On the edge
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On the edge

This is a discussion on On the edge within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; Hey everyone, Im a 29 years old male. Living alone for 2 years, have a job as an IT technician. ...

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Old 04-08-18, 08:29 PM   #1
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Hey everyone,

Im a 29 years old male. Living alone for 2 years, have a job as an IT technician.

Ive never been quite the achiever in my life. All my life ive been an introvert because i always feared people reaction. Guess i took so many things way too personal that something i ended up crying for little things. Thing is it hard to have people compassion when they got through harder things than you and sometimes i just dont talk about it because i think it not worth it if the other people arent interested because it boring for them. That kind of mentality kept me from achieving so many thing in life, like getting a girlfriend. Yes im a freaking virgin.

Never had one because i fell in love with "the one". I've been way too loyal to her. I've missed so many opportunities with other girls because of that. One day back in 2014 i dreamed about her and the next morning i wanted to die because i knew nothing happened and i just wanted that feeling of being with someone who understood and support me.It also happened at the time that ive learned that i have a disease that slowly kill my optic nerves in both of my eyes. So i texted her Facebook and we went for coffee. Turn out that she was engaged to someone she been with for 7 years. And i was looking for flaws so that i wouldn't think anymore that shes the one, big mistake. Turn out that she was better than i expected. Coffee didn't last long enough so i could told how i feel so i send a huge text to her and i managed to get another coffee with her to following year.

On next year coffee she was married but it was much better this time. We talked for hours and then we went our separate ways.I walked her back to the subway and said farewell. It hurted so bad that i thought about dying again. I went under a bridge thinking about quitting then this man came with a guitar and started playing. That guy probably saved my life that day and i gave 5 bucks so he cold get a beer.Between 2015 and 2018 ive grown up a lot. Im much less shy, i took up challenges and confronted some of my fear. My regret is that i wished i got that strength when i was younger.

Now 2018 and still no girlfriend. My vision is getting worse and i don't want to start a relationship knowing that i might lose sight during that time and hurting my girlfriend because of that. It also led me to a self-destructive path. Now im more distant from my friends and parents. Some of my friends mock me due to the fact that i still don't have a gf. I don't want to tell them the real reason behind because i don't want to deal with all the drama.I don't take care of myself anymore. Im losing teeth to bad hygiene. My place is a mess. I feel very empty.

Today i was supposed to go dinner with my parents, i didn't go. My mom call me and told me she prepared 4 homemade pizza and none of my brothers and sister came. Told me not to come and stay home. Now not only i feel empty but i feel like a real piece of shit. Now i think im worthless and if i keep this on ill keep hurting myself and others around me due to my self-destructive nature. This evening i only thought about quitting. Only 3 things keep me from attempting. 1- Pain 2 - Fear of the unknown and 3- Hurting my friends and family.

Sometimes the pain is unbearable and i don't want to start doing drugs or becoming alchoolic. But now for years i just keep fighting the urge of quitting and it only get harder by the years. I don't have anyone right now and i keep thinking if it the right time to do it. I keep trying to think that living is worth fighting for but now all i see is shit. I go on any news site and all come down to the same "the world is going the drain". I keep thinking of being here for my family and friends but my good will is starting to fade. That girl was someone worth fighting and living for but shes gone and i never encounter anyone that had the same sparkle. Im on the edge right now and i don't know what to do.
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Old 04-10-18, 09:34 AM   #2
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You're an amazing person. Screw what people think. You're still one of the good guys out there, and when you least expect it life will turn around in your favor. Sometimes things are just extremely hard until you reach your paradise. Don't give up, you might be closer than you ever thought you were to finally reaching your happy place.

I know how hard it can be... I attempted suicide myself, and it's never the answer.
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Old 04-10-18, 09:45 AM   #3
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Can you distract yourself?
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High hopes faint on a warm hearth stone; she travels the fastest who travels alone.
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Old 04-10-18, 12:45 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaykae View Post
You're an amazing person. Screw what people think. You're still one of the good guys out there, and when you least expect it life will turn around in your favor. Sometimes things are just extremely hard until you reach your paradise. Don't give up, you might be closer than you ever thought you were to finally reaching your happy place.

I know how hard it can be... I attempted suicide myself, and it's never the answer.
Thanks Vaykae for listening and sharing your thought and experience. It cheer me up.
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Old 04-10-18, 02:04 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by SensualGirl View Post
Can you distract yourself?
Yes i can.I can watch movies and play video games but it not same as before due to my lost of sight. In short one of my symptoms is that i slowly lose peripheral vision, it like almost not feeling the eyeball anymore. That pretty much limit my capability do some sports and fully enjoy the view of a gorgeous landscape. I remember going to a paintball game with my elementary school friends. It started well but then i became so bad due to the inability to properly spot anyone because of all the tree and bushes that i ended up depressed and left early. I had breakdown in my car knowing i will never be able to be as good as before.

Speaking of video games, i had a friend who had this ''man cave'' where we spent nights playing video games each weekend. It was fun for a couple of years but then i began to noticed that most of all that times have been wasted and i didn't progress much in my goals and projects. So i just stopped going and things have been a bit better. I guess it was good having that kind of distraction but it ultimately kept me for trying new things.

Things that worked the most for me is going for a walk and take a ride of bike. It help to clear my head and think about things. But here where i live winter can last for more than 4 months. I rarely go out for a walk in the winter. I also hang with some of my friends and most of the time it help but now they have girlfriend and other responsibility to attend to. I also listen to music that motivate me to keep on persevering. Mostly listen movie and videogames ost.

But when bad things happen i just don't have the will to do any of these. I could just sit down staring at the screen and drowning myself in negative thoughts. A cold beer after finishing a shift help sometimes but again i don't want to depend on alcohol to get through these rough times.
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