I feel it coming...
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I feel it coming...

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Old 04-13-19, 03:15 AM   #1
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Default I feel it coming...

I have read this board for about 10 years never joined until 10 mins ago.
Its funny this board became a place where i could gage when i was getting to a dark place, i would come here and read that other people felt the same way. I could see how many have pain and how i had to get through too. In my happy moments i never came here i didn't even think of this place.
Now i find myself posting because i have been hit by something i cant get out of this time. A series of events happened at the end of last year where i am left with nothing. I never really had a family still dont. No husband no kids...ive slowly but surely chased all of my friends away...im just cutting every thread to this world in slow motion. My job was something i found much success with in life but at the end of last year a superior started harassing me and because he was worth more to the company then i was they paid me out and basically told me to get lost. I got really sick with pneumonia during the same period and as i live alone had to call an ambulance and uber home. It struck me how sad it was being there alone but it was normal to me, that aching feeling of seeing everyone else sick with at least one person there. . The guy i had let into my heart after years of avoiding relationships also drifted away. He was so full on into me from day one and i kept telling him i didnt want to get involved but like usual they say they care they keep making you think they do but when your damage starts to show they vanish. I took my severance and ran of to thailand to see a friend then across canada on a train. That took me into mid december. I got off that train and came home. Its 4 months later and ive been in this haze. I basically locked the door and never came out again. I haven't applied to a single job (i thankfully have enough saved it isn't a major problem). I stayed at home for my bday xmas new years. I stopped answering the phone. My friends who knew something wasn't right i straight up lied to and said i was travelling. Some i just picked fights with and now the phone doesn't ring the txts have stopped. I spend my days in my condo in my room detached from everything. I dont have a job, friends, family, nothing, i dont even care...im glad everyone has forgotten me because then im free. I leave my house once every 6 weeks if i have to get something across the street. I havent stepped foot into my car. I wont disgust you with the rest. Nothing matters anymore. In doing nothing Ive decided to check out completely but i know i cant do this forever and thats when i get scared and think i have to do something soon and by do something its not going back to the real world, its leaving it. I just dont have the guts. I dont even want anything anymore. My dreams are on loop from a very terrible childhood everything in the past plays over and over. Im so numb and disassociated that i cant move in any direction. I have had to pick myself off the floor 100 plus times in life but its like this time i just cant. why should i for it to always end up like this anyway? There is nothing i can do to fix me i am just too screwed up from the past, i dont blame anyone anymore but me. Its only me here. alone always and forever.
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Old 04-13-19, 07:36 AM   #2
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Welcome to this forum,only me here...we all do appreciate your honest posting about how you feel
I got the impression something got triggered in you to become a recluse,nothing wrong with that...in fact if we can live a life as a loner it's better then getting harassed all the time by folks who just seem to be bullies in a way..your story is happening to lots of people who find themselves suddenly in events and turmoil of life where they have no control over..fact that one loses a job is an influence sometimes,the weaker have to go,the priviliged stay on,and it happens a lot more often then we can think..in a relationship one has to go through hard and difficult times,me and my gf have diffferences of opinion which often went into arguments etc...but funny enough we always make up and come back together,always one of us was the reason something went wrong,so i bet it's such a nice thing to say...i love you and we start with a clean slate again?not everyone can achieve this..i read your sentence damage starts and they vanish...i guess that a weak point in any relationship,going through mental hardships and getting out of it together exactly strengtens a relationship..i like the way you say*i ran of to Thailand and travelled in Canada*=great=because travelling can be a kick off to better moods..after your travelling i see you turned bit into hermit loner=no job,friends,family...mind me asking==are you in a depressive mood at times?terrible childhoods lead easily to trauma...i say you are never alone...at least not on this forum because we love to listen without pointing a nasty comment or a judgment...
keep us updated on your situation and once again==thanks a lot for posting
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Last edited by tigerlover; 04-13-19 at 07:41 AM.
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Old 04-13-19, 11:46 AM   #3
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Only Me, that's a real cascade you've described. It strikes me as brave of you to pick up and go to Thailand. You had some good vital energy that made you able to make profound changes in your life. And you demonstrated that you're capable of making rather quick, big decisions.

Maybe it will push me to post, because my life has a few similarities. Four months of inaction is not long at all -- I'm old so I can say this with surety.

All that could bring on an entirely different life for you is one event, one little decision, one day a little different from the ones before. Things start changing with tiny actions. As I type this I'm also trying to psyche myself into doing something, because my life is rather similar; I don't answer the phone, I seldom go out the door. But one thing leads to another, if I start with one thing.
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Old 04-14-19, 08:26 AM   #4
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Thank you both for responding it means a lot you took the time.

One thing to clarify about these trips that i glossed over. We all know wherever you go thats where you are, your mind goes with you. week one in thailand i was fine when i was with my friend but i should never have gone there he has struggled with depression in the past and i should have never have stepped foot into his world with my own volatile mess. I was just so lonely. I basically spent one week with him, then checked into a resort. It was a 5 star resort and beautiful. Thailand is cheap it was basically $30 US dollars a night, this was chang mai not the big cities i know that sounds irrelevant but when i talk i always set a stage of what exactly is going on around me...what did i do amongst all this beauty that surely would have made many smile. I got drunk by the pool by myself, watched families and couples and cried behind my sunglasses. Ive generally been an outgoing person hen i drink ill take to anbody and i met some US folks who were there for a conference and went out with them that night i pushed myself...i got drunk pretended I was someone else for a night. The rest of the week i was there i shut the curtains and didnt leave my room again even though i had so many txts from this nice group of people to go out with them...in a lovely place with lovely company i hid in the covers with the curtains closed. I lost a 20 year friendship with my friend there i didn't care i never reached out again. then the that train...its supposed to be a romantical thing Ive always wanted to do and decided to do alone. It went from one end of canada to the rockies. The views were amazing the dining lounge full of happy people enjoying life and it made me sink further, i barely left my room. Checked into a room in the rockies, never let it, and came back home. Its a blur of tears sleep books and netflix. I just wasted money on something i could not enjoy at all because anything when your that alone amongst happy families and couples is a trigger. I dont know what i was thinking...perhaps to shock it out of me? it ended up doing the opposite it started my indoor stint where i now wont even leave my house. I shocked myself into the opposite direction.

I am going to read your posts as well so i get a better idea of your story. I have made a rule for myself here. A take a penny situation. For anyone who answers me i will answer someone in their story. These boards over the years have lowered in activity and i think we all have landed here for a reason and need someone to respond sometimes. I know how good it felt when someone did for me. Thank you.
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Old 04-21-19, 09:08 AM   #5
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Is anyone there?
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Old 04-22-19, 04:46 PM   #6
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Yes -- I'm here, but I have never posted much of my own life, at all. I have to admit that I feel exposed here, even with a username. I have to speak at a distance. What I can tell you is that I've had periods of time in which I didn't take care of myself well at all, and it started to get that way recently too.

I almost declined when invited to an Easter gathering but finally went. Haven't seen anyone since the winter holidays. It was okay. It made me get dressed and ready to go somewhere...
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Old 04-22-19, 04:48 PM   #7
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I've just decided to get in the car, drive to the park and walk. I'll be hoping you get outside today or tomorrow too.
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Old 04-24-19, 01:51 AM   #8
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Stirfry, i hear you on not being able to tell anyone anything even if it is anonymous. It is why i never made an account. If i am honest i cry a lot even when i write these posts but when i click submit this feeling comes over me like i got it all out on paper and its a little bit less inside of me. I would like to hear more about you as when i hear you can make it out maybe i can?

As for me i didn’t go outside at all. In fact, it is getting worse i have found a way to source everything i need. I have everything delivered and never have to leave my house, even prescriptions which was the only reason i left my house every 6 weeks. I think the last time i was outside was 2 months ago. There are two reasons i do this and am aware of them. One, it is very difficult for me to see families, love, children. How on earth can you avoid that in this world? Everything is something i have never and will never have. The other reason is i feel safest alone in my room. I grew up with a violent alcoholic father who used to beat the crap out of me, he even put me in the hospital. I used to hide in my room thinking Out of sight out of mind. I spent my whole grade 10 year never seeing him even once although we lived in the same house. If he was home i simply did not leave my room, even to eat. My room was my safety then and it still brings me great comfort and feelings of safety. My dad was extremely bad, besides beatings, he would do crazy things to humiliate me like put my retainer in the toilet and make me put it back in my mouth because i didn’t like wearing it and if was caught without it that was the punishment. Ive been locked in the basement, left behind, and was his main punching bag even though i had 2 siblings. Sometimes he would make them hit me or they would get it. To be hated so much in my early life has really messed me up and its like i am finally realizing exactly how much. My siblings both turned out well married with children. I am still in my room. I finally ran away at 17 and in my culture women don’t do that i was disowned by everyone. They knew what he was but nobody cared. That’s what i mean about being completely alone this world. Everyone says love and family is all that matters in this world but what do you do the when you have neither? I have sabotaged every relationship i have been in because of my abandonment issues and need for someone to be a protector. Because i have no one else my partner would have to deal with having to play roles that is not for them to play. That is why when a relationship ends it’s devastating as i am once again alone. It is weird the guy i mentioned that vanished reached out. He was drunk and told me he wanted to be with me and for me to move to his city. In my head i thought how nice it would be but i no longer look like myself anymore so would probably never see him again. My father always told me i was fat and ugly and no one would want me so i have massive self esteem issues and will not let anyone see me as i am now. What he said Felt a little nice until the next day he basically had little memory of what he said. It hurt when we broke up and now it feels like an open wound again. I have asked him to not play with my feelings or msg me again, i know for my own sanity i cannot let anyone in who threatens this weak structure of mine. I see this long lonely life rolling out in front of me and a horrific childhood behind me and its pushing me further and further into darkness. I cannot go on like this anymore, i cannot be this alone in this world anymore.
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Old 04-24-19, 02:22 AM   #9
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that's a whole story of a horrible childhood,only me there..
your Dad??is no Dad in my eyes but just a self centered manipulator
we cannot imagine your suffering but i bet it ended upinto cutting yourself totally away from society,you got no trust and self esteem left when people treat other people that way,my Dad was an alcoholic as well,but he was a very gentle soft man,he couldn't kill a fly so to speak,i have hig regards for my dad apart from the fact he ruined his life and health on alcoholism...i will come back to your posting in a while since we all think you should not totally be cut away from society...(will be continued)
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Old 04-24-19, 02:37 AM   #10
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i am baffled the way you can live a *hermit* life having not to leave your house,getting everything delivered etc..that certainly involves no social contact at all but strong willpower and determination,not everyone can do this,only me...i condemn violence in any form and a Dad who beats his child is in my eyes the lowest of the lowest,good to hear your siblings are doing well in society..child abuse can create deep trauma and mental issues like avoidant personality disorder etc..it might be a problem to ever develop a steady relationship because the hurt from before when you were younger still lingers on?we do appreciate the way you write your mind in such an openhearted way,not easy...being alone or being a loner are two different things,being lonely is worser then being able to live a loner life of seclusion..therefore we think it's a very positive issue that you came out in the open with your problem and get it off your chest so to speak...we are here to listen...keep on posting...
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