"have you thought about suicide?"
Take This Life  

Go Back   Take This Life > Challenges > Suicide Forums > Suicide


"have you thought about suicide?"

This is a discussion on "have you thought about suicide?" within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; Coming home from therapy, that's what kept going through my mind. And it wasn't in a "im worrying about you" ...

join us
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-20-11, 02:50 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 721
My Mood:
Default "have you thought about suicide?"

Coming home from therapy, that's what kept going through my mind. And it wasn't in a "im worrying about you" inquiring type way.

It was more of the tone that you hear on those infomercials selling random stuff for your house... "have you thought about refinancing your home?!?!"

I couldn't tell her anything today, was quiet for most of the time, was hesistant about seeing her, arrived halfway through the session, she just kept asking me questions. I would zone out, or just say generic answers.

Some people in my life have said to fake everything until it becomes naturally happy. I can't do that whole "act like nothing's wrong" facade that people seem to be able to do so well. If I'm pissed, you'll see it, if I'm depressed, you'll see it. That shit doesn't work for me.

Walking home from her office, random ass thoughts came into my head, can I throw a quarter at a car and have it bounce off somehow and hit me really fast in the head? Can I take the skateboard from that guy and start a fight with him?

I'm still irritated, couldn't wait to get out of the building. People laughing about stuff, felt like they were mocking me somehow. Very tense.

Now I feel pathetic for being a guy and almost crying like 10 times. This is fucking stupid. It seems to be, that slowly my mind is getting more and more of these depressive episodes, and that soon enough I'll get a sign to go ahead and off myself...
__________________
**** potato ****
PheonixBomb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-11, 07:27 PM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 721
My Mood:
Default

Everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I want to punch said mirror.
__________________
**** potato ****
PheonixBomb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-11, 09:17 PM   #3
Junior Member
 
BrandNewDay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 65
My Mood:
Default

Have you considered writing down some of these things that you are saying here, and giving that to your therapist? I know that must sound scary, and would make you feel vulnerable, but it seems that it might be a slightly easier way for you to reach out to you therapist with more than just the generic answers you say that you have been giving. Any clues that you can give to your therapist into what is going on inside your mind may help him/her to help you open up.

I have also walked by people laughing and thought that they were laughing at me, I think it happens to many people, but it only happens when you were already feeling terrible about yourself. When you get caught up in your own emotions, you see everything through a filter of that emotion. Just as if you were wearing green tinted glasses, you would assume that everything is green.

Also, I am not a guy, so I cannot give personal examples about feeling like you cry to much for a guy. But I would like to say that it is important to remember that it feels wrong to you to cry so much as a guy, only because our culture has taught you that. And that is a terribly harmful fact. Crying is a way of letting out emotions. Men are taught to hold in their emotions, or worse, not have any strong emotions. I hope that you can reconsider your crying as a sign that you are actually letting out your emotions and exploring them.

I think that trying to reach out to your therapist a little more is your best option right now, but if you would like to ask me any more questions, feel free to respond. I would like to help you on your journey and, believe me, there will be better days.
BrandNewDay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-21-11, 05:46 AM   #4
TTL Gold Member
 
Strawbean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: after continental drift, 6159' & 932'
Posts: 11,029
My Mood:
Default

I think we all have "good days" and "bad days" in therapy.
Some days it's "easier" to talk, other days it's like being in a fog, not existing, or not wanting to exist there. not wanting to deal with things.
It does get easier in time.
Do you like your therapist? Do you feel a connection with him/her?
I have been there - being really angry with myself, being angry with every stupid idiot who smiled, kissed, walked by laughing.. like how dare they feel happy? etc.
I've been so angry with myself, have wanted to hurt myself, have wanted to punish myself... (have done so at times, yeah)
sorry it seems to be getting harder. I've read articles about how guys have an especially hard time with depression, especially bc it's not considered "manly" to cry. that's bullshit. everyone cries, everyone feels. it's wrong to say that a person can't feel because of their gender.
It's okay. It's not wrong to feel. It's not wrong to cry, to express.
One other thing - I don't believe that there's any such thing as a sign. There is a person who is feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, miserable.. who is tired of it all, and would like a reason to kill oneself. But an actual sign, saying, hey do it? No, I don't believe in any such thing. Please don't try to fool yourself into thinking that this comes from outside you.
You're here, you're talking, you're trying. All this hurts, very much. I know it sucks. But talking, writing + connecting helps.
Please try to keep doing so. TTL is always here, and people are always listening + reading.
__________________
confuses fiction with reality
Strawbean is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-21-11, 09:14 AM   #5
Junior Member
 
BrandNewDay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 65
My Mood:
Default

I try to think of all of my experiences as learning experiences. Maybe one day you will meet this amazing girl, but she has also been through some tough times. Think about how well you would be able to understand each other. Do you think a carefree, happy go lucky guy would be able to sit with her and her negative emotions and understand like you would?

I hope that you can find some people that you can trust. Your therapist should be someone that you can trust, remember she is sitting there in that office because she wants to help you. It's when people are out to just do things for their own benefit that you can't usually trust them. I of course do not know your therapist. Could you talk to her about this trust issue? Or even just ask her why she is a therapist? Maybe she will tell you some things that will help you trust her.
BrandNewDay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-11, 07:25 PM   #6
Junior Member
 
BrandNewDay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 65
My Mood:
Default

I would be careful about believe the things that you read, often times they are just opinions or they are exaggerating the information. Every life is unique and you need to try to just do the things that make you happy. I know people who would call themselves gamers who are happy and who are in relationships. I hope you can find a way to turn you day around, or at least start over brand new tomorrow.
BrandNewDay is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:26 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Shoutbox provided by vBShout v6.2.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
 

Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.3.2