Think you should look into other free services. There are support groups for survivors of suicide and other tradgedies. They're free. I think what you've gone through and are still going through is so rough and painful, it's got to be so hard to deal with on your own. You really need somebody outside of your family to talk to about it, somebody less emotionally invested in what's happened to you and yourfamily.
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Dr. Seuss
"The earth provides enough to satisfy every man's needs, but not every man's greed." Gandhi.
War is a racket. The few profit. The many suffer. --Major General Smedley Butler. 2 time congressional Medal of Honor winner.
"The greater the sensibility, the greater the suffering...much suffering." Leonardo da Vinci.
Everybody drank the Kool-Aid.