I just want to disappear forever. Im depressed, lonely, and a horriable person. Im a burden to those around me. The third wheel. The un-welcomed guest. Tolerated, ignored, and alone. I hate myself; my personality, my body, and my actions. Those around me would be better off if I wernt around. I feel disconnected, empty, and emotionless (with the exception of the only emotion I know, sadness). I dont even know who I am anymore or what makes me happy, if anything can.
I wear a mask infront of those around me. I smile and act friendly but as soon as Im alone these feelings come out. I dont deserve to live but Im a coward. I punish myself daily for this covering my already disgusting self in scars. I like the way it feels and looks. The pain makes me realize I can feel something other then sadness. Seeing the cuts makes me feel proud of what Ive done. I deserved this. I had the courage to do it. Ive felt like this for years.
Ive tried to kill myself twice. Ive even failed at that, like everything else. I will never amount to anything. Life will never get better and Ill always be a burden. Nothing ever feels real. I always feel like 'oh well I can always just kill myself if things get too bad'.
Ive always had this thought pop into my head whenever I was depressed that life would have been so much better had I been born female. I would have been happier with life, I could have loved myself. This is not normal, something is wrong with me and this thought becomes more frequent. I have no idea why but it wont go away. Maybe its self pity? Maybe its a way to escape reality? Maybe its something more? Maybe, but it doesnt matter. I am what I am, my life is what it is and always will be. I wish I could just fade away into nothingness. Fall asleep and never wake. Never have been born.
Here I sit, wallowing in self pity, listening to depressing music, venting online anonymously, and crying. Like the pathetic, horriable person I am, wondering if theres any reason to bother trying. To continue this charade we call life.
Am I hopeless?