The end is ALL I think about
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The end is ALL I think about

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Old 11-22-16, 09:03 PM   #1
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Default The end is ALL I think about

I just joined, thought there might be a 'chat' so ppl would be live. I'm torn, as I feel desperate, and afraid that I might do something, yet afraid TO do something. I think I fear the blackness but I don't truly know.

I'm sure someone will advise me to call a local hotline yet I feel afraid of that as well, ashamed, embarrassed, guilty. I'm so very tired of this life, I don't want to be here anymore yet don't want to face the crap I'd have to do to remedy it, again, afraid. Just can't "win".

I was going to say a sentence or two more but my mind is spinning and I lost the thought;- hate my mind, life, me.

Wow, I remembered.

I have no one, quite literally. I've disconnected from anyone I use to know. I have no friends, and all that is by design. No one can no me, so no one can disapprove. I've learned via therapy that I get my self esteem from everyone else. Its quite magical (sarcasm), since they don't even have to say anything, as I project what I think they think of me to them and then back onto me. Horrible
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Old 11-23-16, 02:23 PM   #2
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Can you start with yourself if you have no one? And by yourself, I mean the self under the thoughts. The thoughts are bad, you are good.
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Old 11-24-16, 01:09 PM   #3
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Don't feel guilty about calling a hotline, they're there to help you
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Old 11-25-16, 08:38 AM   #4
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I feel that there is no self. I try to distract myself, let me rephrase that, I DO distract myself by watching TV, hours on end I can do it, yet as I do, any scenes where someone is supporting another or there is 'belonging' implied/shown I break down in tears.

It is a simple overwhelming feeling of not belonging anywhere, of never having anyone, I can't, I know this, and that is a large part of my 'self'. I've always had a small feeling of not fitting in, yet now, its so very strong, it feels unexplainable actually.

I try to escape as well with alcohol, was never a big drinker, couldn't really do it, yet my intake is now near or exceeding double before. I even feel fine with that as I know its a depressant and I hope it will give me the courage to actually achieve what I'm feeling and end it. I want to but then there's the fear, more crap I can't win with.

Frustrating, overwhelming, catalyst for action, but then not.

thank you for posting btw....it helps a bit to see a response....a little less 'alone' feeling

that sadly is an irony I've learned;- I've always felt that I should be alone, yet seeing TV scenes as mentioned above it's like I crave to have that support etc yet know it will never happen, as it also feels like i'll never take my life, yet the feeling to do so is always there
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Old 11-30-16, 01:01 AM   #5
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I can relate to 90% of what you wrote, I have the same feelings, the same thoughts most of the time.
About the so called "self", search for "Thomas Metzinger" in YouTube. He also has some great publications about thet subject. In short, there is no such thing, but a process (which of course is illusuionary, nobody ever had such "self") and in most people it is a very robust and constant feeling. A feeling that I for example have always had big problems experiencing.
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