Hello, I Google searched apathy and suicide and it brought me to this site. So here I am. Thinking about killing myself, thinking it is my apathy, that I wear like a force field around me, leading me to this destination. As I age, I'm 55 now, the less I care about, the less enjoyment I have. I've know for years now how sad my life is, caring about nothing, except 2 stupid dogs. So I started going to counseling, to relive my painful childhood. Oh what fun! Then 8 months ago I thought the BDSM lifestyle would make things interesting. Random sex, men hurting me calling me a slut whore... shouldn't that make me feel something? Or maybe it's the danger of it all that I was drawn to. I think I'm bored with that. Of course I never told my shrink about the stuff as I didn't want anyone to stop me. I'm exhausted, this life is exhausting searching for nothing, going nowhere. I have been collecting what I need. Daily I look at my 'bootie' wondering when is the day, when is the last day?