Hey, I'm brand new here and I'm just looking for some advice. My friends, my (abusive) family, counselors etc have given up hope on me, sad, right? Looking for a private place to post and vent. I'm seventeen years old and a senior in high school.
I have been clinically diagnosed with pretty severe schizophrenia and anxiety, and depression. It is against my moral and religious codes to take non natural medications (please don't fight me on that) and a lot of counselors haven't worked out for be because of that.
I will soon be entering into college, but I have no aspirations or dreams or areas of interest, and I don't have enough money to go to school anyways because I know the massive amounts of debt from loans will continue to make my depressed in the future. I cannot find something to look forward to in the future, like a job I'd care about or something I'd like to learn, or have children or anything like that. I suppose I could say I'd like to travel the world but you need money for that, which I won't have if I spend it on college, which I also wont have if I don't go to college because I won't have a job that pays well enough.
I am never good enough for my verbally and physically abusive dad, whom my mom wont get a divorce from because of death threats. I have strong academic accomplishments that I don't care about and despise being praised for because I only do it so my dad wont hurt me. I do not have a car or a license yet because he is afraid I will run away and not come back or expose him.
I have an extremely hard time creating emotional bonds with people, so much so that the only friend I've ever had was someone I've been desperately in love with (in the brotherly sort of way) and dependent on for the past five years. I know this was a mistake, depending on only one person but he was the only one that seemed to give me a chance and always listen to me. I attempted to kill myself three years ago (because I was convinced I was ruining the lives of the people around me) and he rehabilitated me, and we've talked almost constantly since. Recently, because of said accomplishments up there hes been jealous and depressed and constantly vents to me about how difficult I make everything for him because I'm "better than him". This has been going on for six months where he constantly reminds me how much he can't stand having me around because I make his life hell, but he doesn't want to abandon me because I also listen to his problems. Just this weekend he told me that I have caused him more emotional pain than anyone else in his life and he wants to cut me out of it, just because I've been succeeding while recovering from suicide. This is perfectly okay with me if it makes his life better. I care so little about my life I'm willing to throw away all my accomplishments for them, just to make someone happy, but they would feel too guilty about it.
I've arrived at the conclusion that suicide might be an option for me. It solves the problem of having no aspirations, I won't have debt, I won't have to deal with anything anymore. I've had a good run, I know I'm young but my life has just reached the point where it no longer has meaning or value TO ME that I can see in the future. I know that it makes other people sad, but I'm so sick of living for other people.
Why does their happiness mean more than mine? It makes me upset to live and it makes them upset to die. Who says one is more valuable?
My friend may feel guilty about it, for a short time, but they won't have to deal with me the rest of their life knowing they ruined mine if I give up for them. My family won't have to deal with the fact I'm never stepping foot in this house again, maybe my dad will learn his lesson, and maybe it'll make my mom rethink her life and give her courage to save her own. I'm planning on killing myself so I don't need to cause more pain for my friend. I want this to hurt everyone as little as possible, so is there another solution?
Please help :<