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I can't take life

This is a discussion on I can't take life within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; Hi Sagerch, I feel the same you do. Maybe worse. I am older than you are. My depression is so ...

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Old 09-16-11, 03:14 AM   #31
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Hi Sagerch,

I feel the same you do. Maybe worse. I am older than you are. My depression is so bad I cannot concentrate - it hurts inside of my head. I try to read a page and all I can do is one or two sentences and then the 'pain' (it is not a conventional pain but a terrible suffering inside of my head which is impossible to explain to somebody who have never experienced it) overwhelms me - I cannot concentrate. I cannot even concentrate on a conversation. It hurts so much. That's speaking of school. Yeah I can imagine it. The worst part is I did not want to talk to anyone. I wanted a relief from the suffering - not an attempt to cheer me up. The insomnia - I met the witch many times. Some days I don't sleep at all - some days three or four hours. Somebody suggested to talk to the psychiatrist - I hesitated for a while but then I agreed - nobody knew about it. I was lucky the psychiatrist was good - she was quite and she was just listening to me - and I don't know how it happened but the flood gate got opened I was talking and talking... non stop for four hours. I am grateful that someone just shut up and listened to me and didn't try 'to cheer me up that everything will be okay'. I felt just a bit better. Most importantly that I've realized that there is a way to ease my suffering - I need to talk to somebody who is willing to listen and to understand me. Also I've realized that tomorrow does not exist - therefore the school, which I have to go to tomorrow does not exist either - the only existence is today, right now. Think only of right now - google 'mindfulness'. It made me feel better - it might help you. I had no energy to move - in this regard the baby steps helped me. Don't think of the larger tasks - like 'go to school' tomorrow - think of something simple - 'put one sock on', 'get a glass of water'. About your mom. I had very similar problem with mine. What I learned that women despite being known as more sensitive of the two genders - sometimes have no clue what is going. You need to spell everything out for them. Then the reaction could be "why didn't you tell me?". That is what happened with my mom. I was holding everything inside - being a male and stuff I could not opened up - finally I did. She was crying at first, but then she and I felt better and now she is more 'delicate' about my situation which helps a lot. Maybe you should tell your mom something simple like "I have a problem... I need your help..." and see where it will take the conversation. Something else. If you miss a day at the school - don't blame yourself - okay? It is not your fault. If somebody breaks a leg and don't go to school nobody would call that person 'son of a bitch' - right? So same with you - it is not your choice, it is not your fault. Give yourself a pet on the shoulder that you came here - it is a big step. Remember one day at a time - baby steps.
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Old 09-16-11, 09:40 AM   #32
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Can't tell anyone, too afraid of their reaction. It's my fault, everyone else can deal with school perfectly fine.
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Old 09-16-11, 10:45 AM   #33
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Everything just feels and goes so bad.
Chances = (care/1), more I care about something, less chances I get.
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Old 09-16-11, 11:39 AM   #34
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Sagerch, it is not your fault. You just have a disbalance of some chemicals in your head - that's all. It will pass eventually. Some people have chemical disbalance in their stomachs, which causes ulcer. Is it their fault? I don't think so.
Also, don't compare yourself to somebody else - you are not 'everyone else'. We all unique, we all have our unique problems. You might think that such and such person has everything cool going on for them - it's a pile of h***s**** - believe me. We ALL have problems, so do not compare yourself to somebody else.
If you afraid about somebody's reaction then there could be two ways to approach it. First, talk to your school counselor or whoever you can talk to. You can start to reveille bit by bit about your situation. Stay in your comfort zone and watch the reaction. The counselors have seen it all, so I wouldn't worry about their reaction. You also can reassure yourself by asking the counselor to keep it confidential and not to tell your parents if you are not comfortable about it. Second, even with your parents you can do baby steps and at first just test the water. You can simply ask your parents how they coped with the high school and see where the conversation will take. Don't rush with the response - it might take a day or two for the parents to digest. Or you can ask them that you have a problem to concentrate and what would they do in this situation. Do you think it is something you can do?
Also, what are you talking about "more O care about something, less chances I get"?
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Old 09-16-11, 01:19 PM   #35
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They both keep telling me they had all A's and so on.
Saying I'm bad for not going, stupid, crazy ect.
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Old 09-16-11, 05:22 PM   #36
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I see. I think it just tells me that you are a good kid, you just try to hard because of the pressure from your parents. Correct me if I am wrong. Your parents on the other hand being overachievers are too hard on you. I know someone who is just few years older than you going trough the same ordeal. Of course, the attitude "just snap out of it" does not help at all. Well, then, we narrowed our possibilities to one chose - you need to talk to a professional counselor. Do you have somebody like that in your school?
Also, I was wondering about the details of your school fears. Could you be more specific? What frightens (if it is a right word) you when you think of the school or when you are thinking of going to school?
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Old 09-16-11, 05:35 PM   #37
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No no, I don't try at all, before highschool I only had A's and so I made it into best highschool in town so I got B's and C's and D's now too. I really don't want to talk with someone in real life about this.
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Old 09-16-11, 05:36 PM   #38
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Are you okay talking about this here?
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Old 09-16-11, 05:42 PM   #39
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Yes.
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Old 09-16-11, 05:45 PM   #40
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So, what happened, why do you think you 'don't try at all' as comparing to the middle school?
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