google avoidant personality disorder. I know this hermit life sounds really bad but i feel safe in it, nothing in the world can hurt me. Thank you for listening i feel selfish rambling on about myself. I just do not know how to shake this and i will eventually run out of money going on this way. I know the first step is changing my whats the point thinking, but i just cant. I have used up all of my getting back up energy and just feel i have no gas left. It never works out because i can get all the tangible things back, but i just cannot change me. going on alone for the latter half of life sounds like a nightmare.
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Old 04-24-19, 01:20 PM   #12
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I am now trying to think of how to reclaim some of the area around me. I do run errands in my car, to the bank and store and post office, but do not spend time in my yard. I avoid being out there when any neighbor is in their yard, because I don’t want to be seen or spoken to, really.

But last week I went in the car to the laundromat at about 5am or so, and that felt good, like the world belonged to me at that hour. And I have taken walks late at night around my block, or again at 5am. No one is out and I made a regular thing of it, and felt like I’d reclaimed my neighborhood — at a certain hour, that is.

I think the next thing I’m going to do is take my coffee outside in the morning, and drink it sitting on my steps (then go back inside afterwards). Even if neighbors are around. They’re my steps and I can watch the street from there if I want to. Just like all those old-timers and people in certain areas sit on their big porches and look at everyone passing.
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Old 04-24-19, 01:22 PM   #13
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You know, letting the sun into your home in one room might be a good thing. You might imagine it as a heat lamp to warm you, nothing more. You could be like a baby chick with a devoted heat source, and it would be good for you.
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Old 04-27-19, 09:38 PM   #14
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Im sitting on my balcony. It faces the beautiful lights of toronto. A city full of life, it makes me realize how dead i have become. The cars going by going somewhere or going home, all for what purpose i don’t know. Why cant i find a point anymore. I envy anyone who is even crossing the street they are able to go out and keep going. I think the piece that finally broke in me was not repairable this time. I am starting to feel again but feel worse, the pain and tears dont stop i cant sleep without lots of help like sleeping pills and alcohol to make it act faster. All i want to do is sleep forever and be free and finally at peace. I gurantee no one would even notice for months.
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Old 04-28-19, 06:53 AM   #15
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Solitude is strength if we can deal with it,but if it becomes a burden and we start to feel bad about it then it can develop into loneliness or depression...no outsider can feel how deep a sad feeling can exist inside us,we often blame ourself,society or anything else for that matter..i think we should learn not to blame ourselves for things that happen to us which we think is a hopeless situation..good thing you can express your feelings here?it might be of little help but it is a small candle burning in the darkness...Life can turn or change for the better,only me here...keep on posting...
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Old 04-28-19, 03:45 PM   #16
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It does feel good to talk here because i can say the things here i would never say in real life. “no outsider can feel how deep a sad feeling can exist inside us” is one of the truest things i have heard tiger. No one understands that except everyone here. I am glad i joined and am making an effort to hear everyones thoughts, shows there is hope for me yet. ❤️
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Old 04-29-19, 09:47 AM   #17
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well yes==you hit the nail here by saying that on this forum you can elaborate about your true inner feelings==by opening up you also will feel much better and the world will not be such a gloomy burden perhaps?i do wish that apart from me and stirfry people will see you as just someone who perhaps has faced a lot of shit in life,but you will be a survivor after all and find that little extra which illuminates your daily life and thoughts,we on TTL are here for everyone who likes to tell how they feel,and we care to listen...if people would start judging here it would not be TTL anymore and thanks to the admins this forum is a blessing in disguise.. you wrote this==**I am glad i joined and am making an effort to hear everyones thoughts,shows there is hope for me yet. ❤️** sure there is hope...feel that vibe,you don't have to go out in Toronto town...you will feel it in your heart... good woman you..life is not so bad as we sometimes see it,only me here
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