I am plotting again
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I am plotting again

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Old 01-07-20, 02:27 PM   #1
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Surprisingly how you think you are making progress and then something or someone very insignificant to a normal person would send you over the edge.

Over the course of the last 2-3 years I’ve made a series of wrong decisions, caused by bad judgement, mostly in regards to choosing people to live with, to work with, hang out with, or date with....

I am not blaming others for my current misery, but only myself for seeing but not accepting when someone is not the right person for you, for not working on my co-dependency sooner, but instead of keep trying to make things work that were not meant to work, while losing time and resources in the process only to be left broken and all alone.

It’s like all the perps out there can smell my loneliness and weakness, as if they can read on my forehead: please abuse me, please come take advantage of me, “wash your feet off of me”.
And where do I turn? No supporting parents or friends here...

So I sit here, with tremendous emotional pain, sometimes I scorch on the floor or in a bathtub weeping and asking God for help...and then the cycle repeats only to get me into a deeper hole.

Well, I can’t take it anymore.

They say: think about your family, your friends, your loved ones....to those who are talking suicide.

I don’t have any. I can’t think of 5 people who would be upset more that 5 min if I was gone.
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Old 01-08-20, 05:18 AM   #2
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good posting,very sincerely put...==So I sit here, with tremendous emotional pain, sometimes I scorch on the floor or in a bathtub weeping and asking God for help...and then the cycle repeats only to get me into a deeper hole.Well, I can’t take it anymore.
They say: think about your family, your friends, your loved ones....to those who are talking suicide.I don’t have any
I can’t think of 5 people who would be upset more that 5 min if I was gone...

my answer==you would be surprised how many people would be upset if you would be gonedespair is often felt very deeply and maybe you can bump your head against the wall,soak into self pity,blame the whole world,but better days are always coming...if we believe in a solution finally better feelings will arise and develop...we all wish you strenght in your battle..you will survive...take care..
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Old 01-08-20, 06:29 AM   #3
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Thanks TigerLover, I was hoping you’d be here.
I had a bad episode earlier, feeling better now....

TigerLover, do you believe our destiny is pre-written or we build it by every choice we make?

I’ve been debating about this after my painful episode. It gave me some sort of relief, at least I don’t blame and shame myself completely, but then I got upset thinking that if I was PRE destined to fail at something, no matter what I do, I won’t be able to change it....
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The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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Old 01-08-20, 03:56 PM   #4
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Thanks TigerLover, I was hoping you’d be here.
I had a bad episode earlier, feeling better now....

TigerLover, do you believe our destiny is pre-written or we build it by every choice we make?

I’ve been debating about this after my painful episode. It gave me some sort of relief, at least I don’t blame and shame myself completely, but then I got upset thinking that if I was PRE destined to fail at something, no matter what I do, I won’t be able to change it....
Could be that destiny is pre written??the eternal dilemma in the karma thing,i personally believe there could be a certain predestination in our life,but i reckon that mostly we are what we are,we go through life in pleasure,depression,anger,frustration and pain...it's a matter of how life treats us and how we often have to shape our own life/beliefs etc..it's a difficult question to answer really because it can depend on family situations,sexual issues,mental feelings,
relationships...the whole shabang how life treats us?we can make choices in life..yeah,but often other people come inbetween so that these choices get blurred or disturbed by circumstances we got no control over so to speak..changes in our life need willpower and determination and my OCD for instance was often an obstacle in taking important decisions...you know,life is not an easy thing to consider...
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Old 01-08-20, 04:10 PM   #5
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Sorry to hear you're feeling suicidal.

The fact is, no one is thinking, "she's lonely, she's weak, let's get her." Even if you totally embarrassed yourself and everyone laughed at you, they would forget about it an hour later. Don't believe me? Do you remember any of the people who were on the last talk show you watched? No, you don't. And they put all their dirty laundry out there in front of tens of millions of people. But an hour later, they were nowhere on your radar screen. So imagine, you not being famous and presumably never having appeared on TV, to all the "perps" out there.

As far as destiny. I don't believe in free will. I believe everything that happens to us or that we do is based on genes and environmental molding over time. So you are not responsible, nor is anyone else. Nature is to blame for our suffering.
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Old 01-09-20, 06:28 AM   #6
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**The fact is, nobody cares about anyone else**==wrong bet,l believe still lots of people care in the real sense of what caring means,for total pessimists/nihilists caring does not exist==it's total nothingness...wrong bet again... about free will or not...i leave it in the middle,you believe in it or you don't..it's all your definition of how you see it and how life gets at you..that goes for lots of life issues...

https://www.informationphilosopher.com/freedom/problem/
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Old 01-10-20, 09:19 PM   #7
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TigerLover I think I mostly agree with you...although at times my opinion shifts around...

SensualGirl, I already know that I am unimportant and insignificant ))) and not like in general, but also to the very small scale: even to people that I know and are relatives.

The perps I was describing are the people around you, in immediate circle, connection. You probably would be surprised to know that there are those that get off on hurting others in any way: small or big. It’s fun to them, brings excitement into their lives, cause they have no empathy. Who are the easiest to kick? Those that are already down. And yes, I’ve been let down by my family from the day I was born.
Recent events in short: my mom said it’s ok to suicide, and my dad abandoned me for the second time.
No matter how much I hide this, the “perps” can sense it, they are really good at reading people. (See Ted Bandy, how he picked his perfect victims).
So not really sure about your answer...I hope you are doing ok yourself 😉
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The essence of life is growth.

The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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Old 01-10-20, 09:51 PM   #8
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we can make choices in life..yeah,but often other people come inbetween so that these choices get blurred or disturbed by circumstances we got no control over so to speak..changes in our life need willpower and determination...
I agree with this. I think there could be times when we are facing something like “intersection” in life where we are given choices and then depending on the choice we pick the road from that point where we already can’t change the circumstances until the next intersection.

For instance. My last year was bad. By September I got myself together, made a new plan and started working towards it. Wasn’t easy, but situation was improving slowly.

One day my ex emailed me (blocked him everywhere else). He begged to talk, he said it was important. Small voice in my head said: don’t respond, block and forget, it’s a distraction.

Then memories of is together flooded in...I responded. Met with him...nothing has changed. That person is extremely toxic, especially to my fragile mental state. Being in the turmoil of emotional manipulation I’ve missed some deadlines on my plan. Trying to catch up I’ve made some mistakes, I got sick and my whole plan just went off track.

That had a great negative impact on me emotionally and psychologically. Out of the blue some girl from work that I barely know asked to stay with me. Feeling lonely and desperate, I thought she could keep me company (not that I told her anything, just a thought of having someone at home, when you come from work and ask you “how are you” was comforting). I was wrong. She wanted to live in my house yet not talk to me as if I didn’t even exist (ask me why: yes, there are some toxic people like this out there).

Now my mind was spinning thinking of possible reasons why would she act like I ain’t shit in my own house. That brain fog, and I made more mistakes and more bad decisions. Now in my plan I am back to September: basically I have to start all over.

You see: it’s not his fault, it’s not her fault, is MY fault for making that one bad choice, which caused that set of unfortunate events and set me 4 months back of hard work.

They say there is 1 sociopath in every 25 people and they pick their victims by certain traits, which I believe to have them all, because my mom raised me to be a doormat to her and everyone else out there, because my misery brings her entertainment.

It’s painful to be alone, but interacting with others is very risky for me, not having the tools and knowledge for healthy boundaries. Hopefully one day I can learn and find the balance.
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The essence of life is growth.

The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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Old 01-25-20, 09:55 AM   #9
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Hello insearchforpeople

In my opinion, one should not rely on someone else for their inner peace. So describing yourself as ''unimportant'' and ''insignificant'' is not valid. Everyone lives their own life's with their own hurdles to avoid along the way.
So you should focus on yourself and not what other people think about you. You are IMPORTANT for yourself, cause improving yourself (your mental state, personal development etc) is the only way for you to feel decent again and from then and on fight to find happiness. So you indeed are very important and significant being!

You should not consume even a split of your energy to make yourself important for other people especially for people that don't worth it. You first have to get to love yourself, and from the and on you can find love from other people too. Don't seek the opposite; wanting people to love you so you can love yourself! This way of thinking is toxic which makes you attract toxic people too! Be proud of who you are and be proud that you went through harsh events in your life but you are still here and fighting! Nobody is perfect! Even if it seems like your are left out, it's not the end of the world but it's the reality that most people are struggling with.

The most important think that we must realize is that we only have one life to live. It's a fact that we are gonna be 22 years old only once in our life. You are only gonna be 40 only once in your life. And it's also a fact that in 150 years from now nobody would remember you or me or any of us. So dont let the troubling past ruin your one and only life you are gonna live. Dont let the opinion of others ruin your mood and mental state cause as i told you life's is short to waste it on useless stuff that as i told you nobody would remember in 100 years for now.
Dont fight to feel important for other people in exchange for your mental disorder. Embrace that all these is just a part of life, and that you are no longer the person that that is running to flee from her toxic past and dysfunctional family but you are now the person that is running towards love, inner peace and happiness! Stop thinking negatively, get rid of toxic stuff in your life...

Only when you start thinking and positively you will attract positive things in your life. It's the same thing as you do now, where you think negative stuff and negative stuff come in your way

I know it's easier said than done but hey, it's my short and ONLY life that i will ever live in this place and i want to find happiness and taste the sweet flavor of love and joy so NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS, so i am gonna fight for it! Would you fight for yours?
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Old 02-02-20, 09:07 PM   #10
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Hello insearchforpeople

In my opinion, one should not rely on someone else for their inner peace. So describing yourself as ''unimportant'' and ''insignificant'' is not valid. Everyone lives their own life's with their own hurdles to avoid along the way.
So you should focus on yourself and not what other people think about you. You are IMPORTANT for yourself, cause improving yourself (your mental state, personal development etc) is the only way for you to feel decent again and from then and on fight to find happiness. So you indeed are very important and significant being!

You should not consume even a split of your energy to make yourself important for other people especially for people that don't worth it. You first have to get to love yourself, and from the and on you can find love from other people too. Don't seek the opposite; wanting people to love you so you can love yourself! This way of thinking is toxic which makes you attract toxic people too! Be proud of who you are and be proud that you went through harsh events in your life but you are still here and fighting! Nobody is perfect! Even if it seems like your are left out, it's not the end of the world but it's the reality that most people are struggling with.

The most important think that we must realize is that we only have one life to live. It's a fact that we are gonna be 22 years old only once in our life. You are only gonna be 40 only once in your life. And it's also a fact that in 150 years from now nobody would remember you or me or any of us. So dont let the troubling past ruin your one and only life you are gonna live. Dont let the opinion of others ruin your mood and mental state cause as i told you life's is short to waste it on useless stuff that as i told you nobody would remember in 100 years for now.
Dont fight to feel important for other people in exchange for your mental disorder. Embrace that all these is just a part of life, and that you are no longer the person that that is running to flee from her toxic past and dysfunctional family but you are now the person that is running towards love, inner peace and happiness! Stop thinking negatively, get rid of toxic stuff in your life...

Only when you start thinking and positively you will attract positive things in your life. It's the same thing as you do now, where you think negative stuff and negative stuff come in your way

I know it's easier said than done but hey, it's my short and ONLY life that i will ever live in this place and i want to find happiness and taste the sweet flavor of love and joy so NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS, so i am gonna fight for it! Would you fight for yours?
Hi there. You might had perfectly good intentions replying to my post. Or not. Either way, it looks to me like you are projecting may be your own situation onto me? Or your perception of my post is way off. Or may be your post is just standard cliche positive motivational essay (are you a bot?)))

None of what you said is relevant to my post, my concerns and my troubles.

Anyways, thanks for the input.
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The essence of life is growth.

The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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