Am I Hopeless?
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Am I Hopeless?

This is a discussion on Am I Hopeless? within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I just want to disappear forever. Im depressed, lonely, and a horriable person. Im a burden to those around me. ...

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Old 03-26-14, 10:27 PM   #1
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Unhappy Am I Hopeless?

I just want to disappear forever. Im depressed, lonely, and a horriable person. Im a burden to those around me. The third wheel. The un-welcomed guest. Tolerated, ignored, and alone. I hate myself; my personality, my body, and my actions. Those around me would be better off if I wernt around. I feel disconnected, empty, and emotionless (with the exception of the only emotion I know, sadness). I dont even know who I am anymore or what makes me happy, if anything can.

I wear a mask infront of those around me. I smile and act friendly but as soon as Im alone these feelings come out. I dont deserve to live but Im a coward. I punish myself daily for this covering my already disgusting self in scars. I like the way it feels and looks. The pain makes me realize I can feel something other then sadness. Seeing the cuts makes me feel proud of what Ive done. I deserved this. I had the courage to do it. Ive felt like this for years.

Ive tried to kill myself twice. Ive even failed at that, like everything else. I will never amount to anything. Life will never get better and Ill always be a burden. Nothing ever feels real. I always feel like 'oh well I can always just kill myself if things get too bad'.

Ive always had this thought pop into my head whenever I was depressed that life would have been so much better had I been born female. I would have been happier with life, I could have loved myself. This is not normal, something is wrong with me and this thought becomes more frequent. I have no idea why but it wont go away. Maybe its self pity? Maybe its a way to escape reality? Maybe its something more? Maybe, but it doesnt matter. I am what I am, my life is what it is and always will be. I wish I could just fade away into nothingness. Fall asleep and never wake. Never have been born.

Here I sit, wallowing in self pity, listening to depressing music, venting online anonymously, and crying. Like the pathetic, horriable person I am, wondering if theres any reason to bother trying. To continue this charade we call life.

Am I hopeless?
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Old 03-26-14, 10:54 PM   #2
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No your not hopeless and your not alone. Many of us here have felt/are feeling what you feel: sorrow, emptiness, pain, self hatred, etc. I'm one of them.

Its easy to slip into that state of mind, to self harm (I'm a self harmer, though I've been able to avoid for some time but every now and then it taunts me) and to think we are worthless. I've walked that path and can understand how hard it can be. But I can also tell you that its not the only path that you can walk. There are ways for you to get better. There is more to life than despair.
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