I'm not sure if this is going to be very structured as my mind is all over the place with this, but i will try anyway.
I have suffered from depression and self hatred for years now and i learned to live with it. That was until i met this guy and everything went away , i finally was happy with my life and i felt i belonged somewhere and that i had a purpose. Nobody could compare to him, honestly. I'm not naive to 'love' , i've had many relationships and the love i felt for him was on another scale even compared to a two year relationship i had. Everything was perfect , he is everything i would want in a partner. I lost him and i told myself at first that i would get over it. I'm not over it and i have no bad feelings towards him even though he hurt me. I was with someone else but i think i have lost the ability to feel for anyone else as nobody can compare to him, i feel no attraction for anyone else at all. If you were to ask for my one wish it would be to be with him , i honestly don't see myself finding anyone better or anyone other i would be happy with.
Anyhow, after loosing him my depression hit hard straight away again , i'm really struggling to cope finding a reason to be here or a purpose. The happiest i felt was with him and i believe he is the only person that could do that to me. Therefore i do not see there is any point to life if i cannot be happy in life, if i'm not good enough for what i love , why should i bother being here?
I hate myself so much for the reason he won't be with me. I need a reason to be here , i wish i was happy.