"I deserve to die/suffer/kill myself for the sake of others"- What's my real motive?
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"I deserve to die/suffer/kill myself for the sake of others"- What's my real motive?

This is a discussion on "I deserve to die/suffer/kill myself for the sake of others"- What's my real motive? within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; Ok, I have to post this quick, because in a couple hours I'll either slip back into idealizing suicide or ...

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Old 05-12-14, 07:06 PM   #1
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Default "I deserve to die/suffer/kill myself for the sake of others"- What's my real motive?

Ok, I have to post this quick, because in a couple hours I'll either slip back into idealizing suicide or into having a genuine fear that I shouldn't be alive. I'm having a rare moment of clarity here and I need to take advantage of it.

The whole "I'm worthless, I cause other people unhappiness, I need to suffer/die for their sake" thing- what's my real motive for that? What do I get out of it?

My usual go-to during the 95% of the time that I'm feeling suicidal is this: There are a lot of physically worthless people out there, but not all of them are very smart. The dumb ones go on living their lives, not satisfying the people in their lives and generally being a drain on others. But worthless people who possess a reasonable amount of intelligence, such as myself, understand that they can't live as the kind of person they wish they could be, with the ability to make others happy in the way they would like to, and they are capable of coming to the rational, philosophical conclusion that either they deserve to die, that someone else would be better off if they died, or both.

But there are rare moments where I realize the BS in that way of thinking.

Sorry, as I'm typing this, I'm already starting to slip back into it. I can't finish up this post because quite honestly, I feel guilty about doing it, and suicide for the sake of others (or at least, completely removing myself from the lives of others for their sake, and maybe killing myself if I can't handle the loneliness or despair that goes along with that) seems like a reasonable and rational thing for someone like me to do. But I'm going to resist the temptation to delete what I've already written. Make of it what you will and share your thoughts if you've heard/read this a hundred times before.
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Old 05-12-14, 07:18 PM   #2
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I realize that the above post might be seen as a general endorsement of suicide. I didn't intend it to be that way and I don't want to trigger anyone. When I say that suicide is a reasonable thing for "people like me" to do, I'm basically referring to me and me alone. I've gone through this conversation with therapists/friends before- at some point, we inevitably get to the point where I admit that virtually everyone has value and worth, and that virtually everyone deserves to live. I say virtually everyone because I don't include myself. 6,999,999,999 human beings are worthwhile enough to live and pursue happiness and only one, myself, is not. So delete this thread if you think it will trigger people but just know that I don't think suicide or self harm is the answer for anyone except myself.
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Old 05-12-14, 08:01 PM   #3
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Read Augusten Burroughs,' This is how...' you might find a very interesting answer to your question. In the meantime, you're smarter than you give yourself credit for. You argue like a lawyer hoping to be persuaded that your points are valid but it's not true philosophy or an objective argument. Useless is a blanket term that someone handed you at one time and like a conscientious person you parroted it and because it rightly gave you pain to believe their brainwashing you are looking to start over and be more perfect or less of a target.
Well, there's a problem with that besides the merely obvious. How do you know they're right? Or that you will never discover your purpose? It takes time to develop a human being. People have pretty unreasonable ideas, too, about how long it should take and what they should do with the rest of their life. I say, don't fall for it buddy. Nihilism looks romantic on paper but in reality it is a merely a trendy way of saying you wish things had more apparent purpose. Some people hide in the darkness so they don't have to see what's in there with them but if you want to be rid of those pernicious ideas you have to stop validating and feeding them. Socrates said- Question authority! I say- question the need for immediate purpose! You're here! Isn't that enough? You'll figure it out.And if anyone knows the ultimate answer to this question, it's you and only you. Anyone who can write like you do, with a desire to be something, can be something. And don't let anyone- including yourself- talk you out of it.
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