In the paragraph above
" I took my time, she let me go to the counselor. She let me sit there just having a regular old conversation between friends."
She let me sit there just having a regular conversation was my counselor (though my teacher has let me do that) this was just in regards to today.

And my best friend is the secretary at my school, but she's leaving soon. She's a cool person who I really enjoy.

I feel really bad that I feel like such shit and want to die when I am surrounded by great people. I just wish I didn't feel so horrible. Guess it just goes to show you can have everything you can think of wanting, including a dream that's possible and still struggle with these horrible feelings :(.

I guess a lot of people think that when a person kills themselves. It's because they weren't good enough. I don't think that's true for most cases. I think it's the individual usually, and in my case I 'know' I am surrounded by great and wonderful people. It's just...processing...and not being able to handle it all emotionally :(.

Are you being treated for your depression? I mean medically (not that therapy isn't a form of treatment....)

The reason I ask is because you say that your circumstances are all so positive, yet you still feel so bad. I know that can be such a hard predicament to face.

Please take care of yourself. You're a good person. I know you're struggling a lot right now. Keep writing. I hope it is helping you to sort through your thoughts.

Be well,
lz

i love you albino. and i know we are both going through such a hard time. and my medical stuff is keeping us from being together. and your school is treating you like shit. but we will make it together. things will get better. so please just hold as strong as you can. because i love you and you love me and i know we would both be devastated if one of us killed ourselves.

i love you to pieces.

cf

No I'm not being treated medically for medication. This is for several reasons. 1.) I'm very anti-meds for myself personally. 2.) I've had very negative responses physically to many medications for over a length of time of taking them. 3.) My parents used to be anti-meds when I was pro meds. However as time passed my father said that my lack of emotion scared him. Me rarely seeing them and locking myself away and living in some other world for years, and being enveloped in th presence of animals who were genuinely attracted to me because I had many. Decided that he was strating to believe this new school that I was in, that I wasn't 'right', and changed his stand and began to suggest that I needed medication and that perhaps going to a group home would be best for me, etc.

Someone once asked me in response to that how do I handle that anger. How do I deal with it (my counselor). But... I can't remember what I said and I don't really know what I do. My anger translates into violence, revenge, anxiety, depression and energy of the wrong kind.

It is a difficult predicament to face, when I was 16 I left the last remnants of abuse that I was suffocating in, and came to live with my grandmother half a country away from both my parents who are on opposite sides and hate each other very much. I am now living in a really good place, and it took me a while to level out because in the beginning I was very cold and cruel, even though I knew the intentions here were well. But once I got used to everything etc. it was all okay again.

And now that life has finally become 'better'. I can't see why.

Yesterday my Mother IM'ed me, she began saying how cool I probably thought she was and how I thought she was a mean 'mommy' when I was younger. And I said you were mean mom, you're cool now. (But I never really viewed her as cool), beautiful always but I don't view many people as cool and I just looked at her as the average. But I didn't want to hurt her. She then told me something along the lines of I needed it, and that it did good, and now there are good results because I turned out good.

I thought, geesh you guys all think I'm doing so well, you don't realize that every night I am still struggling with suicidal feelings. And that the abuse I suffered damaged me. I was able to make ammends with her and release my anger because she would reflect, cry, and apologize. But now she's trying to justify it, because that pain of living with what she did is too much. So she thinks she see's a good result and blocks all that out.

I didn't feel hurt by what she said. I felt taken aback. She began preaching to me about God, because she's born again. And I know it means a lot to her so I didn't say anything about it to hurt her either. I told her it wasn't really my thing but we have tons of other family who she can connect to on that, and that there are churches. She told me I would come to see it soon because she hadn't and did, and that I was young. And would see 'God' again. She sounded like a stranger to me. So I said nothing. She said goodbye with love, and I sent her goodbye with love.

I was taken aback. And a bit disappointed by what she was saying to me. And before where I was hoping we could become closer. The object of religion and abuse was placed back in the middle. And then I wanted to be away.

My mother always talks about how she would enjoy killing my father or seeing him dead. She also enjoys talking about how much she hates my grandmother. The bitch doesn't know anything about my grandmother. All she knows is that people told my mother that she knew about my father cheating but said nothing. And now she thinks she's the most evillest woman in the fucking world. And hates her guts and talks about not trusting her, not liking her. The fucking woman who helped to take me in and raise me, who cares, and loves, and accepts me and tries to help everyone around her. It pisses me off and I HATE her for that, for that disillusional thinking. But those are her feelings not mine. And I want to tell her if you ever say anything so much as to her my grandmother's feelings it will be on.

As for my father my dad hurt my mom. He loved her a lot, but he did hurt her, and she felt trapped. He lied to her, he passed her stds from sleeping around, he lied about drugs. And he lied about being in rehab when it turns out he went on a road trip that whole time. I ask her how she knows about my dad bringing woman to my grandmother's house, and she goes 'from a very trusted source'. AH! So you don't fucking know. And you have no idea what was going on based on someone elses observations.

My dad isn't a horrible man he works at rebuilding his life, and is doing really well starting to turn it around. But my mom she doesn't see that. She see's an evil man. So she demonizes him and everyone around them, and she looks for those demons in her children. They're all liars AR just like their father it's genetic, but not you, not you. And I want to say you don't know what I am. You don't know who I am.

And that her thoughts hurt because if she were just saying them fine. But she genuninely feels paranoia, and this much cloudy hate. She doesn't see, she's emotionally blind. Trying to get her life together but eh.

Last night I wanted to die again. I've been working on this plan. I realized that a lot of the time I hid from the real world, I existed in another world which was my reality, my home. Entire generations, bloodlines, worlds, evolutions, languages and systems. And when I resurfaced into the real world, when I met real people outside of my world which did have pain and suffering...but I controlled it. I was overwhelmed and fell apart. The world caved in on me, I couldn't handle people's traumas even if I could relate, even if I initmately understood and could empathisize. It burns me on overload and then I can't take it and want to die. But even looking away you know it's still there. You can't even pretend it's not.

I came here to post about my suicidal wants when at the very end I found this:

from my wife, and I didn't post. Instead I talked to her until we both admitted to being extremely tired and went to bed because I was too exhausted. But I've been posting here a lot instead of talking about these to her because I know it overwhelms my wife when I admit to it too much. And...

Right now I am in a state of stillness. I don't want to live. I'm not really thinking about death. For a moment I am a phanthom.

I have a Math exam today. I have more walls to stare at today. Whether I have to go through more hell all falls on this damn exam, and my principal says NBD No Big Deal. But I'm not sure if I believe it all the time yet.

Thanks LZ, I love you Cavefish. I've gotta make an entrance to prison again today. To serve my time in one institution...and have to move on in another.

Someone asked me (my wife) why are you still here after all this time despite these hard feelings of wanting to die all the time? I was talking about it again today. I decided it was wrong of me to discuss so deeply something that scares the shit out of and depresses her. I began to realize that it's wrong of me to talk about these feelings with the people I love because these feelings and these actions I want to perform concern them around me.

So I decided to talk about it here. I don't know if anyone will answer. I would like that, because I'd love to communicate with someone on it. But if you happen to pass by and can't find the words don't worry.

My first answer was fear of abandoning others and the fear of the unknown. Then I realized it was because of my concept of pure and unpure, and my desire for her to be happy and knowing at the moment I am a core part of that. And how my mission has been to help in building this wonderful life for us for her. And help her so that she doesn't need me to exist, and then to go away in the ashes to ashes dust to dust sorta way.

I won't get into my plans on that. My next concern would be my grandparents. I'm not sure about my brother because I don't know how he feels about it.

I don't know. People tell me they want me here living. And that if I die they have no more laughter with me etc. So then this waiting for people to have a stable life becomes what feels like an eternity. And then I sort of live in a servitude I forced onto myself just because I have no other reason to live except for others/the people I love around me...and that has always been and will never change.

So I guess the question is...what's next?

I have a friend, you've probably heard me mention him if you've been around here long enough, his name is Eugene.

For a long time, he was helping me with my troubles, every time I asked him if I could talk about what was on my mind he said "absolutely". No matter what it was, he would always listen.

Then, my troubles started getting very deep..... and I think he felt obligated to continue saying "yes" whenever I asked him to listen. Even tho' it was getting really hard for him to cope with my troubles on top of his own (he has bipolar disorder). He gave no indications at all that I was burdening him. I can be a little dense, too. But he was, in fact, very troubled by my problems.

The point is.... as much as I have faith that he cares about me, I also had to learn the same thing you just described. Namely, that is, that it was hurting our relationship for me to keep confiding my very deep and troubled thoughts in him.

I think, even tho' I really wanted to talk to him about my problems, those problems are better spoken to my therapist. Because therapy is such an engineered environment that it's safe for us to delve into those scary places that maybe our loved ones would like to go with us, but can't.

I would have respected my friend Eugene if he had told me "no, I really can't handle talking about those things"...... but I guess he felt it would be heartless or cold to do so. So it was up to me to have some restraint.

It's pretty hard sometimes...... because I think we care about each other. As I am sure you and your wife do. But like you said, we don't want to harm the ones we love with our own troubles, but at the same time... we really need an outlet. It's gotta come out someplace.

When I talk about my deeper struggles in therapy, it becomes easier to enjoy my dear friend Eugene with a little more levity... which is something I long for. I assume that is something we all long for, the simple lightness of enjoying a loved one. Maybe if you had a therapist (do you have one?) to confide in, these things would not weigh so heavily on your mind when you spend time with your family and others you care about.

I know you're struggling a lot with this. Anyone can see that. Your thinking is on a very sophisticated and complex level, I wouldn't be hurt if people are a little intimidated by it. It is just who you are, you shouldn't hide it, or try to change it. And don't be discouraged. I hope you keep at it. I will keep reading, I promise.

lz

I'm sorry, albinorat, somehow i lost this thread. i'm going to respond again after i've read thru it, but hubby needs the computer now :(
I'll try to respond soon
((((hug))))

just read thru it, & can't think of what more to add, i think LZ makes some very good points
i wish u the best, albino. reading about suicidal feelings is hard for me, i feel bad but never know what to say, don't feel i can ever say or do things right or do enough. i hope things work out well for u, try to hang in there. .

Thank you LZ I wanted to write a longer post when I first saw it because it meant a lot but I was just so tired. Later I began to think so many friends of loved ones who commit suicide mention that they didn't know. That the person they loved didn't talk that much about it or only showed a lack of interest etc. Then I saw the cycle.

Thank you bluegirl it's okay I dont normally know what to say either. Don't worry I understand.

I haven't really talked about my feelings about it with my wife since that self realization. I haven't really talked about it at all really. Just absorbed myself in a game and disappeared for a while.

Talked about denmark and danish with my new friend in the game.

Then my sister called crying. She said my mother had a bit to drink and had just choked her and threatened to kill her over some nonsense. She was hyperventilating at the time. I started to write here about it without reading the posts but then I just called my wife my voice was shaking at the time. My sister called back after my stepfather apologized to her for even bothering to mention the asparagus she threw away. I was real angry at my mom but at the same time empathetic. I talked a lot to my sister about healing, emotions, and I explained that she's gonna be an adult in a few years legally but in my belief no one, not mom, not her, not anyone. No one is an adult until they learn how to process and deal with life. (and yes that means there are alot of big children running around). I purely believe that until we can learn how to deal with our anger, or past, our grief our feelings, our emotions learn how to process and deal with them then we aren't adults.

She was listening to me. We talked a long time just about shit. I told her everyday say 1 thing she'll do to make herself a better person, and that there's always room for imporvement. And I told her that I see that she's in a lot of pain, and etc. we just talked about stuff. We also admitted that there is stuff we can't tell each other. And that we don't know about each other, but we focused on her finding an outlet. Since she doesn't like talking to people about how she feels and she doesn't want to talk to mom.

She said it hurts her the most that it's her mom that's saying those things. Anyway we talked about a lot of things and by the end she was laughing a bit could breathe through her nose again (it was stuffy), and said she had to go to the bathroom but didn't want to go (I was on the phone) and I told her to go call me back later.

I told her call me whenever you need me, she said. I always need you.

Then she said bye love and I was like 'blink'

"I always need you."

I thought about that phrase as I hung up. Me and her aren't the best of friends, we don't really get along, don't have a great history together. Yet whenever shit goes down she calls me and I talk to her. So much keeps us apart, and yet...the fact that she can call me during a time of need means that through living in the same household for somewhat no matter how temporary bonds us somehow. She's not the same person either when she's with her friends like she says my mom is. But I let her know that I saw she was in a lot of pain, and that she was hurting and angry, and healing. I told her I saw it.

It made me think about when I want to die I never think about my brother or sister, my mom or dad. Because I grew up elsewhere. I live elsehwere. And they exist far away us never talking for as much as years. So it doesn't occur to me that they still think of me and consider me an important part of their life even though i'm not there anymore. Even though I don't feel like I'm apart of their life anymore, from how they talk to me when they do it makes me feel like I'm very much still apart of it.

After that phrase I said well to call me whenever she needs it whenever cause I'm always here.

I've been thinking ever since just deeply about a lot more things than I have been...I guess that means a lot.

AR - I know you may be anti-meds but I took a non-addictive, low side-effect mood stablizer Seroquel and it REALLY helped me with the not handling of anything in life...basically i crash emotionally if one thing goes wrong, just any tiny thing...in my mind it expands to dramatic overtures within seconds and i get suicidal...the mood stabilizer basically stopped the overtures. I was able ot look at situation for what they were, and I remained totally clear headed - I tried ADs in the past and those affected my mind I could feel the difference somehow...but this didn't, it only made me dopey and drowsey so my doc had me take it early the evening before so i sleep it off and i would wake up fresh and ready for anything. I got used to the drowsy and it slowly was something i could stay awake through...

plus now i'm not taking it, and though the overtures do happen i am able to just rationalize to myself...i think that had to do with the meds giving me prespective for a few months prior. So it maybe if you don't like them you can quit too, but try it at least? I dunno...anyway, just a thought.

I don't know if you are open to trying certain meds...perhaps you can speak to a doc about getting you something similar if you have problems sustaining your moods that is generally what they'd recommend.

good luck.