Help me, I can't see clear
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Help me, I can't see clear

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Old 11-07-10, 03:48 PM   #1
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To be honest I didn't really know where to put such a thread, and some parts of the forum is closed as well. But anyway, I feel I might really need to share this since it has bothered me so much recently.

So okay, here it goes. Ever since I was 15 years old I've had this vision of me in the future, that I am to die before I turn 22. And I've really tried hard to not believe in that crap, but it seems impossible. And now it's just 5 months until I actually turn 22. And I seem to get worse and worse health both physically and mentally as the time goes by. My headaches started when I was about 15-16, can't really remember, and I always feel week and tired no matter how much sleep or food or exercise I get. I always feel terribly stressed and can't really focus and all those depression traits which has really worn me out. And now things are even worse, I have severe insomnia since about 3 months, have absolutely no appetite what so ever so I have to force the food into me to not starve to death. The headaches are worse. My self esteem has gotten really low and I always see myself as a failure whenever something (anything really) goes wrong.

It has basically gone so far I don't really think I have that much to live for. I keep saying to myself that love is the reason I go on. Love to my family and friends, love to that guy I might not even have a chance on. And then we get to the next problem. I knew it was love at first sight immediately that first day in my new class Monday 23rd August. But I didn't really want to fall for him, cause I knew I might not survive being heart broken at this time. But I should really know by now that you can't control feelings that strong. At least I cant, but then again, there's not much I actually can control. So I fell for this guy, and I have since that time reached to a fairly good, but kind of shallow friendship with him. Ok, it's only been a few months, but still. I'm naturally very shy and this guy is very outgoing and friendly to most people but doesn't seem to be interested in something romantic. I feel I have a really hard time connecting him, at the same time as I'm so scared of losing him in the meaning of losing the possibilities to ever be with him by screwing something up right now.

It's his birthday December 13th. I plan to give him something and possibly reach out to him somehow, at least some more. But I'm scared at the same time. I know this absolutely has a lot to do with me thinking that I am running out of time, and I don't want to die without even trying. At the same time it feels like I'm putting up my own death date too early, cause I know I won't survive being broken hearted again. Not again. I can't. I know I will try to kill myself if he rejects me somehow.

And as you see I'm not really afraid of dying itself, rather scared of what my own ghosts and thoughts really can do to me. And that by making this become so real in my mind, I might actually be capable of making it real in reality, in a subconscious kind of way. Cause the power of the mind is so strong, and I think I'm more scared of that power than anything else.

I know this sounds really stupid to believe in that vision I had 6, almost 7 years ago, but darkness has catch up with me and I am really, really scared right now. I need help to see clear so I don't just lose myself completely in this fog. And by the way I've got an appointment with a new shrink on the 14th of December. Don't you just love that timing?

Any help appreciated.
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Old 11-07-10, 04:13 PM   #2
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if you are having a real tough time, may I suggest visiting the emergency room?
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Old 11-07-10, 04:26 PM   #3
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Emergency room?
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Old 11-08-10, 09:09 PM   #4
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No it's not an emergency as such, I know I wont do anything until at least after his birthday. But that's basically it. So I'm kinda afe for a few weeks but I feel I'm running out of time. Or I don't know, it's like the time until the 13th is running up too fast but the time after that, if it exists, will be like living on borrowed time. Which is stupid somehow, I know.
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Old 11-18-10, 08:18 PM   #5
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parts of your post make A LOT of sense to me because i can relate, but not necessarily for the same reasons. i feel like my time is running short ALL the time. and i have this feeling that i'll be dead by the time i'm 30, at the latest. <- but that's because i'm almost positive i'll end up attempting suicide and SUCCEEDING by that age.
so maybe you can just tell yourself this: even if your time truly IS running out, you can never know, and so you must press on with all your strength through the days until your birthday. hopefully, you'll then be able to let go of the thought of being dead by 22. good luck
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Old 11-19-10, 12:09 AM   #6
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It sounds like you suffer from an intrusive thought/obsession. I suffer from one myself, though I've been working through it and making some progress. I totally get what you're saying about being afraid of the power of your own mind. I've had exactly the same thought about thinking about something so vividly that it could come true.

To begin with, obsessing about something will not make it true. Thousands of people who suffer from similar illnesses can attest to that, so your logic is not correct there. The things that these people obsess about don't come to pass, so there is no reason to assume that your obsession will either. That is just the illness talking, not cold hard facts.

The second thing is that you can use the power of your mind to aid you by turning it into your ally. Your mind IS powerful, and your body also has a powerful will to live, so in a sense you already have two allies on your side. Imagine how it would feel to be absolutely in control of your mind, able to easily brush aside negative thoughts and images. This person is inside of you, every bit as real as the negative 'fake' you that is giving you fearful images and thoughts. Focus on that powerful you, the one that is strong, confident, and in control. Give it your energy and attention. Help it grow until you start feeling the strength and confidence in your veins and muscles. Brush aside those negative thoughts. They're not real. They're images from a nightmare that you can wake up from. You can sweep them aside and forget about them. When they come back, just look at them disdainfully, make the image dull, boring, colorless. Don't look on the future as borrowed time, look on it as your right. You deserve to have that future, and you can have that future and it can be a good future if you're willing to work for it.

I wish you the very, very best. Sending good vibrations your way.
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