Another week. More time wasting and twiddling my thumbs. Forcing myself out of bed each morning. Forcing myself to eat, forcing myself to talk to people. All I want to do is crawl into bed under the sheets and never come out.

I keep thinking about it. Constantly. I wont do it I know I can stop myself. But Im so ashamed of who i am. I push people away. I have very few friends on this site, most people are just kind to me for the sake of it. But thats my fault, no one elses.

I just cant stop thinking about it. I know how, I just dont know when or where. But I wont get to that stage. I promise I will check into the ED.

I just dont want to be here anymore. I dont know how to escape where I am, or what I can do to help myself. I hate who I have become and I hate my life. Im not ready to give up yet but I wish I could stop thinking about it.

((((Sataria)))) not wanting to occupy a space is a terrible pain to bear. If you know it now, get help. The only reason I say that is because, you might not get help as your pain intensifies and somebody might not be around to help you when you really need it.

(((((((((((((((( sataria ))))))))))))))

i know what you mean about pushing ppl away, i have a tendencie to do that myself. but ive learned through therapy to not do that so much and you can too.
im glad you made that promise to get help before letting things get too bad. im sorry you think you have not many friends here, that can be easily changed friend.

Thanks guys. Im sorry- I know I do have friends here. ((((((((surf))))))))) thanks mate.

Im just so tired. and these thoughts of ending it constantly resurface. I dont want to think about all the ways I can do it. I dont want to think about who I want/dont want to find me. I dont want to think about this awful stuff.

It used to be suicide as an escape, the 'wouldnt it be nice not to have to deal with all this anymore' feeling. I think I am a step beyond that now, but Im still relatively sure I can control it. I dont think I can actually do it, its mroe the fact I cant stop thinking about it.

Its gotten to the stage where getting out of bed and getting through each day seems like an impossible task. And each day seems harder than the previous. Im just so tired of this fight. This constant fight which has yielded very little in the way of relief or success. I dont know what I can do to help myself, and in the meantime I hate where I am. I just feel empty and lost.

I just want to know that you're managing it rather than letting it go to the next level.

(((hugs)))

hi SATARIA - IM THINKING OF YOU RIGHT NOW AND KNOW YOU WILL GET THRU THIS - ((((((((((((((((((SATARIA))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))

Oh, Sat!

You poor thing!

I feel so bad for you that it's got this bad. I know right where you are. Try to remember that it is just this bad right now. It'll change.

Call in sick, lay in bed, and pull the covers up for a few days if you need to; eventually you'll need to pee so you'll have to get up. You'll run out of food so you'll have to go out. Then you'll notice you stink, so take a shower. Then you'll notice the bed stinks, so do the laundry. These are good signs... encourage them. I always know when I'm starting to come out of one because staying in bed with a backache from 3 days there and smelling my stink starts to sound worse than getting up and doing something about it.

Hang in there girl. (hugs).

endless whinging ,your post made me chuckle

((sataria)) no one here is just being nice to you ..we are all your real friends..hope you feel better ..

:-)

Thanks everyone. Not at the smelling my own stink stage yet, EW, or peeing in my own bed, but I'll keep you all posted. For the sake of everyone's morbid curiousity...lol. Thanks EW, that post made me laugh as well. Its a good sign when I can reply to people's posts and even smile at them. Maybe thats a better gauge of my depression than my stench...

Thanks brandy, and ashes, for your support. Im feeling a little bit better today and I really appreciate your kindness. More than I can put into words.

(((((((((TTL family)))))))))

Glad your feeling a little better Sataria