My life really has been one mistake after another my dad went to prison when I was younger my mums profession body building is quite selfish so for alot of my teen years me and my brother came home to no1 i used to cook for us etc , I got raped when I was 14 kicked out of school months after it happening I told my mum about it a year later and blamed my dad massively for not being there to protect me from there I was in the wrong crowds drugs never paying for it but whatever it was if it was there I would take it anyway got raped again actually drugged without concent anyway my wreckless way of living changed the day I had an abortion at 17 years of age I regretted this decision but at the time it felt like the right choice I had split up with my 1st serious relationship slept with him after him dumping me felt stupid had a shower and slept with a previous fling in my head this made sense looking back now sounds stupid , anyway started talking to another person from my past one that I never really gave the chance because he didn't used to bother to come and see me anyway he says everything supportive that anyone that just went though an abortion would want to hear so despite vowing to myself to never go with another man I fall for him badly become very attached and feel like I need him he cheats on me loads I don't really notice at 1st to much but when our 1st child comes along and he sends pictures of her to girls he has saved under boys names etc anyway year after year girl after girl 12 years 4 kids and pregnant the last girl he met up with In my car and she worked at the garage up the road from our house the girl before her killed me inside but I truly believed that was the last time stupidly I found out about the last last one 2 years later whilst I was asking him for his phone for a banana cake recipe as my phone had died and I was mid way though making it for him he was acting shady I found a fake Facebook in which he was trying to rekindle things with her anyway fast forward to now I'm 29 years old 20months pregnant , I honestly do not remember the last time I felt like myself even a little im a shell of who I used to be I can litterally drive along and want to smash into cars going the other direction still even now I don't get the right support from him you can clear see from me physically that I'm not mentally stable and he just watches me suffer messy house etc he won't do anything im litterally depressed to the point I do not bath mayb wash certain areas etc but thats it I can't get out of bed etc and on top of this I'm expected to solely entertain our children constantly I love my kids I really do but its not easy parenting when you yourself are so lost and just pretty much a shell of whoever you used to be so we've been arguing alot I've kicked him out alot also partly finding shit on his phone partly because I'm broken and screaming for help my family don't get it im sick of telling my friends the same thing over and over I just feel trapped and I just want how I feel to end I feel like I am in a darkness that I cannot overcome the only thing keeping me alive is my kids but I'm no good for them like this an I hate it and i hate myself and I just wanna end it all all the time

Hello Angelwings. Welcome.

You've been on a very tough road.

It is definitely not solely your responsibility to take care of the house and your kids. It's unfair for you to deal with that alone. I want you to know though that you aren't alone. If nothing else, even your kids can help out with the house if you need them to take a little bit of the pressure off, and they'll acquire useful skills in doing so. Honestly I wish my own parents got me to do chores more often.

And no one should EVER be forced to decide whether to keep a child at 17.

And maybe you were in the wrong crowd when you were younger. That's not entirely your fault either. A lot of people get pushed in certain ways and to do certain things and your parents needed to guide you in the right direction, and they didn't.

I don't think you are in a darkness that you can't overcome. Seeing the darkness for what it is, is just the first step.

Take care of yourself. Breathe. Bathe. Relax. Make time to put yourself first, in whatever ways you can. When you are enjoying your time with your kids, be in the moment and take a second to think about how good that feels.

I hope these things will help, at least a little.

Angelwings, welcome. That sounds so difficult to get through. I think that you, like all mums who don't get proper support and help from their partners, are a hero. That's my sincere opinion.

You have been given a serious challenge to overcome and you need help. It's good that you're here - I find that writing things down, though it doesn't change the circumstances, somehow makes things "move along" inside oneself.

I don't know what country you're in and you needn't tell us, but there must be resources for mums like yourself. are you in the UK by any chance? I'd be more than happy to do some quick research and find you a place where you can ask for help.

You know better than anyone else what kind of help is needed most urgently - whether it's arranging for someone to houseclean 1-2x a month or babysit or help your older ones with schoolwork or something, or whether the first thing you need to do is get some therapy and/or meds for yourself. If a helpful third party were there right now and gave you one free wish, what would you like them to do?

I am rooting for you.