me again, sorry.

Really dont know what to do yet again, dont know how much i can take.
Only ran away from my mothers not even a year ago due to the horrible conditions and now yet again i may be made to leave due to poor conditions... of course were i am now is nothing compared to the abuse that i endured at mothers here.. i mean i havent been sexually assualted or physically abused in what... 5 or so months... a record dare i say.. but no matter how hard i seem to try i always stuff.. Cant ever stay in one place for very long at all...

Ill be speaking to a worker on Monday about going to a shared home for youth who have had a rough background, this scares me, i dont know, i should be strtonger by now, i should be happy to be able to get away from it but im scared. Not only that but i have to go into hospital on Thursday to talk to a worker again about going in for 2 weeks for a planned admission..

I just simply cant, i want help, i do, i really really do for the first time in ages. I want to be someone when im older, i want to help others but whats the point, It hurts, it hurts more then i can handle, i cant not attempt, i need to.

I just i want this all gone, i want to be a kid again, i just want a few months to feel what its like to be 'normal' to not be abused or to be scared that ive stuffed everything up, to have my family love me, or that im on the right track but im not.

I really just cant handle this anymore. I want to be dead, no i dont even, i just want it gone and i hav no other options right now. I need to be dead. Thats what i need

I am so sorry :( I know the feeling, honestly I promise you I know it so well. Do you mind me asking how old you are?

It sounds like you have had a really really tough time and you are amazingly strong just to be able to write what you have written. Has there ever been a time when you have been happy and enjoyed life? Think back to it, one day, you will get through this and you will be able to do what you want and to help people, but you have to keep going. You never know what might be round the corner, something might change your life tomorrow. I really hope you find the strength to go on, I am here if you want to talk, always. xx

thanks and sorry you feel this way too.

i just turned 16

not a time i can remember being happy.

thankyou

Hey, I was reading your post, and you sound like you are very strong for enduring everything you have gone through. I have felt similiar feelings of absolute terror, and I wanted to share some things that may help.

There's a book called 'mind over mood' and if you really try hard and follow through it, it really helps.
Another thing I would do would be to just start drawing, or writing, or coloring anything I can think of. Just getting in the habit of occupying your mind on other things, and expressing yourself in any way. I dont know if you have access/have video games, but they can add some color to your life too.

Going for walks, and exploring new areas, expanding yourself by indulging in other activites - it is hard, but if you do it lots, if really can help. Try and grow, by having new experiences, and you can progress through these hard times.

I hope any of that helps

Oh, and one more thing, during the day, if anything at all makes you laugh, or you see a cute gift card, or you have an ok conversation, if theres just ANY tiny thing that momentarily makes you feel at ease somewhat, remember it and hold on to it, because it is proof that the feeling can subside.

Just read your post and I noticed that you saidyou NEeD to attempt. I used to feel sort of a pressure to kill myself, like it was flat out THE only option. But darling, you need to live. You only want to die. Want is powerful, but it's something that can be fought like any other scary thing. With all the scary things you've fought, think of the good you could do in the world. With all your courage and compassion, think of the people you could help.
And think ofyourself. I think you have a beautiful soul, a soul that deserves to live.
I wish all the best for you