Combo, intro, vent
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This is a discussion on Combo, intro, vent within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; So here goes.... I'm lost... My story is long and depressing, I'm considering writing the final chapter... Several years ago ...

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Old 12-12-20, 11:08 PM   #1
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So here goes....

I'm lost... My story is long and depressing, I'm considering writing the final chapter...

Several years ago is when my story starts... I was a truck driver on the road Sunday night to Friday afternoon/night. I received a phone call informing me that my wife at the time had been arrested. She had been accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a child under 12. This really messed me up in a big way..... It took a year for everything to come out fully and she still tried to lie about what happened. Three days after she was sentenced and locked up I lost everything in a house fire. It was a total loss and was deemed unknown cause, suspected arson.

I believe she attempted to have me killed in that fire! The time the fire started I was supposed to be home alone and dead tired due to my job requirements that day. The info I got from the investigation and what I could put together with my own knowledge indicates a few members of her family were involved. I could never prove it though...

After all this I spiraled down hard and fast, I became hostile and angry, I lost trust in everyone. I was able to hold myself together enough to look ok on the surface but things were boiling over. Even then I never felt suicidal, not like I do now.

Fast forward to 2017... I was homeless, living on the streets in an unfamiliar city, brought on by my own stupidity, 500 miles away from anyone who could help me and winter fast approaching. I chose to do what I could to survive the winter and planned on starting to hike back towards my family in the spring of 2018.

Spring came and I was making preparations to make the hike. I was giving away things I couldn't take with me and was two days away from starting my hike. When I woke up in a hospital, busted up really bad and an amputation. I was told that I tried to commit suicide.... I knew this wasn't right, I wasn't suicidal at that time, I had no memory of the incident...

Now recovery was hard! It was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with! Its something I'm still struggling with! I'm in constant pain I can't walk for very long I can't lift anything and I'm taking more pills than I've ever taken in my life trying to control the nerve pain from the amputation. (I hate pills!!!)

So now I sit alone with my thoughts and the constant feelings that I'm a huge burden... I've got nothing to look forward to. I'm as good as I'm going to get in terms of strength and pain. This is honestly the first time in my adult life that I've wanted it all to end by any means.... The feeling has been getting stronger and now its at a breaking point.

I feel robbed! I know I didn't do this to myself! I have tried to get an investigation opened because I feel that my ex-wife was involved but nobody wants to hear it. The feelings that I'm a huge burden are what gets me the most... Sleep doesn't come easy, and the tears flow nightly.

There is only one thing that is holding me back and I'm likely to lose that one thing in the very near future. It would cause her too much pain to see me die before her... I know I really need to find motivation to continue soon or it will be all over...

Sorry for the long story but I felt it was all relevant... I've left a lot out but I could write a novel if I included all the details and it also stirs up memories that make things worse. I've failed in life and if I'm honest I really haven't succeeded in anything I've done...

Maybe someone here has an idea I haven't thought of... Something that can give me an excuse to move forward... Thanks for reading, sorry for being so long winded.
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Old 03-21-21, 03:31 PM   #2
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Whoa. And you haven't received a reply here for 3 months. I am so sorry that that happened after you were courageous and told us your story. I respect you for feeling/remembering through so much pain so that we could understand what place you are in.

I don't know if I can relate in any major way but I know what it is to realize someone you love(d) is a sex offender. It does have a way of putting a deep black lake in your middle that you didn't have there before.

I take it you live in the States? I don't anymore so I'm not sure what your legal options are in terms of getting an investigation opened.

How are you doing today, healthwise and pain-management-wise? If you want to share some more, I'll make a point of checking back more often in the near future. Love, NRS
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Old 05-15-21, 06:59 AM   #3
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I feel 4 u. I don't believe giving up would be the best answer tho as your been such a brave fighter all of these years. You definitely have courage as you did write your story completely. I lost my 20 year old daughter last year; it hasn't been yet a year and the daily pain I endure now is one of the greatest pains ever. It's been 270 days and it's still as fresh in my mind as today. The pain never dissolved and truly is unbearable to live with daily. I wish you power and more energy to push you through for the long haul. You are innocent and deserve the very BEST. You don't deserve to feel like ur a burden. You are not a burden as your just living your life the best possible way forward. Much LOVE 2 U.
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