My name is Rose and I'm new to this site.
I'm 14 years old and suicidal, please do not judge me as an emotional teenager, I've felt this way for a long long time.
My first suicide attempt was when I was 11, I have severe anxiety and I struggle to be around people my own age. I had just started high school and I felt like an outsider.
It was considered "cool" and "freakish" to cut yourself at my old school, the deeper/worse the wounds the more you were admired, this is the rumour anyways, just a few months ago I went back to the school and the girl sitting beside me has scars on her arms. (I go to a school for children with anxiety issues, I went back to my old school for a short while but couldn't cope)
I hated it.
I was then moved out of school after my Overdose, I've never been diagnosed with depression and nobody thinks I have it, only anxiety.
Anyways, my father died when I was 12 years old (murdered) and it's been harder to get over it these last few weeks. I've been suicidal and I don't want to live at times
I have days were I am happy and I smile, I socialize, I am around a few of my friends... but then I am reminded of the past and the depressed feelings hit.
I've been involved with different agencies, (Banardoes, CAMHS and a few counseling/therapy places) all to no avail, the only thing that helped me was 1 therapist who helped me with using public transport.
Anyways, people keep telling me I need to keep fighting. I sometimes get ill out of stress. (Vomiting, stomach pains, head aches, chest pains)
I really don't know what to do anymore, I just want my father back. My relationship with my mother is up and down, she hated my father so she is more angry he is no longer paying for me. She's not insensitive as such it's just she doesn't completely understand how I feel. I just want everything to end but the guilt of knowing my mother will kill herself too and leave my sister behind is what keeps me here, I couldn't inflict that kind of pain on anyone, least of all my mother who's been through so much.
Anyone have any idea on what I can do? Self harming is the only thing that is helping me keep calm and that is not exactly healthy.
Please, somebody help.