I don't know what to do.
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I don't know what to do.

This is a discussion on I don't know what to do. within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; My name is Rose and I'm new to this site. I'm 14 years old and suicidal, please do not judge ...

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Old 02-04-13, 08:06 AM   #1
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Default I don't know what to do.

My name is Rose and I'm new to this site.

I'm 14 years old and suicidal, please do not judge me as an emotional teenager, I've felt this way for a long long time.

My first suicide attempt was when I was 11, I have severe anxiety and I struggle to be around people my own age. I had just started high school and I felt like an outsider.
It was considered "cool" and "freakish" to cut yourself at my old school, the deeper/worse the wounds the more you were admired, this is the rumour anyways, just a few months ago I went back to the school and the girl sitting beside me has scars on her arms. (I go to a school for children with anxiety issues, I went back to my old school for a short while but couldn't cope)
I hated it.
I was then moved out of school after my Overdose, I've never been diagnosed with depression and nobody thinks I have it, only anxiety.

Anyways, my father died when I was 12 years old (murdered) and it's been harder to get over it these last few weeks. I've been suicidal and I don't want to live at times
I have days were I am happy and I smile, I socialize, I am around a few of my friends... but then I am reminded of the past and the depressed feelings hit.

I've been involved with different agencies, (Banardoes, CAMHS and a few counseling/therapy places) all to no avail, the only thing that helped me was 1 therapist who helped me with using public transport.
Anyways, people keep telling me I need to keep fighting. I sometimes get ill out of stress. (Vomiting, stomach pains, head aches, chest pains)

I really don't know what to do anymore, I just want my father back. My relationship with my mother is up and down, she hated my father so she is more angry he is no longer paying for me. She's not insensitive as such it's just she doesn't completely understand how I feel. I just want everything to end but the guilt of knowing my mother will kill herself too and leave my sister behind is what keeps me here, I couldn't inflict that kind of pain on anyone, least of all my mother who's been through so much.

Anyone have any idea on what I can do? Self harming is the only thing that is helping me keep calm and that is not exactly healthy.
Please, somebody help.
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Old 02-04-13, 08:53 AM   #2
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First of all, nobody in their right mind would play down the seriousness of your problems based on your age. 14yrs old is more than old enough to have suffered, there are many children in war torn countries who could testify to that. Also, depression is not a competition. It doesn't matter who has worse circumstances. The circumstances are only relevant to the treatment. Your depression is valid and your pain is as valid as anyone else's here. I'm glad that you decided to join us :)

Putting that aside, you have clearly been through something awful and it's no wonder you are hurting. Your physical symptoms could most definitely be attributed to anxiety. Anxiety often accompanies depression. Anxiety on its own can be extremely powerful and debilitating. It may be a disorder of the mind but it affects the body in very real ways. Anxiety is not just 'worry', as some lesser informed people seem to think. It is like a poison that invades every aspect of your thought process and it keeps on attacking you. Each time you get a little control over one particular aspect of it the anxiety attacks you in a new way. It's beatable, for sure, but it's no laughing matter. You wouldn't actually need any other diagnosis to warrant being taken seriously. However, in your circumstances depression wouldn't be surprising in the least. How anyone could try and play down your claims is a mystery to me.

The first thing I want to ask you is whether you have ever been on any medication? If so then what? If not then has it been discussed and how do you feel about it? Obviously you are still pretty young and I'm not sure what the policy is with regards to medication for younger people. However, I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't be the first either way. Medication can certainly help a great deal with anxiety and that might give you enough physical wellbeing to be able to start tackling your other issues.

Self harm is a maladaptive coping mechanism, as you have identified. It's not unusual for people to wear scars as a kind of badge of pain and that doesn't necessarily indicate attention seeking, as some may suggest. People with depression, especially younger people, struggle to get recognition or true understanding. Their issues get played down and trivialised. Too many people bury their heads in the sand. Too many people say that it will all be okay but with no suggestions how to make it so. When you can't get anyone to see or understand your pain then it's not that strange that you might try and represent it with your injuries. Self harm has many different facets, it can be about many different things. Some people need to punish themselves, others need to absorb excess adrenaline and others just need it to be known that they are hurting. Many of us have harmed in all three of those ways.

You do need counselling, I would have to say that. You need to be able to talk about the things you are going through. You probably can't always talk to your mum about things because she is too close to the issues. Getting things out of your head will at least allow you space to think and to process. You need help with guiding your thoughts and with retraining your natural responses to emotional upset. Counselling is often like medication in that each person is different and hence what works for one might not work for another. Sometimes you will have to try several different counsellors and styles of counselling before you find the best fit. However, you should keep on trying because it's an investment in yourself and your future.

You need counselling, you need support from your mum and you also need support from people who have been where you are. Joining TTL was a very positive mood in my opinion because it means you don't have to be alone with this :)

An unfortunate aspect of self harm is that there will often be judgement from those who don't understand. The same is true of depression but to a slightly lesser extent. Try and consider the source of opinions before giving them too much importance. Don't listen to those who would seek to mock you and certainly don't listen to those who would seek to encourage you. Self harm is no joke and no game. It can lead to serious injury and painful death. All it takes is for an infection to set in to a wound.

The thing with self harming is that is just adds damage on top of damage. Nothing is ever fixed. It is a short term method of dealing with long term problems that actually doesn't ever fix any of those problems. It's self defeating, despite how it may seem like the only answer. You cannot stop hurting by hurting yourself further. I hope that you will find the strength to stop harming. I know that it's not easy.

I'll stop there for now but please feel free to post as much as you need to. Your thoughts and feelings are welcome here :)
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