I just joined, thought there might be a 'chat' so ppl would be live. I'm torn, as I feel desperate, and afraid that I might do something, yet afraid TO do something. I think I fear the blackness but I don't truly know.
I'm sure someone will advise me to call a local hotline yet I feel afraid of that as well, ashamed, embarrassed, guilty. I'm so very tired of this life, I don't want to be here anymore yet don't want to face the crap I'd have to do to remedy it, again, afraid. Just can't "win".
I was going to say a sentence or two more but my mind is spinning and I lost the thought;- hate my mind, life, me.
Wow, I remembered.
I have no one, quite literally. I've disconnected from anyone I use to know. I have no friends, and all that is by design. No one can no me, so no one can disapprove. I've learned via therapy that I get my self esteem from everyone else. Its quite magical (sarcasm), since they don't even have to say anything, as I project what I think they think of me to them and then back onto me. Horrible