Ok, I have to post this quick, because in a couple hours I'll either slip back into idealizing suicide or into having a genuine fear that I shouldn't be alive. I'm having a rare moment of clarity here and I need to take advantage of it.
The whole "I'm worthless, I cause other people unhappiness, I need to suffer/die for their sake" thing- what's my real motive for that? What do I get out of it?
My usual go-to during the 95% of the time that I'm feeling suicidal is this: There are a lot of physically worthless people out there, but not all of them are very smart. The dumb ones go on living their lives, not satisfying the people in their lives and generally being a drain on others. But worthless people who possess a reasonable amount of intelligence, such as myself, understand that they can't live as the kind of person they wish they could be, with the ability to make others happy in the way they would like to, and they are capable of coming to the rational, philosophical conclusion that either they deserve to die, that someone else would be better off if they died, or both.
But there are rare moments where I realize the BS in that way of thinking.
Sorry, as I'm typing this, I'm already starting to slip back into it. I can't finish up this post because quite honestly, I feel guilty about doing it, and suicide for the sake of others (or at least, completely removing myself from the lives of others for their sake, and maybe killing myself if I can't handle the loneliness or despair that goes along with that) seems like a reasonable and rational thing for someone like me to do. But I'm going to resist the temptation to delete what I've already written. Make of it what you will and share your thoughts if you've heard/read this a hundred times before.