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This is a discussion on Fallen within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I had a shitty day, i feel like crap. Despite all of great people that helped me here and tried ...

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Old 08-12-14, 06:41 PM   #1
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I had a shitty day, i feel like crap. Despite all of great people that helped me here and tried to help me, i cant seem to get better. Nothing i do gives results. I try to fight, i fall down, i try to get up i get knocked down again.

I self-harmed again. Looks like rough night is ahead of me, i am so filled with some unexplained misery and rage and i dont know, like the waterfall of bad emotions, like cocktail with every bad feeling.

Today was the birthday of one person i appreciate a lot and consider maybe even a best friend (thats a sad fact). I met her by accident in city, she looked suprised (in bad way), i congratulated her birthday, and we talked a bit, she seemed distant and when we parted, i met another friend who asked me if i am going to her birthday party today!!!! I am worthless , just a piece of trash, that everyone like hurting.

Looks like i must find a suicide hot-line number for my country, if i plan on making through the night. I am just so pathetic.
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Old 08-12-14, 06:51 PM   #2
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That person sounds like a shit, to not letting you know about the party and acting cold even though you care so much. And you are not pathetic, you just care that's all. And you aren't a trash at all. I don't know if this would ever help, but from the really little time i know you, i thought you are an amazing person. I see that you are always trying to give advice to people despite the fact you also need it and i admire it. Please don't hurt yourself because that friend is an asshole :/
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Old 08-12-14, 06:59 PM   #3
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you're not pathetic.. please don't think that...

and please be safe...

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che e una brava ragazza....
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Old 08-12-14, 07:05 PM   #4
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Thank you both for replies and kind words, i am more calm atm, but still extremely, ugh indescribable, feeling worthless and suicidal, i just think i will have to try sleeping it off, or finidng a suicide hotline here. :( Thank you both.
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Old 08-12-14, 07:10 PM   #5
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Try to listen some calming music or reading something that would take your mind off. Or rather sleep like you suggested, a warm chocolate or milk would help. And i will tell it again, you are not worthless.

Also, is there any hotline for Serbia? I can look for one as well.

Last edited by Ametika; 08-12-14 at 07:13 PM.
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Old 08-13-14, 12:23 AM   #6
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Though it is so painful and though it all seems like a broken record (I know that feeling), you are not alone here.

Please try not to engage in self-assessment when you're down. The lens is distorted. What I see is not defeat at all but small yet important victories: "I try to fight"; "I try to get up". I feel the same way about my not making progress, but what is more important is trying.

I see generosity in your encounter with your friend: you sought her out and engaged her in conversation and wished her a happy birthday. Though I understand your upset at what you later learned, I don't think anything that is relevant about you turns on whether she included you in her party plans. That's her stuff, you can't control it, and you did your part in taking the time to extend birthday greetings to her. Whether or not she reciprocates your generosity and courtesy says absolutely nothing whatsoever about your value, which is intact. And your take on her remoteness may not have been perfectly accurate both because of your anxiousness to see a positive response from her--and thus being oversensitive to what you might see as any signs of rejection--and your low mood.

Far from being pathetic, you are poetic in your description of despair: "like the waterfall of bad emotions, like cocktail with every bad feeling". Wow. I wish I could be as creative in expressing that dark, heavy corridor of despair that so many of us walk through, while wearing the "lead suit" of depression.

Please be assured that you are a worthy and valuable person, that you're not alone, and you are brave and courageous for continuing to try and to fight. I'm in your corner.
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Old 08-13-14, 01:31 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nsdimitrije View Post
I met her by accident in city, she looked suprised (in bad way), i congratulated her birthday, and we talked a bit, she seemed distant and when we parted, i met another friend who asked me if i am going to her birthday party today!!!! I am worthless , just a piece of trash, that everyone like hurting.
I know how you feel. I, too, have been treated "politely" but not seriously considered for inclusion on any type of fun activity. I fantasized that as soon as I walked away from a group, they said "okay she's finally gone, now let's have some fun!"

But you are NOT worthless. It's hard work to build up social skills, and if you are successful at one simple thing, like chatting on the street, then maybe you can move up to having lunch together. I call this "climbing the ladder": each endeavor builds on the success of the last. It takes time, and like I said, it's hard work.

One option is to organize events and let them come to you for inclusion. Like this board games group I go to -- last time it was I who polled others for a preferred date, announced the meeting, and made the restaurant reservation. They were thanking me for doing so. (Doing such doesn't come naturally for me, but I gritted my teeth and did it anyway.)

Good luck!
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Old 08-13-14, 04:33 AM   #8
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Thank you all for kind words and nice advises, really mean a lot to me, i truly appreciate it. for all.

I just had a really rough night, self-harmed 2 times, then went to some stuff and literally tied myself, till i calm down, i fell a sleep at 5am. Now i woke up, i am physically exhausted and everything, but i am much better now, mentally.

Thank you all for support. ^^
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Old 08-13-14, 10:18 AM   #9
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You could try directly asking the friends you encounter in the city to constructively criticize you or find out what the problem is.
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Old 08-13-14, 01:47 PM   #10
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No one is honest, or objective when someone asks that question, and asking that question would be embarassing and will most likely end up as some mean joke imo.
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