thanks pixy

No. Don't plan anything. I want you to live. You just need the right amount of support and you CAN get through this. Trust me. I'm just a few months older than you. We're roughly the same age. You have so much to live for man. :)
You just gotta be patient.
Soon you can be completely independent. You can get a job and use that money to buy whatever you need to make your life wonderful for you. Trust me. Look to the future and all the lovely things you could accomplish. Don't just throw it all away =/ Stay Strong. I'm always here if you'd like to talk. You can talk me, I know how you feel.

I know, honestly, how that feels. Here's just one thing to consider. People here care about you, I know it's a difficult time, because I'm going thru some of my own things. Have you called a Suicide Hotline and at least talked to somebody? While I realise it's just a suggestion, sometimes, just being able to talk, to a complete stranger and get some support, can make all the difference in the world. Just like being here. I truly wouldn't mind, just talking to you, on here, till you are okay and we can (all) work through things going on within your own life. Please, just reconsider and stay, talk, and allow friends to be here for you.

Thank you both, it brings tears to my eyes to see how nice you two are. I wish I could say I'm looking forward to being independent, but I really don't see how that will change anything. I pretty much have, or I guess had, all the purchasable things I really wanted, and I was still miserable. I can't think of any opportunities to be happy that will open up once I move out. I'll still be in pain and still hate myself. And I know it seems like a self-fufilling prophecy if I have that attitude, but it really makes no difference what my attitude is, because I know from experience that the more I try to be optimistic, the more I realize how pointless my optimism is.

Aires, I've called suicide hotlines, and they usually help, but the last one I called (a few days ago) just made me feel terribly guilty, which is the whole reason I have this new "plan" of suicide to make it look accidental. I didn't call one last night when I tried to kill myself.

dizzyman - Making look accident or not, it's still doing the same thing dear. I can also relate to the optimistic aspect of things. I hope you don't mind me being honest and open here, since really, it's the way I am. You have to keep trying and moving forward with your life. I realise it's not always a 'cake-walk' and things can be not only difficult but extremely trying on an individual; more so these days. Here's my point though. You can do whatever it is that you (truly) set your mind to. You are in control of your own life and destiny. I've been put through the most difficult and trying times; within my own life. I realise, honestly, it's not easy. Things can be so hard and it's not always easy to make it through things, like maybe you orginally thought. The thing is this. You're unique. There's only ONE of you dear. You can rise above, all of this and it's because you're stronger than you think/believe you are. For the Suicide place you called. Personally, my opinion/thoughts only here, you should call back and ask to speak to a Supervisor. Those kind of places are in place to offer support, caring, empathy, or just a kind/caring voice to try and help another. When somebody, even if it's volunteering or not, makes you feel worse, than when you originally called in, somebody needs to be informed of that. They are in place to HELP people and NOT to make them feel worse about themselves. Just reconsider calling them again and speaking to somebody that's in charge.

I know how it feels when you're thinking about doing something like that. The thing is this. There's people here that care, deeply, about you, your life, and everything else going on within it. Don't take your life dear, when you DO have supportive, caring, kind, and wonderful people that would like to see you through this time you're enduring right now. May I inquire, since I haven't read this entire thread, what we can do to help you? You know, honestly, we do care and are here for you.

thank you for being so kind Aires. I want to believe in myself, and I'm really trying not to be so stubborn, but I just can't seem to get past this. Idk if it makes sense for me to dislike myself so much or if it's depression warping my view of myself, but I can't find anything positive about myself. I'm just a disgusting person. I can't remember the last time someone irl said something nice to me, and I can't honestly say I blame them. I'm trying not to put myself down, but the self defeating thoughts just come naturally, they don't need a trigger because there's just so much wrong with me.

I don't mean to sound so stubborn about this. You've really helped a lot. It's just nice to know people care, and you've done much more than I could've asked for. I'm not sure what kind of help I'm actually looking for specifically, but just the knowledge that people are willing to be supportive helps.

I think calling that suicide line back and talking to a supervisor or something like you said is a good idea. It's not good that they have someone who is making suicidal people feel worse.

dizzyman - Making that call and talking to a Supervisor is the first, of many steps, that will lead you out of this depression. No, I realise it's not easy, but you CAN do this! I believe in you and so do others here!Maybe writing things out, might help you sort things out a bit. I tend to do that, when I need to refocus myself and think about what I need to keep moving forward. Maybe it might help you as well. Remember this and it's not always easy to, believe me I know. Always try to keep a positive mental attitude. It's not always an easy thing to do, but writing things down helps. So does always trying to do something that you enjoy doing, each and every day. It helps to drive some, not always, but it can drive some of the depression away. Even for a bit it can make YOU feel better. Isn't that the MOST important thing...YOU!

I think you're a great person. And I don't think anyone here would disagree. Trust me, just wait it out and you'll see the good in yourself too. Whenever you're down just come on these forums. :) You have all the support you'll ever need. I promise you this.

Hang on dizzyman. Don't base your whole life on one person that answers the phone. You will get through this. I am sorry you hurt like this but you have to
find a way through this. Depression is hitting you now in so many ways. We
all want you to make it through this and we support you.

thank you all I felt like shit when I got on, and you all have made me feel a lot better. Just not used to this much kindness. I'm definitely going to call that line back and tell them about that guy. I tried writing thing down in a journal a while (a couple months) ago, but it actually made me feel worse because in reading back over it I couldn't stand how stupid I sounded, no matter how hard I tried not to critisize myself. I'll try it again and see how it goes.