Borderline destroyed my life
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Borderline destroyed my life

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Old 07-13-18, 01:02 PM   #1
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Default Borderline destroyed my life

Hi, i'm a new member here. Im 27 years old and i've been struggling with depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for more than a decade. Since the very first symptoms appeared, i've tried to kill myself several times. Had lots of familiar problems as a child (including parental negligence and domestic violence), and as a teenager i started drinking and using drugs. Im now partially clean (still drinking heavily) and i tried to get better for thousand times in my life. Im medicated and im doing psychotherapy, but what happens now is that I don't feel like Im a good person. I mean, as a tpb person, I always had extremely difficult relationships, and now that I found somebody who tried to help me I could not help to stop freaking out with every move he makes. I always think he eants to be with another girls, I aleays think Im not enough and we always end by fighting because Im always afraid if being abandoned by him. I destroyed one more nice thing in my life because of the vision that this terrible disorder make me have of myself and the others by my side. Recently he told me he cant stand my actions anymore, and cant stand to be always be threatened as a traitor or liar and that i dont let him do the things he want because of what i invented in my head about him. I tried to be a better person for him but i feel that i will never get better and always be this monster in his life. I cant stand what i became since the depression and borderline appeared in my life. I cant stand the continuous suffering, and more, making people around me to feel bad. I just stay stable for like one week or less and then everything falls apart again. I tried to be strong but its too much pajn, so after a long break since my last attempt, im thinking again about death, so i can both stop being destroing peoples life and end this shitty life I always had.

Sorry about any language mistakes, im not a native english speaker.
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Old 07-13-18, 01:45 PM   #2
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Hi there loserbabe. Welcome to the forum, i hope you will atleast take some time to read through somr of the things here before you make a choice of what you want to do.

It sounds like you had a very tough time growing up. That also seems to have played a part in adult life. It sounds like you are having a difficult time to cope with everything.

I know living with the demons in your head can be tough. I wonder sometimes what is true and what is a lie. I question the existence of life, i question my purpose here on earth. I wonder why people around me have the privilege to die while i have to suffer in this fucked up life where i do not want to be...

I have bever attempted before, nor seen "professional" help. I have not even taken antidepressants in my life. But i have felt the pain, i have wanted the end to come, i wait and wish for my hourglass to run out...

You have things much worst off than i do. So i ask you this, why do you doubt your boyfriend, why do you not trust him to do what he wants to do. You are scared that he wants to be with other girls. Let me tell you this, he accepts you with your situation. (I say that because to my understanding, he knows what is going on in your life)

I know it is hard, i know you see the negative in the situation. But try to see the good, try to see how much he cares and what he does specifically for for you. I am very sure he would not stand by your side if he wanted to be with someone els.

However, he will be pushed away further and further with the threats. You have to try and see that he is there to make a positive contribution to your life. Dont be the monster that scares him away.

Try to do more positive and happy things in your life. Take up a new sport or activity, sometimes that can take you out of the dark area you are in and shed some light onto it. Take your boyfriend on a hiking trio, or go to a aquarium or something. Focus on the good, shut the voices of evil out.

I please talk to people here. Also go read some of the older threads in the different sections. Once you start reading about what other people go through, then you realise that some of the things we are depressed and negative about, really is nothing at the end of the day.

We all deal with things differently, yes, but we all have different things that haunt us...
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