Everything seemed ok, more or less.
But then all of a sudden I feel super blue, to the point where I have suicidal thoughts again.
I don't know if it's PMS or just a set of things, that triggered me, but it sure is not a good place to be.
May be it's when things don't turn out as you hope for, and when the hope is gone, there is nothing to live for.
I've had some triggers lately too. My mom doesn't wish me well, I already concluded that. I can't really hope for her advice or support, because she always wants to sabotage anything good in my life.
I made a mistake with my finances again.
My boss doesn't call me in to work anymore. It feels like a rejection. The girl from work stole from me.
My dad called me only to say that he was upset, that I didn't call him for 2 months (I don't think it was that long, plus I worked and had a car accident). After he expressed his negativity, he almost hung up on me. And this man here abandoned me for 20 years.
I met a new guy online. After a week of pursuing me to say yes to a date, he said something like "ok, I guess we could have a date" as if he was doing me a favor. Then he started question my pictures as if they were not up to date or something. That made me very conscious of my age. WTF!! He is 5 years older and my last boyfriend is 4 years younger than me and never had a problem with my age.
When I went shopping to find an outfit for a date (all my clothes is old, I haven't been out for a while), I realized I gained a few pounds. That sent me over the cliff...
I cancelled the date and feel very blue.
The other guy that I was seeing, got a new "roommate" - a girl from my work. When I asked her if she sleeps with him, she looked down and said "of course not". She doesn't know about me and him, but that made me extremely sad and jealous, that he had actually moved on and has someone new.
I even texted him, asked what's up, what's new. He said "nothing" and wanted to see me, yet didn't invite me over as usual. And didn't mention the new roommate. Also didn't mention his recent trip with another girl. He made it sound like he was waiting for me to come back around and was just working. It reminded me, why I left him in the first place. Yet I feel sad, that we can't be together.