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I am a piece of shit.

This is a discussion on I am a piece of shit. within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I just noticed that your moderator edited out the worst parts out of my post (as well as all the ...

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Old 11-20-10, 05:22 PM   #11
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I just noticed that your moderator edited out the worst parts out of my post (as well as all the people telling me what they *really* thought of me). No wonder people were acting so supportive. That kind of says something, doesn't it? That I have to hide things about myself in order for people to give a shit? This is why therapy will never work for me - therapy requires one to be honest, and if I'm ever honest, then I will be despised.

Today, I lost it and screamed my boss down in front of everyone. It was for some stupid bullshit policy, but really, any time this guy ever says anything to me it makes me want to bust in the window of his Mustang, pour in a gallon of gasoline, and toss in a lit match. There's no word for sure, but odds are I'm fired.

This is kind of an ongoing pattern for me. This will be the ninth job I've been fired from (out of ten jobs I've ever had), and the sixth job I've been fired from for telling off the boss.

I'm just not the kind who can eat shit. I know that society requires you to bend over and lick your bosses' shoes, but I just fucking can't. I really have no idea how people tolerate it. How can a few moments of pleasure in your life be worth the mouthfuls and mouthfuls and mouthfuls of shit that you have to eat?

It doesn't matter. My wife just walked out on me (she'll be back, though. She always comes back). I've got a pint of vodka in my stomach and I feel like hurting myself. I know I probably won't die from it; I never do. Tomorrow morning, as always, I'll look myself in the mirror and say, "Goddammit, I woke up." That will probably all get edited out, but oh well. God forbid I should be honest while crying for help on a suicide forum.

Last edited by Ella; 11-21-10 at 08:09 PM. Reason: suicide methods not allowed
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Old 11-20-10, 05:37 PM   #12
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You seem like a pretty tough guy, Omnicidal. And you're obviously intelligent and self-aware. Frankly, you've got some pretty good resources for overcoming your problems, even if you do feel at wit's end. I'm not going to lie to your face and tell you it's going to be easy, but I think you could beat this if you really wanted to.
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Old 11-22-10, 08:24 AM   #13
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omnicidal, i'm with you in very similar pain. i, too, am not allowed to share most of myself with anyone. i am forced to lie, forced to pretend that i'm nice and okay, so people won't walk away from me. my parents were both sociopaths, and i thought i could avoid the ruthlessness by being honest at all costs. well, i'm finding that lying is required if i am to not to be alone. i have skills when it comes to lying because my parents were experts and i absorbed much through osmosis. i hate lying though, because my mom and dad used lies to trick me into sex, among other things. it brings me such pain to lie. yet i am forced to do it every day. forced to eat shit so that i look more palatable to others. it's not my fault i was abused, not my fault others are ignorant and prejudiced, and even though it is not my fault, i still have to pay. it is unfair. i hate people everywhere, and i hate myself, because of it.
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Old 12-06-10, 10:38 AM   #14
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getting better isn't easy or pretty, i've found, and having a place to vent, to express those not-so-pretty feelings, has been very helpful for me. i hope you hang in there and give yourself a chance. easier said than done, i know.

all the best,
Hootspa

Last edited by Ella; 12-09-10 at 07:50 AM.
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Old 12-06-10, 01:50 PM   #15
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Omnicidal, therapy isn't just for people who are dealing with small challenges. It is also for people who are dealing with big, complicated stuff. If you don't feel comfortable telling them everything you put on your posts here, start with what you DO feel comfortable sharing and go from there.
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Old 03-31-12, 03:48 AM   #16
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It always feels better when you know your not alone. How closely to I focus on my problems with a magnafing glass. Not at all and yet I see so many problems the world finds with me. I see alot of it in myself. relationships with people I messed up but did not think about it at the time relationships I messed up with my family. relationships I messed up between two or more people on this earth. My deal is I want to help this person in a way,but in another way I don't think that they are able to deem themselves as what they say because they sound like they have not got to the point of the how can you live with yourself stage on a regular basis. To see it in the world how your a piece of sh%^ is one thing like the general disrespect for your person. Prejudice against your person is even another. but when I dove into the actual reasons that make me more worthy its the truth answers that need answered in my life. Questions like where i live and what makes that fit in the big picture. and ya know what I need to answer those questions but when I see the reasons that I took. Yes i end up living where I live but I got it all wrong diffinently. On a day by day basis I have to fight the reasons that I cannot produce because of choices I made in the past. Can I stand before a jury of some my friends and say that I am not guilty no. but I am the one to bring truth right now at this point in time. for the betterment of man. The image I live is real clean like I am doing all that I need and what picture perfect. and it just feels right, but on the other hand I don't have the answers to help my friends and former marines. I did not stick to my values and that why I am where I am at. but a marine sticks to there values former or not. I get to read about a former marine get f%^ked around bucause of something stupid they did after the marines not anything big in the life of a regular person(civilian). To think they are going to pay for that small screw up far more then I will pay for my big screw ups! He feels like a battle buddy or something that the military calls it in the end I want to be his friend even more a real person on level. The type of friend that is the ideal friend seeing things for what they are and not creating a good time from nothing and being presentable and listening in real time. I think about how i was born and raised pure of chairactor when I remember talking to them. but I was not a good friend and I have gotten rewarded in life right off of that and they will continue to get screwed around in life because of the values that they set on themselves and it makes me wish. God does it make me wish I would have gotten to know this person more in my life I want to defend him but I was guilty like all the others that have stood before them. and they(this person of quality) does not quit they are a fighter thats what the marines taught them. they will keep taking it to a higher and higher court on this earth until they see justice, but because of people like me riddling there life it continues to fall on def ears. I played my piece of shit role and smiled and did not think that it hurt them but in long run it did,but thats not directly why but it is. and the people in these court rooms for them(the one that seeks justice) are nothing but faloneious. no matter how high they take it. I get to sit right here and know all of that. What can I do to help them move ahead in life. Tell the truth to them and face the facts and take the punches. They are not that type of person! they're passive. forget about it. its a question I need in order to follow my true person and be at one with who I am, but because I made that mistake. I will not be able to follow my life the way I need to in that respect I need to accept that I am a piece of shit!
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Old 03-31-12, 04:09 AM   #17
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I will admit it here today right now. It had to do with a marines wife fuckin faster then his own logic no matter how truthful he gets a lawer to fight fight for him shill fuck him and that lawyer will rewrite those plans shill fuck the jury the judge have it all fucked up for him. and me I was one of those people she fucked and him a former marine of good quality I like him very much also they were two of the best friends I ever had in my life. but you can't have both situations not really if you want to know your real person.
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Old 11-01-12, 01:00 AM   #18
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This bulliten board software is a piece of shit. I had written a nice long post and now its totally gone. Thank you.

If anyone should kill him/her self its the person who programmed this bulliten board. Fuckin hate you.

good bye.
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