Hi, i'm a new member here. Im 27 years old and i've been struggling with depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for more than a decade. Since the very first symptoms appeared, i've tried to kill myself several times. Had lots of familiar problems as a child (including parental negligence and domestic violence), and as a teenager i started drinking and using drugs. Im now partially clean (still drinking heavily) and i tried to get better for thousand times in my life. Im medicated and im doing psychotherapy, but what happens now is that I don't feel like Im a good person. I mean, as a tpb person, I always had extremely difficult relationships, and now that I found somebody who tried to help me I could not help to stop freaking out with every move he makes. I always think he eants to be with another girls, I aleays think Im not enough and we always end by fighting because Im always afraid if being abandoned by him. I destroyed one more nice thing in my life because of the vision that this terrible disorder make me have of myself and the others by my side. Recently he told me he cant stand my actions anymore, and cant stand to be always be threatened as a traitor or liar and that i dont let him do the things he want because of what i invented in my head about him. I tried to be a better person for him but i feel that i will never get better and always be this monster in his life. I cant stand what i became since the depression and borderline appeared in my life. I cant stand the continuous suffering, and more, making people around me to feel bad. I just stay stable for like one week or less and then everything falls apart again. I tried to be strong but its too much pajn, so after a long break since my last attempt, im thinking again about death, so i can both stop being destroing peoples life and end this shitty life I always had.
Sorry about any language mistakes, im not a native english speaker.