two weeks ago, i tried to kill myself. i know we arent supposed to discuss methods and appologise if posting this breaches that or upsets anyone. i may just do a summery post if it does. but i feel i have to explain everything as it happened for it to make any sense at all.
it was a sunday night, all my relatives were over for dinner at our family home "roughly 40 ppl" i was trying to talk to one of my friends on 'skype" but i couldn hear him, it was too loud. i was in a bad way and i couldnt tell my friend about it, i got even more upset, and i got angry. i wanted to scream at everyone to shut up, but i couldnt, i have too much composure in public for it. i had moved to my room where it was a bit quieter, but i was still upset, and the wireless doesent reach down to my room most days.
i felt alone.
i felt cut off, alone, and in retrospect i was in serius danger, i dont tihnk i realy appreciated how much danger i wass in. at first i cried alone in my room. i thought of how often i was like this, of how many times id been forced to tears and lonelyness in my room. of the soul crushing despair i lived with every day of my life.
an hour had gone by, my tears had dried, a single idea dominated my thought, a dire purpose, i redressd myself and washed up. leaving my room, i whent to the kitchen. everyone more or less ignored me and what i was doing. [edited] i walked back to my room, i barracaded the door,now i still am not sure about why i did what i did next, but im glad i did.
i have a plastic tub for my dirty washing, i dumped my washing out and dragged it next to my bed, [edited], that one act would save my life. a reminder of why i have held on as long as i have, for them, the people i love.
[edited] i sat on my bed [edited]. i almost didnt do it, i wish i had stopped there, but i didnt.
[edited] after 3 minutes of staring [edited], my suicidal frenzy disapated, i began to aask myself why i was trying to kill myself. the arguments and reasoons i had succumbed to earlier seemed so "stupid and weak" i came to my senses, almost too late...
i was horrified at what i had done, what i was doing, and above all i felt ashamed. i am supposed to be stronger than this, i have people who care about me, people who love me, i cant give up, i cant have my life end, not like this, i cant hurt them, make them feel like i do...
[edited] i grabbed my laptop "wireless strength weak" IM'd my older brother who i knew was in the other room, (can u ask mum to come to my room please).
Ill be honest, i was terrified, both at what id done, and the fact that now, at the very least my parents would see it as well. my barricade, proved far too effective, i had to tear it all down from my side of the door before my mum could come into my room. (if i hadnt come to my senses, id be dead) the thought that had seemed so desirable half an hour ago, now revulsed me. (whats wrong) my mum asked, i was too ashmed to look at her, iv never felt i lived up to my parents expectations, and this was proof that i definately did not,[edited] i expected her to shout at me, to cry, to disown me to do aanything but what she did. she did what ill allways love her for, she held me close and hugged me. she accepted what id done, and i was still her child and that i needed help.
my mum [edited] as we both walked out to her car, everything looked the same, but it felt different. it wasnt till the next morning that i understood what was different.
All these years i have been in pain, in the depths of dispair, crying myself to sleep. Running from knightmares and memories. but that night, i had made a choice, i chose to live, despite the pain i knew i would surely suffer from again, i had abandoned my suicide in favor of life.
its been two weeks now, [edited], but atleast i was alive. i know this may sound a little corny, but where else can my life go but up? i mean honestly, i have stood at the precipace of the abyss, flung myself over, and managed to climb back up again. there isnt much more life can do to me, that i havent endured.
I think i might make it...i hope i do...i want to be happy, i want to love, and be loved.i am happy i chose to live.