Feeling powerless and worthless
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Feeling powerless and worthless

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Old 10-18-18, 09:20 PM   #1
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Default Feeling powerless and worthless

I have been going through a divorce and custody battle for two and a half years. My children aren't even 3 years old yet, and they barely know me because my ex has been fighting and winning in court to prevent me from seeing them. It looks like she is going to win that permanently soon.

There's nothing else in my life I care about. I hate myself and I don't believe I can ever get any better. I've tried everything, medication, therapy, you name it, for nearly 20 years. No matter how I've tried to be a better person and build a stable life, it all ends badly because I'm fundamentally a bad person. There is something broken and messed up beyond repair in me.

I don't deserve to live. I think the only thing that has stopped me from killing myself is that I'm afraid. I almost pray that things get so bad that I will get over that fear, because I am so unhappy every day. The only other thing I feel besides despair is anger at having to keep living through this without end.

I don't have anybody that cares about me because who would want to be around such a miserable person? If I died, it really wouldn't have a lasting effect on anyone. I am alone. Please just let this end. I'm begging. Please. I don't want to be here anymore.

People keep telling me to hang on, it will get better, you can't give up. I'm sick of hearing that. I DON'T WANT TO EXPERIENCE THIS ANYMORE. Why can't people understand that? There must be some way out. I don't know what to do.
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Old 10-19-18, 03:42 PM   #2
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Default Re: Feeling powerless and worthless

Hello there! I'm full of compassion for you.

I have felt quite desperate about myself too - it's such a crippling, horrible thought that "if I died, it wouldn't really have a lasting effect on anyone." Self-loathing and despair are things I too have known intimately, although probably not in the same way as you.
I won't tell you to Hang On, or that it will get better, or that you have to accept being as you are, to live with the bad things you see inside yourself.
But if you don't like being the way you are, it's possible to change yourself, even if that goes against everything that everyone is always saying. I know it because I've experienced it. Everyone thinks that something broken is just broken. Nobody wants to try being a mechanic, to open it up and find and repair the problem. But it is ABSOLUTELY possible to repair it, especially if you are really fed up of being unhappy and you're not afraid of changing. If it's okay to write a link, there's a website here that I've found really interesting and useful: It's called "School of the Kicking Donkey." I promise it's worth giving it a look.
Again, I am full of compassion for you. I hope you get to read this message. Maybe it's of no use whatsoever, but I hope it is.
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Old 10-20-18, 11:28 AM   #3
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Hi HangingOn:

I don't know how you would believe me but I GET everything you are saying. You have described much of what I feel. I do not want this anymore. I so believe what you said when you try for so many years to fix things and it is like quicksand and life circumstances just keeps getting worse and worse. I oftentimes listen to good hearted advice that things will get better and just think if only this was just a one time type of problems. I think problems become so entrenched in us that we lose hope because we have TRIED EVERYTHING to fix it and nothing works.

For me I cannot relate to saying I am a bad person. I just am tired of all the bad circumstances, that are not my fault upon reflection and in therapy, coming my way in succession without respite. The circumstances just topple on more situations and misfortune that is becomes so overwhelming that suicide sounds like a good option. I SO GET IT!!

I think my question if I may is why do you consider yourself a bad person? If you would like to share with us.

I like nutmeg tree's response in that she feels so much compassion for you.
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Old 10-20-18, 12:18 PM   #4
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I'm alone, so I appreciate anyone who cares and won't abandon me. My experience is that when you don't get better, people feel you are not trying hard enough, so they get tired of dealing with your depression and associated stuff, and you lose that relationship. My pattern is that I get better for a short period of time, and then I always get derailed... it seems impossible for me to maintain. I don't know how I can keep believing that I can get better when that happens over and over again... I attempt the things people say I should try, but in the end, I just wind up failing, over and over.

The reason I feel I am a bad person is that I always seem to alienate people, and although I have tried to be a different way, it seems my true self always comes out eventually. It's like trying to be an actor on a stage, except that you're trying to perform 24 hours every day. Eventually you're going to slip up, and when people see my true self, they don't seem to like it. That's why I have no friends. I've tried to change these things they don't like about me, but they seem to be a fundamental part of my personality, maybe from my developmental disability (I have Asperger's), maybe from upbringing, maybe some of both. A few months ago, I wrote a list of the qualities I have that people don't like:

1) I tend to obsess about things, and can come across to others as annoyingly persistent

2) I get emotionally worked up very easily and overreact

3) I am socially awkward and uncomfortable

4) I can be overly blunt to the point of coming across to others as rude or arrogant

5) I am often unaware of how others will react to what I say and how I act, until it's too late

6) I am deeply insecure

7) I can get paranoid

8) I wear my emotions on my sleeve

9) When I get upset or hurt, I can become petty and vindictive, and say hurtful things impulsively

10) When I get depressed or paranoid, I withdraw and isolate

I've tried, over and over, but I can't seem to change these things no matter what I do. So if these things are really who I am, then I'm not a good person who does bad things... I'm just fundamentally a bad person.
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Old 10-22-18, 06:12 AM   #5
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I think a fundamentally bad person would be a sociopath and sociopaths aren't aware their faults, nor are narcissists. So no, I don't think you're fundamentally bad. I'm sorry you're feeling down.
High hopes faint on a warm hearth stone; she travels the fastest who travels alone.
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Old 10-22-18, 09:56 PM   #6
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Hi HangingOn. Thank you for clarifying on my question. I see.

At the beginning I honestly thought I was reading part of one of my past posts. I so get it. You have blips of time where there is hope or blips of time where things are going well but it always gets derailed. That is me to a t. I have tried to fix it over and over and over and over again but it results in failure.

Thank you for explaining you have Aspergers. That explains some of what you described. Some of those things also describe what people are now calling highly sensitive individuals. This has been confused with Borderline Personality but I feel it is different. HSI's are actually more aware of there environment, they notice the details, they feel things differently than others and more deeply. I feel I have that. It is a blessing and a curse rather. It causes a lot of issues in communication with me and it frustrates the hell out of me. It is to the point where I feel I am speaking a foreign language to people.

You wrote so articulately and I know you have been told this before but those with Aspergers are wicked smart. The petty and vindictive part you spoke about can be changed. I have some of that problem with those I am close to because I want them to so badly understand me and oftentimes when they do not it makes me so angry. I am working on it.

I assume you have seen many therapists for assistance but it has been unsuccessful?

Agreed with SensualGirl re: psychopathy and narcissism. I worked professionally with these types of individuals. Certain ones their eyes look like glass and they have no regard for humanity except for their own selves.
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Old 10-23-18, 12:11 AM   #7
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I didn't know that there was a classification for it... I have been told I am "too sensitive" but not in a good way... it's usually said to mean weak or unstable, which is big part of why I feel unworthy of being loved by anyone, because I figure most people feel it's not worth the effort of dealing with a "high maintenance" person like that. I try to tell myself I am not a one-way person... that I try to give back in relationships, be there for people, support them, comfort them.... but perhaps because of the way I am, maybe I need more than most others, so there will always be an imbalance in those relationships.

I have seen therapists for many years... the current one for about 5 years now. I don't know if a change in therapists will help, unless I could find one that has dealt with someone like me before and has an idea of what to do. Right now, I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels.... I don't know if it's that the advice she gives me isn't helpful, or I'm not receptive enough, or what.

I mostly become petty and vindictive when I'm hurt... and I try to avoid being hurt by keeping my distance from people. But when I do get hurt, it's so painful to me that I lash out to somehow relieve that feeling of being victimized... like a defense mechanism, maybe. I think the person on the other end of it can't conceive of why I would be so upset as to react that way, and if I try to explain it, they don't seem to care, which just hurts even more.

I don't think I'm a sociopath because I do care about other people, even people I don't know. And I love my little girls more than anything and it is draining the will to live out of me not to be able to see them. But even though I'm not a sociopath, I feel like all these negative things about me make me a waste of resources and unworthy of existence.
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Old 02-08-19, 10:53 AM   #8
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Hey there,

I just wanted to say that your post kind of hit close to home for me.

Divorces and custody battles are some of the most stressful things a person can go through in their life; I understand all too well how it can make one feel hopeless and powerless. It seems to go on with no clear end in site, and it's easy to lose hope that it will ever be fully resolved.

That's quite spiteful of your ex to prevent you from seeing your children. I understand what it's like to miss them, and to miss out on watching them grow. I can see that your children are very important to you and that you love them very much. They deserve to have you in their lives.

I am curious as to what reason(s) your ex is using in court to prevent you from having any custody or contact with your children?

My situation is similar to yours but from a different perspective; instead of being a parent that has divorced and is being prevented from seeing their children, I am the (grownup) child of the divorced relationship that is being prevented from seeing my younger siblings because I stood up to my abusive parent. It's very messy, but I've tried to summarise it as basic as possible.

Your children are a lot younger than my siblings and I were when our parents separated; your children have a lot of years of childhood ahead of them so there's still a lot of hope that you'll be a part of their lives again. The plus side to your children being so young is that they will still have a strong sense of intuition which can protect and guide them.

I can say for certain that if you were to die, it would have a very deep impact on your children that will affect them for the rest of their lives; your children would never have the opportunity to see you ever again, and you would never have the opportunity to see your children ever again. I understand though that you really just want to end the pain.

You've mentioned that you have Asperger's. I myself suspect that I may have Asperger's or Autism Spectrum Disorder, though I haven't been assessed. Being a bit different from most of the people you know doesn't make you broken or a bad person. Going through something stressful like a divorce can compound one's insecurities and make them feel more overwhelming.

From what you've said, I get the impression that you don't know a lot of people who understand or are supportive of Asperger Syndrome or know other people that have it as well; that can make one feel very alone and out-of-place. I am curious if you have much support from your family or from professionals?

If I've learned anything from what I've been through at all, it'd be that going through difficult times can be extremely isolating, physically and/or emotionally. Meeting other people (online or offline) who have been through or are going through what you are going through can be incredibly validating and eye-opening. I'd suggest searching for support groups for people with Asperger's, and support groups for people who are going through custody battles and nasty divorces. You are not the only one who is going through all of this and there are others who can and will understand you.

I think it would be worthwhile to research and find a professional that specialises in adults with Asperger's or Autism. You mentioned that you've been seeing a therapist for 5 years, but I get the impression that it hasn't really done much for you. I don't believe the problem is with you, or necessarily with your therapist either; perhaps they are simply not trained to know how to properly deal with people with Asperger's.

I hope you have a wonderful day. Take care!
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