well firstly i must say this forum is quite intense. i've cried reading some things. how can you not get depressed just over reading some of this stuff? it's so sad knowing so many people want to die for at times mundane reasons. i, myself wish to die for pathetic reasons. i am 16. who wouldn't want to keep living at that age considering my life has barely started and i already want to end it. things always change i understand that yet death seems so imminent in my future. why cant i see my own potential? *sigh* i've never been loved. that which has nurtured me has destroyed me. My depressed mother took everything out on me. i had to deal with the repurcusions of her bad decisions. i being one of them.
ugh i know i'm rambling and people will get bored but it's nice to have some sort of relief. there is no room on my arms, legs, stomach to form more stinging, throbbing slits unless i really want to end it all now. yesterday there was something holding me back and now he's gone and comitted suicide and i am once again left alone with myself. should i follow? i think so. what's a life if you must live it alone? devoid of love.
i have such high expectations of myself. i never accomlish my goals. i cant even wake up in the morning. i just wish sleep would consume me, the pain would end and i'd fall into oblivion escaping myself. a permanent sleep awaits this night i think.
the pain of my empty stomach feels almost good. it's like a relief knowing i'm slowly killing myself from lack of nutrition.
i hate myself so much. what can posting on a forum do? these people cant care for a pathetic young girl and her ..issues.
i need to find something to live for again. i need a new ledge to grasp onto as the one i had faltered and i fell, lost sight and the bottom is creeping closer as i drop.

*sigh* no one will post anything. they can smell my worthlessness from there.... i'm going to go make a green tea and burn my numb fingers with hot water. scar my imperfect body and snap the visible bones i've grown to love.
:shock: <<that's an awesome smily. it's ugly like me.

Enjoy your tea? ;) We do respond around here, sometimes it just takes a while. There are certain times we have more members signed online than others. All the same, we're here and we care. Please don't consider hurting yourself! You are valuable to this world, and also now part of our family.

I am sorry for the struggles you are having. I know it is difficult to lose someone. Talk to us, and let us try to help. Don't give up just yet...you never know what God may have in store for you.

You are not worthless, I haven't talked to you before. I am sorry that you have lost a loved on . But the people here do not smell anything bad on you. You are reaching out for help and we will try. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. You are already in enough pain it seems. Talk to us here.

And eat something

am i valuable? i dont think so. my mum said to me, i'm not as important as i think. i dont think i'm important but i understood what she was trying to say.
ugly people like myself should just not exist. ugh i'm so tired of being here, but i'm afraid of death bringing only more suffering and no relief. i feel so stuck. nothing can make me happy anymore and why continue living if there is no joy? wait no i like pancakes... :shock:
i wish i could just cease to exist. death isn't enough. i want to erase myself. i've caused everyone so much pain. suicide is selfish but i dont want to live merely so others will be happy. it's just not fair. i anticipate the time when i can be independant from my family (i could hardly call it a family). *sigh* my friend always says we have to be detached from this world. dont let them hurt you. but it hurts so much. everything. not just my mothers words but my own thoughts torture me. i am so pathetic. the only control i had was shattered when i let that bread into my mouth. without self control or determination i am nothing. my death is imminent.
i'm just going to fail at everything in life. i can see it. i have no motivation to do anything so how am i going to pass!? what went wrong? i was smart and now i'm just nothing. ugh
i am surprised at how much these post things help. but is it enough?

thanks for bothering to reply ^^ you dont have to again. i'm sure there is much more important people who need you.

You know you are letting people around you control how you feel. My daughter wasn't planned but I cherrish her every day. Your mother should do the same with you. If she doesn't then she is wrong. My daughter is only about 4yrs behind you. It was my desision to bring her into this world and no we don't have a lot, but I would never blame her for the way my life turned out and your mom is wrong in doing so for you. You need to know that you are better then your mom is making you out to be. I believe in you and for a total stranger to have confidence in you is something to be thankful for. That means I care. So welcome to your new kinda crazy at times family.

why does life have to be so complicated? more importantly why do i have to be so weak?
i wish i could achieve my goals...ugh i dont even set goals anymore. i know i wont be able to accomplish anything anyway. i'm in a class now and yet i choose to be writing this instead of working. which will in the end cause me to fail. i realise all this and i know it gets me down the more i see myself failing in life...and slowly turning into my mother...i can see habits forming of hers in myself. like my anger and even just being depressed. how pathetic i am. ever since i was little i promised myself i would never turn out like my mum. i would be successful! i would not wind up pregnant and dependant on others with no job or money. and most of all i wouldn't be weak like her...yet nothing has worked out. i bet by next year i'll be pregnant and i'll have failed school. pfft i may as well just start drugs and lose any selfrespect i have left. or i think the best way out would be suicide. to die with some honor at least and i'll have a smile on my face. with my hair knotted with dried blood and vomit and dirt...ugh i just feel like picking up this chair next to me and hitting that skinny bitch next to me! argggh it's not fair. i dont even eat and i cant look like that! damn the unfairness of it all!

where can i go to die?

Hello Mahenk. Well you're certainly creative. You sound very frustrated and obviously totally pissed. I feel you. I do. But you're believing what other people are saying about you and you don't have to. You can choose to believe that you matter, that you're somebody and that you can be somebody people will remember for good things, not suicide. What good does it do you if people remember you for your death, you'd be dead and wouldn't be able to enjoy the notoriety. Better to live, use that creativity to show them what you can do in life!

tiggrr :shock:

Tiggrr.... :-)

Hi Mahenk,
You are a very talented, creative , intelligent young "Lady? " I hope you are enjoying the tea. You wrote a very very sad story , in a most beautiful moving way... and yes, with a bit of dark humor. Which to me says that you have not given up yet... you just want the pain to go away.

We are here for you. Someone may not be online the moment you need them, but, through out the day people come and go... we have a very big family and it is getting bigger every day.

Tell us a bit more about why you want to die. You are soooooooo young.. 16. I was very sad at 156 too but no one noticed or cared. So, I got very bad and did a bunch of things that really messed up my life.

Please, do not do things that are going to effect the rest of your life.

Lets talk...I love green tea... I do not like to be burned.... but the tea will do just fine.

Stay in touch with us... we are here for you. Our family has big loving arms and we have rooom for you and many more.
Blessings
Angel

suicide is passe