i'm facing it, i really do have a biochem imbalance. but it's rough coming to terms with it. my drs have been telling me for a long time that it's very likely i'll have to take meds for the rest of my life just to survive, i.e. not kill myself, and also to live a "normal" i.e. functional life. i think i'm starting to really get it, it's hitting home. but of course this could just be a brief moment of clarity in the revolving storm that seems to be my life. like being in a washing machine, the cycles keep coming and going over and over and i feel like i'm getting worn out. the drs have told me all sorts of things about what they think is wrong with me. most of them want me to take antipsychotics. that's what everybody seems to agree on. but i hate antipsychotics, and i can't stand mood stabilizers, and so i end up just taking my antidepressants to keep myself alive, b/c otherwise i plan and attempt suicide.
i've learned not to talk about my stuff too much in my everyday life, b/c i have seen how ppl react and it's obvious that they think it's crazy. it's hard, being judged that way. i keep it under control most of the time. sometimes it gets out and ppl see what's really going on. if i let it go it becomes an ecstatic communion with god, and ppl just don't want to have anything to do with that sort of thing these days.
i know something isn't right with my brain, but wish i could let myself be free without having others treat me like i'm sick. i know i'm sick. and i feel sad about it. but i'm not crazy, and i don't like it when ppl treat me like i am.